Spatial Orientation

I'm finally getting used to having no sense of direction (spatial orientation).  Recently, I had to go to two different new places so I printed out directions on Map Quest as well as used my GPS.  Actually, I thought I could do it without the GPS so I only printed out the directions.  My double vision makes reading street signs difficult and by the time I could read the sign, it was too late to turn!  So I pulled over and put the address in my GPS.

Everything was going fine until the voice said "arriving at destination" and I didn't see the Grand Bohemian Hotel.  I pulled into a parking lot and asked directions.  It turns out, it was right across the street from me and I didn't recognize it. I pulled into the valet parking for which I didn't want to pay but I figured if I tried to find a place to park on the street, I would never find the hotel again. 

The other directions were to a friend's house.  He was moving and I wanted to see his new apartment.  I thought I wouldn't need the GPS and could find it only with my map quest directions.  When that didn't work, I pulled over and put in his address.  It took me to some house that I knew wasn't right so I got out of my car and called folks I knew who would be there.  No one answered. 

However, when I looked up, I saw another friend who had just left the new apartment.  He said I was almost there and pointed me in the right direction. When he pulled away, another man I knew came. This person is aware of my directional issues so he had me follow him there. So today when I went to visit another man I know who is in a heath care facility in Hendersonville (about 30 minutes from me in Asheville) I printed out the directions and used the GPS.  I had been there before but I really didn't want to get lost again so I decided to take no risks.

I really don't like driving places and will do everything I can to avoid it.  Attending to other cars, following the traffic directions and dealing with the weather (in this case, darkness due to impending rain) takes up a whole lot of my cognitive energy (cognitive overload).  I never listen to music when I'm driving because I need to focus only on the road and not be distracted.  However, this time I put in a CD of Bach's Brandenburg Concertos. 

I had been to the nursing home before and it was nice to cruise down the highway as I listened to the music.Of course, I made sure I knew how to turn the volume down in case I needed to concentrate on my driving. 

Stereo systems in cars now are so complicated.  I need a button with the word "off" on it so I know how to turn it off. Instead the buttons don't have words on them and you're supposed to know what they do by reading the directions once.  Well, my brain doesn't work that way and I really don't like to take the time to read the directions every time I want to use something in the car! One trick I use is to write the directions on a 3 X 5 card and keep that in the arm rest.  This is so much easier than trying to find something in the manual!

"Seeking Imagination"

This past Sunday at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, Kristy Farber preached a sermon that really affected me.  Her title was Seeking Imagination and I remembered thinking to myself that morning, "What does Mark 8:27-38 have to do with imagination?"

On top of that, the following quote by Anne Lamott was printed in the bulletin by the picture above. "Can you imagine the hopelessness of trying to live a spiritual life when you're secretly looking up at the skies not for illumination or direction, but to gauge, miserably, the odds of rain?" This quotation really appealed to me since figuratively speaking, I'm always gauging the odds of rain in my life.

I've never been a lectionary preacher but I'm beginning to see how using a lectionary can be good for the life of the church.  I think sometimes there's a danger in making the text fit what the preacher wants to say to the congregation and I was a bit fearful that Kristy was going to this this.  However, the Spirit moved through her and spoke to my needs and I suspect to others as well.

In it she said, "If we are going to deny ourselves and try to be more like Jesus, we may need to exercise our imaginations.  To do so may be a part of denying ourselves. Attempting to see, not just what we have always seen, not just what we have been taught to see, but the things God may have for us."

My TBI really messed up my dreams.  I wanted to be a pastor who preached more regularly than what I had been doing at the church I served.  I wanted to be involved in urban ministry and do more pastoral care.  The plan was I would be the breadwinner and my husband Michael would get a PhD in Anthropology or Psychology.  Our accident certainly ended that dream - not right away though.  Awareness is a huge issue when someone has a brain injury.  People just aren't aware of how the brain injury has affected them.

For some folks, knowledge of one's abilities can take a long time as it has in my case. For those of us who don't have a lot of noticeable difficulties, it can be even harder.  I am able to do quite a bit now. However, when I push myself to do too much I'm usually no good for a day or so.I have to deal with the effects of cognitive overload, over stimulation, mental fatigue and others things.  As a result, I make choices.  Is what I want to do worth being out-of-commission for a few days or not? .  Many brain injury survivors do not have this choice which for me is a blessing and a curse.

I often must read again the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley. She tells the experience of raising a child with a disability.  For the whole poem go here. http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html  In it she writes, 'The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting place full of pestilence, famine and disease....  It's just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts." 

The pain of having a TBI is never going to go away but I don't believe God allowed this to happen to me for a reason. Instead, God uses the things that happen to us so we may have new life.  God is as sad about this justy as I am but as Kristy said in her sermon, "As we seek to follow Christ, to deny ourselves, let us pray for the vision and insight to see this world through the eyes of Jesus, the one who brings life out of death and hope in unexpected places."

I ask for God to help me imagine something different than my shattered dreams.  It will take a while.  It has already taken a while.  As Kingsley said, "But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland." 

And there ARE some lovely things here!

God's Wisdom

I read a quote from Susan B. Anthony today. "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."  I really hope that I am following what God wants me to do and not only what I want.

It bothers me that I can no longer work as a minister but I still try to serve God as I can.  I used to be able to keep so much information in my head!  I was always running from one meeting to another and trying to be involved in many things.  Neurons in my brain were destroyed when I had my car accident and the neurons I have left, must work harder so being busy like that is no longer possible.

In fact things that most folks don't even think about are difficult for me. Luncheons, meetings and driving somewhere new involves quite a bit of my brain function.  I have to attend to conversations while filtering out background noise and lights which really is more complicated than I realized. For this reason, I don't do meetings or luncheons unless I believe they are absolutely necessary.    

Now it is a major thing when I go somewhere new.  This past week, there was a luncheon at a country club I really wanted to attend.  My husband Michael is really good with directions and I often rely on him for these. I know it drives him crazy when I ask him for directions all the time so I've tried to depend on my GPS or even ask other people. I also  keep a folder with all my directions in it so I check this as well. 

However sometimes my own worries get in the way of my good sense. That's what happened this week.  To make it worse, Michael had a stressful week so he didn't have much patience.  I was frantically trying to find a map (It doesn't take much for me to get frantic anymore!) and so I asked him.  He became angry at me and then I lost it.  I slammed our front door as I went outside to his car to find it. I slammed the car door after I located it and for good measure, I slammed the door coming in. I can laugh at it now but it really was childish.  I have discovered that I seem to do more childish things now than before sustaining my brain injury.

While overwhelming, I really feel the things I did this week were what God wanted me to do. I know it pushed my limits and I plan to take it easy for a few days.  I pray that God will give me the wisdom to know if my thoughts are true or if I'm really fulfilling my own desires.