GPS

There was an article in the Feb. 5 issue of the New York Times about using GPS devices.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/opinion/sunday/is-gps-all-in-our-head.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Is%20GPS%20All%20in%20Our%20Heads?%20Julia%20Frankenstein&st=cse  Julia Frankenstein  is a psychologist and begins the article by suggesting that folks probably ask themselves,  "What did we ever do before GPS?"   She suggests we stop using them for when  we do, we don't work our brains.  She writes, "The psychologist Eleanor A. Maguire and her colleagues at University College London found that spatial experience actually changes brain structures.  As taxi drivers learned the spatial layout of London,... the areas of the brain integrating spatial memories - increased."

 On many of my driving excursions, I use a GPS.  Since I have no spatial orientation at all, this helps me.  However, the way I learn new information is through "errorless learning." ( Jan. 18, 2011) Prior to owning a GPS, I always wrote down directions and used them every time. I used them less and less until I felt confident.  Then I stopped using them completely. .  Every time I drive from the the doggie daycare to the Y, I use my GPS but yesterday I decided not to use it.  I got there just fine but I did have to pay attention to my surroundings instead of listening to a voice telling me where to turn. I was working the neurons in my brain which is what must be done to strengthen them.

This commentary reminded me to, as my husband says ,"be mindful of the tension between using compensatory strategies versus exercising our brains to learn new info."  This is a tough balance for me especially with spatial orientation issues.  Prior to my TBI, my sense-of-direction was poor and  I was always lost.  However, the feeling is different now.  I become upset and enter into a trance-like state.  I've  learned to take a few deep breaths and stop to get myself together but it is a horrible feeling.  I almost always have written directions when I use the GPS.  However , this article reminded me that I need to push myself away from using the GPS.  

Gabby Giffords

Gabby Giffords squelched all talk about whether she would run again for another term in Congress by resigning this week. I must say, I am not at all surprised. A part of me was fearful that she would run again for lack of awareness is very common for TBI survivors. I thought I could go back to full time ministry and figured I would be able to do this after resigning as an associate pastor. I volunteered as a chaplain at a retirement center thinking eventually I would go back to full time ministry. After doing this for several years, it became clear to me this wasn't going to happen.

She has received much attention in the press. I can't imagine having to deal with the challenges of TBI while being so much in the public eye. I would love to see her recover to the point where she could work as a congressperson again but I really doubt that will happen. I remember my TBI therapists tried to steer me away from ministry but I wouldn't listen. I was convinced I would be back.

I think I am ultra sensitive to any talk about working as I did before. I want Gabby to go back to Congress while at the same time, I would be jealous if she did. Thoughts would probably flood my mind. "Why did God let her go back to what she loved, but didn't allow me to return as a minister? What is wrong with me? Did I not try hard enough?" Today I just have to tell myself to stop thinking this way. It serves no purpose and I only feel worse when I do.

I looked at that "Welcome to Holland" piece again. (Feb. 9, 2011) It helps me see the things I have gained among the losses and how the pain of this is never going to go away. I'm also reminded that in many ways, I've become stronger. Gabby and other brain injury survivors in the public eye are helping folks become more aware of this injury and that's a good thing. Every brain injury is different and just because someone else can return to what they did before, doesn't mean everyone can. (And if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't know a single survivor with an injury as severe as mine, who has been able to return to the job they had before.)

Today a friend gave me a wonderful gift. She made some moon earrings for me to wear. Moons are a powerful symbol for me and I will wear them as a reminder of the moon which shines brightly in the dark sky despite everything.

What are your thoughts about Gabby Giffords? If you are a survivor, what has changed for you and what has if anything, remained the same or gotten better? See top right for commenting instructions.

Errorless Learning

First Presbyterian Church in Asheville opens there fellowship hall on Saturday afternoons for what they call "Saturday Sanctuary." During the winter months no homelessness services are provided so this program offers a place to come out of the cold. The program began in a small building behind the main chruch but it grew making that room too small so now they open their fellowship hall. This space is much larger which makes it easier for me. Clean-up of the smaller space took much less time but in spite of the added time for clean-up, I think it is much more hospitable.

However, it is not a good environment for someone with a brain injury. It was especially difficult for me in the smaller room since all the noise provided several challenges for me: dividing attention, cognitive overload, over stimulation: to name a few. However I have a real interest in issues around homelessness so I decided since the shifts were only two hours, I would try it.

There have been times when it is boring. I try to talk with folks but often no one wanted to converse so I just stood around until it was time for clean-up. This past Saturday, I made a point to try and play a game with some folks. I wanted to play Jenga but I couldn't find anyone who wanted to play. Instead, folks wanted to play dominoes which I have never played so I thought I'd learn.

I forgot about all the challenges of trying to learn in this environment. Our table was close to the television where people watched a movie. Since I'm not able to divide my attention, trying to block it out was impossible. I thought about asking if the other folks wanted to move away from the sound but I wasn't sure I could get the hang of dominoes and didn't want them to go to all that trouble.

I learned that dominoes involves adding. I did not excel at math prior to my brain injury but now trying to add anything is just plain embarrassing. I have to use an Android application to help me figure out a tip for restaurant meals and my restaurant tabs are usually pretty low. I use compensatory strategies such as a calculator or my Android app but I thought it would look pretty silly for me to pull out a calculator to play dominoes!

I think dominoes is a fairly simple game and if I was in a quiet place with lots of explanation, I'm sure I could learn . Learning new information is very difficult for someone with a brain injury. The best way to learn new information is called "errorless learning." For example, if I'm trying to learn how to do something on this blog, I'll write down the directions and then follow them over and over again. After several times, I might try to do part of it without the directions.

"Trial and error" learning does not work for brain injury survivors. Errors confuse the learning process and only frustrates the person. "Errorless learning" may seem odd but it really does work. I will quit trying after only a few times which is why "trial and error" does not work. . In fact, I posted the rainbow at the top of the page without using my directions at all. I'm working at trying to find the directions for posting pictures somewhere else in the blog but for now they will all be at the top.

If you have a brain injury, do you use "errorless learning" to learn new information? See top right for commenting instructions. I tried to see if I could post a comment and I was able to do so. My problem now is, I don't know how to delete my comment!

Stop!

I'm doing it again. I'm overwhelmed with too many thoughts about too many things. I have to learn that I cannot be involved in as much now or when I get involved, I can't expect to "save the world." God doesn't expect this of me but rather to do only what I can. I don't have to do it all.

I remember at a session with my cognitive therapist, she reminded me that sometimes I just have to say to myself loud and clear, "stop." Right now many ideas and thoughts are darting through my mind about the Occupy movement here in Asheville and I must realize that it is not a good environment for someone who has a brain injury. I need structure and it is very unstructured. I can choose to leave it but I'm not ready to do this yet. I am in some discussions with folks in the movement about this so hopefully something will come out if them. I do need to stop thinking about it so much. It only stresses me out which makes it difficult for me to function.

The other thing I need to do is set boundaries. I have an Occupy folder so I can put things in there, close it and forget about it. As I was writing this post, someone from Occupy returned my call. There is a Facebook page for the movement that contains a lot of drama. I'm on it a lot since I've not been able to do a whole lot else. The person understood my concerns and seems to know many folks in the movement. I think he can help me plug in.

My conversation with him reminded me of another one I had with someone else really involved in the movement. I came away from that one feeling as I feel now. There are some good organizers in the group and they're staying out of all the drama that is Occupy Asheville. I need to stop thinking about the drama and just get down to business. I'll be a lot happier.

A New Year

A new year has begun and I can't seem to get myself going. I managed to block out the commercialized Christmas season by having a nice quiet Christmas at home. Circle of Mercy had a live nativity scene at a farm of some of the members which was a wonderful event. I then went to worship on Christmas day along with a few other people. Having Christmas on Sunday means a lot of people stay home!

I did feel sort of out-of-it since I don't have the family Christmas events that everyone else seems to have. You know something? That's okay with me especially since I don't like large gatherings (cognitive overload) and I realized that there are lots of people who don't have these sorts of events. The message we hear from our world is that something is wrong with us if we don't celebrate the way everyone else does. I ignored these messages and had a nice Christmas season anyway.

Now it is the New Year and I think I need to push myself since I don't feel like doing anything. (initiation) This is one of the problems with not working because it is easy to sit around drinking coffee and reading the New York Times. I always feel better when I push through these feelings so this is what I'm trying to do.

There's a picture of a moon at the top of this page. (I don't know how to crop it) Moons and rainbows have always meant a lot to me when I am in the darkness. A moon reminds me there is light within even when my life seems dark and dreary. I used to have a pair of moon earrings that I would wear to remind me of this spirit. For the time being, the picture above can help me remember.

Are there times when you feel particularly blue? How do you manage this? Commenting instructions are on the top right. Please remember that due to a computer glitch, I'm unable to comment here so if you would like a response email me at puffer61@gmail.com

The Angel Gabriel

This past Sunday at Grace Covenant, Mark Ramsey preached a sermon about Gabriel and how he came to Mary that affected me greatly. (Luke 1:26-38) It was called Nothing and you can read it here: http://storage.cloversites.com/gracecovenantpresbyterianchurch1/documents/sr-18dec11-alt.pdf
Of course listening to a sermon is always better so if you have time, go to http://www.gcpcusa.org/ and click on the section called "sermons/evotionals" where you can launch the media player.

I remember sitting in the pew listening to him repeat Gabriel's words over and over again, "nothing is impossible with God." He included present day situations such as a single parent struggling with poverty and someone struggling with a health problem, before repeating those words. I wanted to scream right there, "But what about a TBI survivor who can no longer walk and talk? What about a survivor who has difficulty controlling his or her emotions? What about the survivor who wants to work but never will again?"

I thought back to the time when we were doing a demonstration in front of my church in Atlanta when a man with a TBI lost his temper. He began running after a motorist screaming at the top of his lungs. This man used to be mild mannered and would never have done this before. I'm fairly mild mannered myself but my fuse is much shorter now. I remember several times losing my temper and throwing something across the room in anger.

Having a short fuse is a huge issue for survivors. I've learned how to put something down and go back to it later when I've calmed down. Sometimes I can't do this or my temper rises too quickly for me to catch it. When I get to this point there is no turning back. One cannot reason with a survivor in this situation. All one can do is make sure he or she is safe and let the anger run its course. You can talk about it later but not then. God has helped me learn to deal with this challenge and I usually catch it. I was mad after Mark's sermon and in my anger, I blocked out a whole lot of what he said before Gabriel's words. I did have the presence of mind to talk about my concerns with him and read his sermon later.

After re-reading it, I see how much I missed. He shared a suggestion by Sam Wells, Dean of the Chapel at Duke. Wells suggested we find someone to have a conversation with regarding the following questions: "Tell me about the ways in which you are rich. Tell me about the ways in which you are poor. Let me tell you about the ways in which I am rich. Let me tell you about the ways I am poor." As we do this, we are using Mary's song as a basis for conversation.

I had a WNC Brain Injury Network meeting this week and I knew several people there believed that "nothing is impossible with God." They walk now only because of God's power and strength. Instead of getting angry inside because I know lots of people who are loved by God who cannot walk, I considered the questions above. As each person spoke, I heard the answers indirectly and my anger dissapated. Brain injury had made us all rich and poor together. We may disagree on how God works in us but we're still connected by similar adversities.

In an email to me, Mark wrote, "I don't think the promises of scripture ("Nothing will be impossible...) are intended to be, necessarily, results-oriented or a cause -and-effect construct. I think they build imagination in us to stay connected with God through good and bad times....But I at least want some places in our life and faith - and Christmas seems like one of them - where we can give full throated expression to the boldly audacious claims of God through scripture without footnote or qualifiers. Anyway, that was the aim Sunday."

Speaking for myself, I'm not sure how successful Mark was with this aim. However, he did cause me to dig deeply into my own beliefs and to try and understand folks who's beliefs are different from mine. In the world of brain injury , this has been a bit of a struggle for me. Sometimes though, I must look at a person's deep poverty and riches and be willing to share mine. This deep understanding of each other is what is possible with God. So perhaps Mark did achieve his aim afterall.

Do you have a quick temper now? How do you manage it? What do you think of Gabriel's words, "nothing is impossible with God?" See above right for commenting instructions. Know that due to a computer glitch, I'm unable to comment here so if you want a response my email is puffer61@gmail.com

Homeless Remembrance and Cookies

Today there was a Homeless Remembrance service at the Haywood Street Congregation. The church has worship services on Wednesday at 12:30 and many members attend who do not have homes. A free lunch is provided for everyone as well as a clothes closet. Folks are not required to go to the worship service in order to receive lunch which is unlike some other organizations here in Asheville. I went with my friend Bill who often attends there. He used to not have a place to live but now I am on a team of folks supporting him as he moves into housing.

I've attended once before but today was a special day. We were remembering all those who died who were homeless in Asheville this past year. The crowd was large and fairly noisy. At one point, a mother left with her crying child and the pastor Brian said it would be fine if she wanted to stay. She still choose to leave. I think Brian's attitude is a good one to have for all must feel welsome at worship. However, I was secretly glad she took the baby out. It would have made worship very difficult for me to attend do to my inability to divide my attention. (If there's noise I am unable to block it out and focus on what is important) I don't do well with a lot of stimulation and this service certainly had this. I really wanted to attend so I pushed myself even though I knew it wasn't the best environment for me.

Following the service, a group of us who are supporting Bill as he goes from being homeless to having a home, met together to bake Christmas cookies. I don't usually attend two over stimulating events back-to-back but both events were important to me. We met at the synagogue which was near-by and we even had Jewish cookie cutters! I did talk to the Rabbi a bit about the difficulties of being Jewish during this Christmas season. I would have liked to talk to her and others on the team more about this but it is difficult for me to have a conversation while I'm doing something. I now can do only one thing at a time and I just couldn't concentrate enough on a conversation with all the hustle and bustle. (again, dividing my attention)

I did have to leave the room for a bit because I could feel myself being overloaded cognitively. I went to the sanctuary (Again, my ignorance. Is it called a sanctuary in a synagogue?) and put my ear plugs in but there was construction noise right outside the window. I went back to the fellowship hall and found a chair in the corner where I could "rest my brain." I felt much better after returning ten minutes later.

I don't think people realize how much energy and planning it takes to do simple things when one has a TBI. If you have a brain injury, what sort of things do you have to do in order to participate in events? Do you find it difficult to concentrate on things when something else is going on? Commenting instructions are on the upper right hand side. (I'm unable to comment here so if you would like a response, contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com) Have a happy holiday!