Holy Anticipation

Last night I had to be at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church for an alto rehearsal at 6 :15.  Ever since my accident, I don't see well in the dark.  I don't know exactly why this is or what happened to injure my eyes but something did.  As a result, I don't drive at night which is a real pain in the neck.  I couldn't find anyone to take me so I decided to take the bus.  I only needed to get it about an hour before I needed to be there so I figured it would be okay.

Of course I worried about it.  "What if I get on the wrong bus?  What if I pull the string to signal the driver to stop at the wrong place? What if I look like a jerk because I'm not familiar with the route?"  It's interesting because Mark Ramsey's sermon at GCPC this past Sunday was about Mary's song and it was called "What We Do While We Wait.....We Worry."  (The picture is "Magnificat!" by Sister Mary Grace Thul and was printed in the bulletin.)

We had an email exchange about parts of it yesterday before my bus trip.  I was especially bothered by one of his statements in the sermon: "...we find that anxiety has, by God's grace, become holy anticipation and against all appearances, and against all odds ---that literally saves our life." It's funny but when I reframed my worry this way, I wasn't so stressed.  By the time I was ready to go, I was okay. I think perhaps God's Spirit was at work.

I met my friend, Donnie, on the bus.  Donnie was homeless and he recently moved into an apartment.  He knew everyone on the bus which helped folks to begin talking to each other.  I discovered another woman was concerned about getting her connection as well.  When we got to the station, it was just in time for me to catch my bus.  However, I didn't know which one it was and by the time I figured it out, it had pulled out.  I ran after it screaming, "Wait!  Wait!"  A family with two young children were nearby waiting for their bus and they told me that once the driver closes the door it's not opened again. 

So I went into the bus station to try and figure out if another bus was going to come.  The guard sitting behind the information booth ignored my questions so I turned around and asked the other riders.  I was told another bus would come in about a half hour and I could wait.  I looked at my watch and saw I had 35 minutes until rehearsal began.  I said, "Shoot, I bet I could walk there faster!"  Another woman nodded and said, "Yep you could." 

I had no idea how far on Merrimon GCPC was but I figured I'm in good physical condition and it couldn't be too far so that's what I decided to do.  My first problem was trying to figure out how to get to Merrimon from the bus station.  Folks pointed me the right way but my spatial orientation issues got me all confused.  I asked several folks how to get there but I didn't write what they said down and I ended up walking all over downtown.

By the time I finally figured out where Merrimon was it was dark and I had only 15 minutes before the rehearsal began.  I thought about going back to the bus station to catch that bus but I wasn't sure how to get back to it.  So I trudged on in the dark. I considered stopping at one of the bus stops and waiting for the bus, but I do hate being in darkness outside like that. After a few feet, it is total darkness and it's a bit scary not knowing what is out there so I decided walking was the better option. 

It always helps me to think of a saying or a Scripture verse when I'm stressed out inside.  I thought back to Mark's sermon and tried to come up with that phrase that calmed me down before but all I could come up with was "holy *********!  I decided that wasn't the right phrase and walked on.

When I got to the McDonalds next to the church, the bus passed me.  When I arrived at the rehearsal I was a sweaty mess and was panting too hard to sing a note. Since my brain can handle only so much stimulation and my little journey began at 5 o'clock, by 7:45 I could tell I needed to "rest my brain."   One of the rest rooms has a couch so I went there, put in my ear plugs and turned out the light for a few minutes.  

I am thankful that God gives me, and others, the strength we need to live in our challenging, wonderful world.  


 

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"

In his column in the Asheville Citizen-Times yesterday, Roger Aiken wrote about a friend of his who was stricken with a brain aneurysm.  He battled infections and the doctors thought he might not survive.  He's able to work now but the experience profoundly changed him. 

Aiken's wrote about a manager's meeting they both recently attended.  It was an intense meeting and everyone was stressed but when Aiken looked over at his friend he saw the most peaceful expression on his face.  He mentioned this calmness to his friend who said. "These aren't problems, these are small issues.  I've seen problems. I can handle this."

Aiken's suggests what his friend might say if he had the chance. "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. Something wonderful begins to happen with the simple realization that life, like an automobile, is driven from the inside out, not the other way around."  I want to remember these words because I do tend to "sweat the small stuff." 

It is a challenge for me though.  The filters in my brain that monitor my emotions were injured so now I must monitor my emotions differently.  I have learned the best way to handle my feelings is sometimes to simply get out of the situation and leave the feelings behind.  This is easier said then done.  Early after my injury, I would try and swallow my feelings but that didn't work because they would often come out in other ways.  I vividly remember getting angry when I lived in an apartment in Atlanta.  I threw an apple against the wall.  I did feel better but it wasn't good for the apple or for the wall!

I also remember once here in Asheville I needed to figure out how to get somewhere the next day.  I hate dealing with directions since my spatial orientation is so out of whack.  I wanted my husband Michael to help me figure them out right then.  He was working on a project and couldn't stop.  So what did I do?  I slammed the door as I left the house to get the map out of the car.  After rustling around trying to find the map and making a mess of the inside of the car, I slammed the car door and went back into the house.  Just for good measure, I slammed the door again.

I rarely push past my limits now but it is not easy.  I dislike leaving meetings or rehearsals -I had to leave a choir rehearsal on Saturday because my emotions were overtaking my sense of reason.  However if I don't leave I might throw something against a wall which will only make me look silly and won't solve anything.  It's far better for me to take a few minutes and "rest my brain" so that I'm able to function in a responsible manner.

On the left, I posted a picture of the moon because a moon always calms me down inside.  It reminds me not to "sweat the small stuff." Life really is like an automobile and it must be lived from the inside out.  Seeing a moon reminds me of the deeper more important things of which there are many. Getting lost or throwing an apple against the wall is not one of them!  

 

 

 

Waiting In Darkness

I went back through my blog and noticed how in my last few posts, I sounded rather depressed and frustrated that I have a TBI.  In fact, I didn't like reading them for this reason.  However, I participated in an action on Saturday about the water issue here in Asheville and it energized me.  I do love actions!  I'll say more about this later but first I want to comment on today's devotional by Richard Rohr.

In it Rohr writes, "The darkness will never totally go away.  I've worked long enough in ministry to know that darkness isn't going to disappear, but that, as John's Gospel says, 'the light shines on inside of the darkness, and the darkness will not overcomeit' (1:5). He goes on to say that "the real question is how to receive the light and spread the light."

Looking back over my posts, I see my darkness.  I often get mad when I can't remember names or I get overstimulated. I can't help thinking, "if only I didn't have these challenges, I could do so much more!"  Sometimes I just lay on the couch and mope.  There's even been days when I don't bother getting out of bed because it seems I have no purpose in life.  "It would have been better if I had just died in my car accident all the years ago.  Then I could be with God and I wouldn't have to deal with all these challenges," I have thought.

Rohr says there are two ways to release our inner tension.  The first is to stop calling darkness darkness and to pretend it is passable light.  I've done this in the past and he is right.  His second suggestion is one that I find helpful just now. "Stand angrily, obsessively against it, but then you become a mirror image of it.  Everyone can usually see this but you!"  I did this on Saturday when I demonstrated against the states takeover of Asheville's water system.

On the right, is a picture of me demonstrating as many in our legislature were driving to a Christmas dinner at the Grove Park Inn.  Folks lined the streets carrying signs against this take over.  It's interesting to me that we were in the dark as we demonstrated. Rohr writes, "Our Christian wisdom is to name the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to live and work in the Light so that darkness does not overcome us."

We were standing in the darkness, as we often must do, when we work for peace and justice.  It isn't fair that I have a brain injury just as it isn't fair that so many folks must live with a disability.  We must "fit in" to a world that isn't made for us.

One example of this for me is, I really enjoy singing in the choir at GCPC.  However, I can't handle the stimulation as the choir processes in and out.  As a result, I've found a little room behind the Sanctuary where I can sit quietly wearing my ear-plugs so I may "rest my brain."  This makes my darkness, as Rohr describes, "passable light." 

At the end of his devotional, he writes "We must wait and work with hope inside of the darkness - while never doubting the light that God always is - and that we are too (Matthew 5:14).  That the narrow birth canal of God into the world -through the darkness and into an ever-greater Light."

Overstimulated? Stressed? Grrrrr

I wish I could keep this quote in my memory!   Especially now.  I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, or something.  I don't know what the right word is and I guess the truth is, it doesn't matter.

A few weeks ago, I decided to do more things knowing full well that doing more things means getting overwhelmed pretty easily.  I have got to stop worrying about what people think! 

An example of this is, I really love singing in the choir at Grace Covenant Presbyterian but it is hard to sit in front of the whole church the way we do.  I feel like everyone is looking at my every move!  The choir looks so good wearing robes and carrying black folders for holding the music. We have a processional in and then one as we leave winding back up the side aisles to sing with the congregation. 

I learned pretty quickly that I simply cannot handle the stimulation of standing in the narthex before the processional.  After the noise of being in the choir room as everyone puts on their robes and practicing, it was just too much.  So I don't process in but enter from the back.  It works really well for me because I can take a few minutes sitting in a room alone "resting my brain."

It's difficult for me to hold the black folder because of my arthritic hand.  It's much less painful for me to hold the anthem without the folder.  However, I can't help worrying what people will think to see this lone choir member holder her music without the folder.  I decided yesterday that I have to not care what people think and just do what I have to do to survive. 

Yes, this has been a huge issue for me as I try to be involved more.  I can do a whole lot but I have to do things differently.  I know people may wonder why I do something a certain way but it is causing me to use too many of the nerurons I have left in my brain to worry so much. I know what I have to do and if someone wants to ask me about it, they can.  I'm trying so hard not to spend time worrying what people think about me.  It takes too much energy and I don't have any to spare!

So I did today what I always do when I'm stressed out.  I swam laps at the Y.  At first, I had the whole pool to myself.  It's actually funny because I always worry about what the lifegaurd thinks of my sroke so I didn't want to swim in the lane closest to him. 

I made a joke about this and to my shock, he said "Well, I don't have anything else to do so I always look at people's strokes!"  I told him that if he had any comments about my stroke, to tell  me because I really wanted to improve.

He then asked, "Are you sure?  I've commented to people about their strokes and they have gotten mad at me so I've learned not to comment."  I assured him that I really appreciated his suggestions.  He gave me some wonderful tips on my kick and even showed me how to practice it.  It got me thinking about how much I really want some coaching on my stroke.  I checked at the front desk for some information on lessons.So this is my new project.  I do have a good stroke but I know it could be better.

So in addition to my singing voice, I'm going to work on my swimming.  I really like learning and I haven't been doing enough of it mainly because I learn differently now and I always worry about what people think!  It's funny but since I stopped taking the medications I took for migrain headaches, I can think clearer now and I have more evergy.  This allows me to learn new things and to enjoy what is before me. 

Now if I could only stop worrying what people think of me! 

Memorial Service

Today I helped lead a memorial service for a charter member of Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church.  I really don't have a lot of experience leading them.  I assisted a bit when I served a church in Atlanta but as the newest Associate Pastor at the church, I never had an opportunity to lead one.

It was the same when I served as a volunteer chaplain at the retirement center in Atlanta.  I assisted in many but led only one.  I remember how difficult it was trying to lead a service for someone I didn't know well.  After that one, I decided I didn't want to lead any more and as a volunteer chaplain that was my prerogative although after leading that one, I doubt I would have been asked to lead another!

I haven't worn my ministerial robe much since living in Atlanta seven years ago and I wore it today.  It's sort of funny because while I thought the stole was a white one, I wasn't sure so I checked it out with the Associate Pastor prior to the service.  Here I've been ordained for twenty years and I had to ask such a basic question!

It's an example of one of the difficulties of having a brain injury and not being involved in the mainstream of life.  I know I'm not a "dumb" person but many of the things I do might be considered "dumb."  For example, I haven't led or been to a whole lot of traditional Presbyterian memorial services.  This afternoon I sat up in front where the worship leaders sit while the organist was playing the prelude.  The other two pastors came in with the family so they could be seated at the front.

It was a huge family so they filed in a long line up the aisle.  I think the "proper" thing to do is to stand while the family enters but I wasn't sure so I decided to stand if everyone else stood.  Half-way through their entrance I realized that folks were going to follow my lead and since I didn't stand, neither did they.  I figured it was sort of silly for me to stand half-way through their entrance so I stayed seated.

Afterward, my worrywart personality took over and I kicked myself for my mistake.  "How could I have been so ignorant" I thought.  I then remembered something my cognitive therapist told me.  It takes a lot of  neuron energy to agonize over something so unimportant and it will wear me out if I spend time doing this.  When I begin to do this, she suggested I just tell myself to stop.  So this is what I did.   And it worked.

Afterwards a family member commented on a story I had told about just sitting in silence with the person and how I think our society depends on words too much. With tears in her eyes she described her experience of doing just that. God did touch someone with my words so all my worrying was for naught.

It really was a moving service even if my worrywart personality got in the way.  I worried about what I planned to say.  I worried about how Mark would tie it all together when he lead the Homily.  I worried that I would get overstimulated.  All that worrying wore me out!  The funny thing is, God was there and it went fine.  Today was a gorgeous fall day so when I returned home, I sat outside with my dog Sparky.  This was the rest my brain needed. 

Hopefully, I'll stop worrying about things so much.  Since I'm trying to be involved in more  now, I have to stop this or it isn't going to work.  I'll end up having to sleep for days after activities like I did when I was in Atlanta if I don't stop wasting so much brain power.    

Beach

Michael and I went to Myrtle Beach for a few days this week.  I think this is the best time to go since hotels are cheaper and we can take Sparky.  Pictured at left is Michael and Sparky as they romped on the beach.

I've never really understood the need for vacations.  Oh I like going places but traveling is difficult for me.  I do better when things are consistent which is why I like staying home.  I know where things are and I don't do well with anything unexpected. In fact, new information causes cognitive overload which makes me tired. I seem to have to "rest my brain" a lot which annoys me.  Michael convinced me that it would be good for me to get away from things for a few days so we went to the beach.

He was right. There is something about water that is healing to my spirit.  I enjoyed walking Sparky on the beach and wading in the water.  He's not a water dog but he likes anything new and different so he had a good time as well. It was fun watching him take a big drink of the ocean and end up with a mouth full of salt water!

However, I did have something on my mind that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head and as a result I used my Android to communicate with folks back in Asheville. It drove Michael a little bit nuts and at one point he got a little peeved with me.  He brought me back to my senses and I was able to put things aside.

The experience did get me thinking though.  I often get something on my mind and I need to deal with it right then.  I have a hard time putting something aside for later. I think sometimes I get too focused on something and then I suffer from mental fatigue because I'm thinking about it too much!

I had a phone meeting with my cognitive therapist last week and one thing she helped me with was coming up with a list of things I can do that are vital to my well being.  Among her suggestions were the following: "Be clear about my strengths and what I can offer. When I get stressed and stuck, put it down and do something else. Find my creative spirit on a regular basis."

The beach put me in touch with my creative spirit.  Also when I helped drive home, we listened to the Dvorak Cello concerto as well as some pieces by Ernest Bloch.  Music is a sure fire way to tap into my creative energy as well as the Spirit and  I must say, I do feel better today than before we went to the beach!          

"All or Nothing"

The picture at left is of a book by Kathleen O'Connor called Jeremiah: Pain and Promise. I've always disliked Jeremiah and I've tended to skip it because it is so violent.  The God it depicts is not a God I want to serve so I've ignored  it and focused on other parts of Scripture.  In the preface O'Connor writes  "It (this book) is an interpretation of aspects of Jeremiah using insights drawn from contemporary studies of trauma and disaster."

However, when I discovered this book published in 2011, I wanted to read it.  I've only read three chapters but I think it will give me important insights into Jeremiah. (I've also disliked Paul and so I contacted folks I know who might be aware of things I can read about him as well.  But my first focus is on Jeremiah.)

Reading books and retaining information is very difficult for brain injury survivors.  When I was cleaning out my files on brain injury, I came upon some old notes I had from rehab about reading and studying a book.  It used to be I could read something and then remember it right away.  I have gotten frustrated with all the things I must do to remember now and the way I've dealt with it was to completely stop reading biblical and theological books.

I must say, I do have an "all or nothing" mentality.  I get excited about things I used to be able to do easily  and want to be able to do them as I could before.  I also see folks around me who don't have a brain injury who can do these things and I often compare myself to them.

When I do a lot of intellectual thinking, I become overstimulated which then makes me tired. As I went through my brain injury rehab files, I came upon a list of things to do for recreation and to "rest the brain."   The list suggested "listening to music" which reminded me to stop and listen to a recording I have of Yo-Yo Ma playing the cello concerto in b minor.  Again, music touches my being way more than anything else.  So I stopped and listened to it.  I felt so much better.  Perhaps I can lick my "all or nothing" mentality!

Challenges

I know I have fewer neurons in my brain now so it takes much less to wear me out. Perhaps I got too excited these past few days and have tried to do too much.  In any case, it is time for me to regroup. 

I loved the choir rehearsal Wednesday night.  My old "perfectionism" got in the way though.  Why do I always feel like I have to do everything just right?  Shoot, it was my first rehearsal and it doesn't matter if I hit some clinkers.  Well, I didn't hit many clinkers but I'm always so self-conscious and get down on myself too easily.  I haven't sung in a choir in over 20 years so of course I'm going to be rusty!

It's difficult to see what the picture at left is but it shows my files on disability and brain injury.  I went through my files this week and I'm trying to organize them. In order to get them out of way, I simply put them on a shelf in my bedroom and I'll deal with them later. I did, however, look through them to find my information from a class called "brain group" that I took in rehab.  I know my graphs and such are really simplistic but I really like having a understanding of what happened to me.

My whole brain bounced around in the accident so the damage isn't in a particular lobe but rather all of the lobes.  Everyone has different challenges since every brain injury is different.  It seems many of my challenges come from damages to the frontal lobe or what is called "the boss."  Organizing and planing happens here which are definitely my weaknesses.  

In fact, lately I may be trying to do too much organizing, planning, reasoning and concentrating which all come from that lobe.  I've been trying to do some Scriptural study and got interested in finding a progressive way to view Paul.  I emailed folks who might know and ended up getting some good book ideas.  In addition, I want to improve my singing so I've been trying to figure out how to practice.

I've been doing too much organizing and concentrating which means I must "rest my brain."  I can do this in several ways but one way is to do something fun and relaxing.  I decided to burn some incense, close my eyes and listen to a recording I have of Poeme mystique, a piece for violin and piano written in 1924 by Ernest Block. 

I love this piece.  I played it for a recital for my Master's degree in Violin Performance years ago.  I read the liner notes today which said, "The inspiration for the Poeme was an unusual dream that he had after an intense period of crisis and illness.  The dream was emotionally charged, unreal and ecstatic."  This explains why I have always been able to relate to this piece.  I'm not in crisis now but it is not an easy time.  The liner notes continue, "This is a most 'uncerebral' composition.  In our day and time this work has made a comeback - being played more often recently perhaps as an antidote to our disturbed epoch." 

So I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing but take more breaks when I do.  I may not be able to do this but I want to try.

Grass Trimmer

I had it out with the Grass Trimmer this morning.  I preached yesterday at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church and I have some thoughts about this that I will share later this week.  It always helps me to let things ruminate in my mind first before putting them down on paper.  But first, the grass trimmer.

I needed a new grass trimmer so Michael and I went to get one this weekend.  He has a friend knowledgeable about such things who suggested several different kinds, one being Echo. I've gone through two already so it was clear I needed a good one.  I really prefer an electric one since gas really does a number on the environment but this one was gas and after a few minutes thinking about it, I decided to get it.


This is a picture of the instruction manual.  Well it actually had two different manuals both in many different languages.  I figured out this was the one I needed. Now for the hard part: trying to understand them.

I don't follow written manuals very well when they have anything to do with mechanical things.  I've always had trouble using them but since my TBI, it is even worse. It especially is hard when I'm dealing with something I know nothing about, such as a grass trimmer.

It had the normal page with the parts labeled with numbers and then one went to a map to figure out what each part was.  I could never remember what each label meant so I had to keep turning the pages back and forth.  After figuring out how to switch it on, I had to read how to start the darn thing.

My electric one was easy to figure out.  I just pushed a button and it started.  Not so with this one.  It had a start switch, throttle trigger, choke, recoil starter and other things I didn't even need to start it.  The manual said to turn the switch on, pump bulb, pull throttle trigger, pull the recoil starter, hold the trigger and then it should start. The problem was, I then had to turn the page to find out what the labels meant since I always forgot.  Well, I think that's what it said.  In any case, it didn't start.  So I went to the manual again.

Actually I was trying to balance the manual on my lap while I was going through the instructions so I could look back at it.  You see I don't remember steps too things well.  If someone is around it is easier just to ask them to do it since they can usually remember the steps.  However, I was alone so I decided to ask Michael when he got home later today. I really wanted to do it this morning and I knew the last thing he would want to do when he got home from work was to figure out how to use a grass trimmer. Plus, I don't like depending on people so I tried to remember what's helped me in situations like this in the past.

That's when I thought about writing down the pertinent steps on a card.  (You can see the card in the picture above.)  It took me a while to do this because I had to wade through the directions and I kept forgetting what I had to do next.  But after following the directions on the card, I was able to start it.  I was so happy but it stopped once at the beginning which meant pulling out the card again.  After a couple of tries, I got it chugging.

However, when I was on the side of the house, it ran out of gas so I had to fill it up and start it again.  I could feel myself getting agitated so I took a few minutes break before I tried it again. In fact, due to mental fatigue, all the way through I took a breaks just to rest my brain.  I didn't bother with ear plugs but played around on Facebook for a few minutes. Just doing something else seems to help my brain rest so it can work better on the project. 

This whole process took me a long time to do. I think it takes folks who have disabilities much longer to do many things.  In our world, this can be problematic because everyone is so busy and wants to get things done quickly.  I think probably too busy, but that's another story!  This is definitely a place where people who have disabilities can teach those without, how to live a much richer life. 

Transformation

Yesterday at Circle of Mercy Mahan Siler preached a sermon titled When the Power Goes Out. I must say I could really relate to it.  He spoke about powerlessness and how this drives us to prayer.

In his sermon last night Mahan reminded us of I Corinthians 12:7 where Paul writes about the "thorn in his side." I know that no one knows exactly what this thorn was but I feel my brain injury is the "thorn in my side."  I have never asked God to take my brain injury away as Paul appears to have done with his thorn but it does feel a bit like a thorn.

I have a Presbytery meeting tomorrow and I thought it was at a different place.  Since I don't need to take my nap anymore, I decided not to figure out how to do this during the meeting.   I figured I could find a room somewhere at the church, put in my ear plugs and "rest my brain" for a few minutes. 

 However, I realized over the weekend that the meeting is in an unfamiliar place.  Since I don't do well with the unexpected, I needed to figure out how to deal with my over stimulation.  So I called and got directions to where I could go for a break.  I need to be prepared for when my spatial orientation stuff kicks in and I have that "flighty" feeling.  I can deal with it much better if I think about it happening before it really does happen.

So everything is all set.  The problem is, I worry about all the little things that might happen.  Will I be able to get to the meeting okay after taking Sparky to "Doggie Daycare?"  Will I get overstimulated and have to find a place to "rest my brain?" Will I have difficulty finding my car after the meeting is over?  I've decided to pack a lunch and will eat in a quiet room somewhere to get out of the stimulation.  I saw the button pictured below today and it struck a nerve.

I'm afraid I worry too much about what people think about me. My cognitive therapist reminded me that folks have so much on their minds already, they probably don't even think about me at all!

At the risk of doing the "proof text" thing, I did rediscover Romans 12:2 today.  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me.  I pray that my mind will be transformed into being what God calls me to be and not what God calls others to be.  Sometimes when I see all the other ministers (teaching elders) and elders (ruling elders) I feel bad since I cannot do as much as they can.  Our society is so "do" oriented which leaves those of us who are unable to do as much, behind.  Yet,  I think God really isn't interested in how much each of us does but rather in how we relate to God and the world around us. 

Gracious God, transform me!  I cannot do it myself even though I too often try.  Amen     

One wild and Precious Life.

At the Good Friday service at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, one of the speakers read from "The Summer day" a poem by Mary Oliver  It really stuck with me and if you want to read it here's the link: http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html .  I had heard it before but hearing it then was just the right time.  She wrote, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

I had one of those long, drawn out Presbytery meetings today.  They are always difficult for me and since our Presbytery is stretched out so far geographically, I've made the choice to attend only the ones I can drive to on my own.  This means I only attend perhaps two out of four each year.  This one was particularly difficult because there was an issue before the Presbytery with which I felt rather strongly . I decided this past weekend to write a short statement and speak today.

It almost felt as if God was giving me the words to say.  I didn't want to speak there because it stresses me out terribly. Yet, I couldn't ignore that pull inside of me.  So I wrote something.  The words came which was great.  I practiced it a little bit because I'm not one of those preachers who can preach without practicing.  I knew that my words weren't really supposed to be a sermon but I thought I would say them anyway.

I chose to wear moon earrings that a friend of mine made for me because the image of the moon always gives me strength.  I don't as a rule wear dangle earrings whenever I speak but I decided this time, I needed anything that would remind me to stay calm.

The day started out with me taking Sparky to Doggie Daycare.  It's a new location so I had to use my GPS.  I then saw the highway was backed up going back so I decided to try going to the meeting a different way.  My GPS took me the long way but I got there to the meeting just fine.  When I arrived, I had to "rest my brain" by putting in my ear plugs and sitting in the car for a few minutes.  Driving even more than 40 minutes tires me out.

So when I felt ready to enter the building I did.  As usual, it was crowded and noisy.  I don't do well in those environments but I managed to get through it.  I sat in the front so I could concentrate on the proceedings.  What I didn't bargain for, was the moderator's lack of moderating skills.  She kept confusing Roberts Rules of Orders and seemed unsure.  I know I wouldn't want to try and moderate this group.  I was nervous enough just by speaking for 1 1/2 minutes! I felt for her because she's was called to a very difficult job and I know this only too well.  However, folks stepped forward to help her and in the end, it worked out.  God truyly is a great God!

Never the less, I found myself getting angry inside at all the shenanigans.  The only thing I could think of to do was to step out for a few minutes, put in my ear plugs and "rest my brain"  So that is what I did.  I've stopped worrying what folks think of me when they see me sitting in a corner somewhere with my eyes closed and my ear plugs in.  I returned to the meeting when my emotions were better under control.

What did I find when I returned?  The same stuff!  Again, I lasted as long as I could but I decided I'd better just get out of there and come back after lunch.  So I went to my car, put the seat back and rested for a few minutes.  I pulled out my Android and my lunch and munched happily away.

I did, however, remember that Bills and Overtures had said anyone who wanted to speak about one of the overtures, could meet with them.  I decided this was a good thing for me to do.  Shoot, I had spent time writing my little speech and I wanted to say it!  I think God was with me because I was able to locate folks who knew where the committee was meeting so I went there.  I was early so again, I put in my ear plugs, closed my eyes and rested my brain in the quiet room.

After saying my little spiel and then hearing everyone's comments at the meeting, I changed my view on the amendment. I had written my little spiel in favor of the overture so I adjusted it a little.  I then went back to the meeting in progress.  This time I sat in the back of the auditorium so I could freely roll my eyes.  I figured I would speak if I felt the spirit moving inside.  If not, I wouldn't.

A funny thing happened.  I acted like a lot of ministers at Presbytery meetings. I think they talk just so they can hear themselves talk!  I wanted to say my little spiel even though I didn't think it would change anyone's mind.  So when the time came, I spoke.  It went fine like it always is when I speak.  I had gone through all my anxiety for what amounted to nothing.

After the meeting, I struggled with my feelings.  Did I really hear God moving in my spirit and telling me to speak or was I only hearing my own voice?  On the way out, I shared my concerns with a minister friend and she said something interesting.  She alluded to her Quaker siblings and how they are always talking about feeling God's Spirit within them.  Perhaps God was moving in a way that I didn't yet understand.

I've thought about her words often since the meeting.  Did I misunderstand God's voice?  I've come to the conclusion now that I did not.  Michael and I are doing several presentations on brain injury to law enforcement professionals as well as some other folks.  We've done two and I was a nervous wreck for the first one.  It's funny because Michael is doing the bulk of it and  I'm only adding my personal survivor stories. He should be the one filled with anxiety! The first one went well and we were asked to do another.  I stressed over this one a little less than the first.  So now we are going to do a third one on May 1. 

This experience today, helped me see that I still can speak.  Oh, I can't remember the words as well and I worry that I'm going to mess up but so far, it's been okay. The same with the brain injury presentations.

 So what am I going to do with my one, wild and precious life?  I'm not going to waste it by being filled with anxiety!  Tomorrow I was supposed to deliver vegetables from GCPC's garden to a friend who has a low income and cannot afford to buy them.  Instead, I made the necessary calls and someone has agreed to do it for me. So I plan to drink good coffee, write in my journal and read the New York Times.  I might even work out in the yard! So I'm going to still be responsible but I'm going to enjoy this life God has given me.  After all, this is the only life I have and I don't want to waste it.

Homeless Remembrance and Cookies

Today there was a Homeless Remembrance service at the Haywood Street Congregation. The church has worship services on Wednesday at 12:30 and many members attend who do not have homes. A free lunch is provided for everyone as well as a clothes closet. Folks are not required to go to the worship service in order to receive lunch which is unlike some other organizations here in Asheville. I went with my friend Bill who often attends there. He used to not have a place to live but now I am on a team of folks supporting him as he moves into housing.

I've attended once before but today was a special day. We were remembering all those who died who were homeless in Asheville this past year. The crowd was large and fairly noisy. At one point, a mother left with her crying child and the pastor Brian said it would be fine if she wanted to stay. She still choose to leave. I think Brian's attitude is a good one to have for all must feel welsome at worship. However, I was secretly glad she took the baby out. It would have made worship very difficult for me to attend do to my inability to divide my attention. (If there's noise I am unable to block it out and focus on what is important) I don't do well with a lot of stimulation and this service certainly had this. I really wanted to attend so I pushed myself even though I knew it wasn't the best environment for me.

Following the service, a group of us who are supporting Bill as he goes from being homeless to having a home, met together to bake Christmas cookies. I don't usually attend two over stimulating events back-to-back but both events were important to me. We met at the synagogue which was near-by and we even had Jewish cookie cutters! I did talk to the Rabbi a bit about the difficulties of being Jewish during this Christmas season. I would have liked to talk to her and others on the team more about this but it is difficult for me to have a conversation while I'm doing something. I now can do only one thing at a time and I just couldn't concentrate enough on a conversation with all the hustle and bustle. (again, dividing my attention)

I did have to leave the room for a bit because I could feel myself being overloaded cognitively. I went to the sanctuary (Again, my ignorance. Is it called a sanctuary in a synagogue?) and put my ear plugs in but there was construction noise right outside the window. I went back to the fellowship hall and found a chair in the corner where I could "rest my brain." I felt much better after returning ten minutes later.

I don't think people realize how much energy and planning it takes to do simple things when one has a TBI. If you have a brain injury, what sort of things do you have to do in order to participate in events? Do you find it difficult to concentrate on things when something else is going on? Commenting instructions are on the upper right hand side. (I'm unable to comment here so if you would like a response, contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com) Have a happy holiday!

Occupy Wall Street

First, I want to say that I still am unable to respond to comments in the comment section. I really appreciated the comment yesterday since sometimes I wonder if my writing affects anyone. As I said before, I may switch to WordPress (although I've been putting it off because learning another system is hard for me) because commenting is much easier there than on Blogspot. I really want folks to share their stories in this section because folks with brain injuries need to talk to each other. For the time being if you want a response, feel free to contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com If you feel comfortable leaving your email on your comment you can do that as well.

The picture on the left is why I am involved in this movement. I understand that many in the movement are not religious and that's okay. I actually like this because sometimes church folks can be a pain. (Sorry to people who go to church!) I'm drawn to this movement because there are so many things that occupiers believe which are a part of Jesus' teachings.

Many of the things I want to do with the movement really hit on my TBI weaknesses. I've made the decision to do these things and then take the consequences. Fortunately I choose things where I can handle the consequences which normally means dealing with the stress before and spending some time alone to recuperate and "rest my brain" afterwards.

I have written about this before but the occupy movement is full of challenging things for me. For example a proposal was on the Asheville City Council's agenda this past Tuesday that would no longer allow the current camp site in front of City Hall. I think we focus too much on camping to the determent of our other activities but I do believe camping serves the purpose of keeping these issues in front of people. When I walked my dog that morning, I thought of a statement I could make at the meeting.

One of the reasons I wanted to speak was because I'm middle aged and look different from the other protesters portrayed in the media. I don"t believe my differences are better in the least but I think we need to draw more folks like me. Making a statement at a meeting hits all my weaknesses however. My stress level comes into play since I can't take nearly the amount of pressure I could take before my injury. I do like to speak so I try and determine if the stress is worth it. It means taking some time afterwards to "rest my brain" and being very nervous before. I always allow much time to prepare a short speech. I never do it the day of but in this situation, if I wanted to speak, I had to prepare comments that morning.

I worked out a ride to the meeting. We were at the end of the agenda so I had to sit through the other presentations. This was a lot of stimulation for me. I made a point to sit in the front since blocking out background noise is hard. I like politics and I enjoyed watching the council members. However, I could feel my brain becoming overloaded so I put in my ear plugs to block out the sound. It felt a bit silly sitting in the third row wearing my ear plugs but I've learned to try not to care what people think.

There was a motion to send it to a committee and we were allowed to speak to this motion. It's funny but I liked what I had written. (It was a little like a short sermon) and I was disappointed to not say it especially after dealing with all my challenges. I don't think on my feet well but I decided to oppose the motion but saying part of my little speech. A television news camera man was there and a clip of my speech played on the news. Several folks who saw it and aren't involved in the movement, said they support the movement and hope it grows.

I'm glad I spoke and I may have to say the rest of my little speech in January when it comes before council again. I'll have to work on another opening because the one I had was great and I already said it. Ah well. I'll decide if speaking is worth dealing with all my brain injury challenges when we get closer to the date.

International Day of Action

Sunday was the day when all cities involved in the Occupy Wall Street movement came together and had some sort of action. Here in Asheville, there was a rally in Pritchard Park with music and speakers at 2 PM. The picture above is of that rally. Following the rally was the general assembly followed by picketing. Lorettas's Kitchen has been providing meals every day but I'm not sure they did this on Saturday. There was plenty of donated food, however and it was a great day.

The Asheville Citizen Times did a story on the occupation Sunday. http://www.citizen-times.com/article/20111016/NEWS/310160066/Occupy-Asheville-protesters-explain-why-they-re-here?odyssey=tabtopnewstextFrontpage This movement doesn't have any leaders and it''s been hard for people to pin down exactly what the demands are. When I attended the General Assembly, we broke up into working groups and I sat in on a group trying to come up with specific demands. A proposal will come before the General Assembly which will then decide by consensus whether to support this proposal.

I support this movement 100% but it is not a good project for someone with a brain injury to be involved in. Due to my frontal lobe injuries, I need structure and organizing anything is very difficult for me. This movement has no structure and is figuring things out as it goes along. Yesterday I was fortunate to sit next to a couple of folks involved in the organizing process and listened in on their conversation. They mentioned many of the things I've been concerned about. I was impressed with their thoughts and it gave me hope that this movement is going somewhere. I don't need to step up for there are others willing and able to do this.

Let me mention a couple of my challenges. I've mentioned cognitive overload before and it was really a problem for me during the meetings. So much goes on and I have to "rest my brain." Toward the end of the rally I knew that I needed to go somewhere, put in my ear plugs and sit quietly for a few minutes. The problem was, we were at Pritchard Park in downtown Asheville so there really was no place for me to go. I ended up walking to the back of the park and finding a place by a wall and under a tree. I put in my ear plugs and sat down on the ground next to the wall. The ear plugs didn't block all the sound but it was enough. When I heard the meeting was about to begin, I joined it again.

It is difficult for me to focus and to pay attention in these types of environments. I have discovered the best way for me to focus is to sit near the front. I've gone to two other partial general assemblies and I sat in the back. This caused problems because I kept hearing people talking around me and I could not focus. This time I decided I would sit right in the front. I found a place for the rally but when I left to "rest my brain" for a few minutes, I had to find another place in front. I felt a little uncomfortable moving to the front like I did, but I knew it was the only way I would be able to focus on the conversation.

I wish I could remember names! I watched Sunday's meeting last night on the live stream and one of the organizers said something about homeless folks and I had some resources to share. I didn't know his name so I spent a good part of today sending emails to the facebook group. I finally reached someone by messaging on facebook. I don't even know if my resources would do any good but at least I got them to the right place. I'm going to start a file with a list of the names of different people from the group. There is a facebook page with 3000+ members and I'm forever getting confused as to who is who.

I plan to set limits as I do with other things that are difficult for me. I won't be able to attend many general assemblies but I will attend the ones I can. I plan to read the information on the web site and listen to the live stream. I really support this and I want to be involved in any way I can.

If you are a brain injury survivor, are there things that are difficult for you to do yet you still try to do them? Is it hard for you to accept this fact? Do you find compensatory strategies to do those things? See above right for commenting instructions. I'm still not able to respond to your comments here do to technical difficulties but feel free to contact me directly at Puffer61@gmail.com if you'd like a response.

Troy Davis

Last Wednesday night Troy Davis was put to death by the state of Georgia. Thousands of people all over the world tried to stop it to no avail. One of my facebook friends wrote, "I wonder what's going to happen....all I know is, if Pope Benedict, Jimmy Carter and Bob Barr all agree on something, somebody should listen." I am very much opposed to the death penalty but in this case it's possible an innocent person was killed.

All this brought back memories for me. In the 90's, I began visiting a man named Terry Mincey who was on death row in Jackson, Georgia. When GA switched its execution method to lethal injection, Terry was the first man killed. As a result the event garnered quite a bit of attention. There is always a vigil outside the prison but this time there were newspaper cameras everywhere. At one point, I got angry and screamed, "Stop taking my picture!" Immediately a group of people stood in front of me to block the cameras but it was too late. A picture ran of me in the Atlanta papers. I must say, it captured my sadness perfectly.

I preached a sermon about my experience with Terry at the Open Door Community in Atlanta afterwards. I don't know if I can attach it to this blog but if you're interested in reading a copy, contact me directly puffer61@gmail.com) and I'll send it to you.

Due to my TBI, visiting Terry was difficult for me. The Open Door Community visits the prison every month and I first went with them. They drive a van the 1 1/2 hour south to the prison from Altlanta. Many of the folks on the trip are family members. Sometimes the trip was noisy (overstimulation) with children laughing and I found the trip difficult. Since at that time I wasn't driving on the highway, making the trip alone was not possible so every month I made the trip.

Pencil and paper are not allowed in the visiting room. I have learned that if I want to remember something, I must write it down. As I've said before, there are three parts to memory. First, one must get it in the brain. Second, it must be stored and third, it has to be retrieved. My way to store it is to write it down and then I can retrieve it by reading it later. I always took notes about my visit when I was riding home but I'm able to remember something for only a short time before I must write it down.

Leaving the prison was quite an experience. I waited for the guard to let me out of the room. I then waited for my companions before our long walk out of the prison. Trying to attend to things and concentrating really wore me out (cognitive overload, resting brain). I put in my ear plugs and slept all the way home. There was often noise in the van which made resting difficult for me. Fortunately later, I found folks who drove up separately so I didn't have to continue taking the trip with the Open Door Community. Either way, the trip wiped me out.

My experience with Terry made me interested in visiting as clergy. I tried doing this once but realized it was going to be very hard for me to do with all my challenges. Terry knew about my memory challenges and he often wrote me letters about our visits. This helped immensely. I think when I first began visiting, Murphy Davis, who is responsible for setting people up with someone to visit, choose Terry for me because she knew he would understand my challenges and be willing to work with them.

In retrospect, I'm very glad I took the opportunity to visit Terry even though it pushed on all my deficits. In the early years of being a survivor, I didn't know how to pace myself. Sometimes I did more than I really was able and I then had to sleep for days. Now I know where my limits are and I try to plan for them. However, sometimes things don't go as planned. Troy's execution was one of those times. It was postponed for hours and instead of going to bed early like I always do, I stayed up and watched Democracy Now which was broadcasting from the prison. I hoped the Supreme Court would stop the execution but this didn't happen. So I stayed up and watched till the bitter end.

West Asheville Street Clean-up

A couple of months ago there were some home invasions where neighbors were held at gunpoint in my neighborhood here in West Asheville, NC. A group called "West Asheville Watch" was hastily formed and we now have a facebook page (1300 members) and as of yesterday, a web site. The police can only do so much and studies have shown that when people look out for each other and have neat and clean neighborhoods, there is less crime.

So on Saturday, I participated with about 18 other neighbors in a project to clean about 1/2 mile on Louisiana Avenue. We collected about 103 bags of dirt, trash and debris in a morning long event and I returned in the afternoon to take the picture posted above. Of course in this picture you don't see all of us wearing our bright vests as we raked, shoveled and gathered weeds and trash from the curb and sidewalk. You also don't get to see the traffic whizzing by. We even had a police escort because Louisiana is often congested.

Events like these are always difficult for me. I concentrated on trying to gather the debris as numerous cars drove by. I had several conversations with folks (good ones, too!) but all the commotion overstimulated me. I really needed to get away for a few minutes, put my ear plugs in and "rest my brain." Since there wasn't a good place to do this, I decided to leave after only a little more than an hour.

I hate having to "shirk my duties" like this but I have learned that if I push myself to finish whatever I'm doing, I have to spend a long time resting. On Saturday I took a nap when I returned home and I was good to go on Sunday. Years ago, I often pushed myself until I ended up having to rest for days. I now know my limits. Oh, I'm certainly not happy about them but I function much better when I listen to my body. I think we all do - brain injury or not.

A quote by Hubert Humphrey helps me here. "It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." There is a lot I can no longer do but I do what I can. I think this is all God asks of any of us.

If you have a brain injury, how do you pace yourself? Do you get angry when you can no longer do what you did before? See above right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com Due to a computer glitch, I cannot respond here but I read every comment.

I've been a little disappointed that brain injury survivors have not commented here. Being a survivor is lonely and often folks don't understand our challenges. I hoped this blog would be a place where survivors could share their experiences together but it hasn't turned out that way. I know commenting on blogspot is difficult and so I may switch to wordpress, where commenting is easier. I would be interested in your thoughts about this. Please write me at puffer61@gmail.com

Against the Wind

This is my second post on two different sermons I heard last week on Matthew 14:22-23 (see "Water Walk on August 8). Mark Ramsey, the Pastor at Grace Covenant Presbyterian, preached this one and like Ken's, I found ways it applied to me as a TBI survivor. Mark said,"But while he was praying, the wind came up and waves began to batter the disciple's boat. Whatever you believe about the rest of this story, surely you can believe this part: the wind was against them."

As a TBI survivor, the wind is against me. It's against me when I get lost all the time. (spatial orientation) It's against me when I have difficulty organizing my thoughts. It's against me when I get overstimulated from the various sounds around me. It's against all of us but we find ways to push against this wind.

I think of an experience that happened at an brain injury support group in Atlanta of which I was a part. The group consisted of survivors and their supporters. On one evening we were talking about a difficult situation occurring in the Georgia Brian Injury Association. Some of us had strong feelings and it got pretty tense. Suddenly, Brian shouted "Stop." Now Brian uses a wheel chair and has great difficulty speaking but everyone quieted down to hear what he had to say. With great difficulty he continued. "We're all on the same side!" After he spoke, no one said a word because everyone knew he was right.

If we are going to push against the wind, we need each other. That's why being around other brain injury survivors is important. We can understand what the other is going through. We started a support group here in Asheville called "Brainstormers" because we needed a place where we could share our struggles together and give each other support. There is another support group here but it has a different focus. Unfortunately, we havn't been able to keep it going but I don't want to give up on it yet. I'm going to try and find someone who can work with me to push against the wind.

Mark also said, "In this story it was not the storm that sank Peter. It was fear and his inability to believe in the sustaining presence and power of God in the midst of the storm" Fear encapsulates a lot of things with worry and distress among them. I worried when I went to the rally downtown on Wednesday. I worried about parking so I took the bus. I used to take public transportation in Atlanta when I couldn't drive. I always wrote my bus numbers and stop times on a little piece of paper because I couldn't remember them. I saved each piece of paper so I could use it again when I needed to take the same trip over which was often.

On Wednesday, I used an umbrella to shield me from the hot sun as I waited for the bus. I shared it with another woman and was remind again how hard it is not to have a car in Asheville. In the process of paying my fare and putting down my umbrella, I lost the little piece of paper which told me how to get to the rally. When I got to the bus station, all I could remember was I needed to get to Pritchard Park. When I arrived there, I discovered it was at Pack square. At least I had the "P" right! So I got directions to Pack Square and arrived only a little late.

All the stimulation of taking the bus, trying to focus on the speakers and standing in the hot sun overloaded me cognitively and I needed to "rest by brain." So the next morning, I swam hard laps. I usually take a high intensity water aerobics class but I didn't need to focus on an instructor or try to listen to her with all the noise from a children's class on the other side of the pool. Swimming laps and praying later, allowed me to "rest my brain" so that I could continue pushing against the wind.

Mark also said, "Faith is not the absence of fear (or worry and distress) but courage to walk through the fear and take the hand that is offered. To be courageous is not to be fearless; it is to be able to act in spite of fear." We need others in order to push against the wind.

With all your challenges, how do you push against the wind? Do you have support networks? I would like for this blog to be a place where brain injury survivors can share their struggles. If you have a comment, see the directions on commenting above right. Due to technical difficulties, I am unable to respond here but I read every one. Hopefully, I'll fix this soon. Feel free to comment directly to me at puffer61@gmail.com

Over-stimulation

It's happened again and I hate it. Prior to my TBI I could do things all the time. Now too much stimulation and I get tired. Even though I know this and am careful to avoid too much activity, sometimes I can't help it. When I say "activity" I mean paying attention to everything. I didn't realize how much one concentrates and pays attention to their environment every day until I became a TBI survivor. Simply driving or walking down the street means one is hit with all sorts of stimuli. We may not know it but lights, sound, speaking and everything else we do causes our brains to work.

For example, my day yesterday was too much for me and I didn't even do that much! Shoot, I used to have meetings, appointments and writing assignment all day and night long. Yesterday I worked in Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church's community garden in the morning. The garden is right in the front yard by a busy street with lots of traffic noise. After that, I delivered some vegetables to someone before driving home. All that in itself was a lot of stimulation.

I then cleaned up, ate lunch and visited someone in the afternoon. I really enjoy visiting folks for my church but when I concentrate on a conversation for a length of time, it wears me out. I then had to pick up my dog from day care. I know! I know! Day care for a dog sounds crazy but I have a dog that thrives on stimulation and he gets it there. But it meant picking him up before going downtown for a rally sponsored by the organization Move-On. I really wanted to go even though I knew it was a lot, so I went.

Even though downtown Asheville is not far, I didn't want to find a parking place and then remember where I parked the car (spatial orientation) so I decided to take the bus. I used to take the bus in Atlanta when I couldn't drive at all and I had tons of little pieces of paper with my bus numbers and times on them. I always had to write everything down including what subway station to take. (memory) It took a long time to get anywhere but it worked. The Asheville Transit isn't as good but taking a bus from my home downtown is pretty easy.

I brought my umbrella to shield me from the sun and I prepared to wait at the stop. A woman joined me and we shared my umbrella. The experience reminded me what I like about the bus. I always meet interesting people and I'm more aware of the difficult lives many people must face. I had a choice to take the bus but some folks don't have the choice at all. I had written my directions down on a little piece of paper but somehow in the commotion with buying my ticket and putting my umbrella down, I lost it. I remembered the first part of my directions from the bus station and began walking.

The problem was I thought I needed to go to Pritchard Park when I really needed to go to Pack Square Park. At least I got the "P" right! I asked directions to Pritchard Park but when I arrived there was no rally there. People gave me directions to go to City Square Park so I headed there. On the way, I found the rally at Pack Square. The picture posted above is one from that rally. Michael met me there at the rally and we drove home together. I was beat for it was a long rally but I'm glad I went. It felt good to be around folks who are as angry as I am about the budget cuts and high unemployment.

I usually take a high intensity water aerobics class on Thursday mornings but I didn't want to have to concentrate on a teacher's directions or worry about colliding into someone. Instead I swam laps. I didn't have to think and I could swim as hard as I liked. It's just what I needed. When I returned home, I realized I had left my swimsuit at the Y. This meant going back for it instead of resting my brain which I really needed to do. When I finally returned home, I put in my ear plugs and rested my brain for a half hour.

I had some other things I wanted to do this afternoon but when I push it this hard, I usually need to take it easy for a while. So I wrote in my journal, meditated and am planning to do things that won't stress me out. It is a challenge to try to be involved in one's community when one has a TBI but I am trying to find ways to do this.

If you are a TBI survivor do you get over-stimulated easily? How do you work with it? Some folks simply cannot do as much as I do and I must admit that sometimes I push it too hard. Every TBI is different and we all have to do what works for us. See top right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com. I still can't respond to your comment here but I read all of them.

Hike

The top picture is from our hike yesterday at Craggie Pinnacle. We were too late to see the rhododendrons in bloom but it was fun anyway. It was foggy in the beginning so we couldn't see too far into the mountains. Here is a picture of Sparky and me. I'd put pants over my shorts because it was 50 degrees and I wore one of Michael's jackets to keep warm. I was excited because this was the first time I'd taken a hike where I didn't have to take my noon nap. (Jan. 24, 2011)

When we hiked the trail, I found myself getting overstimulated and wanting to put my earplugs in to "rest my brain." (Feb. 4, 2011) I'd forgotten that even though I no longer need this nap, I still get overstimulated. I'd wished that I had brought my ear plugs so that I could have "rested my brain" when we got to the top. I could have taken a picture with me wearing my earplugs! Ah well.

When we got back to our car, I put them in then until we arrived at our picnic spot. We arrived home at about 2 and I was tired. I decided not to take a nap but rather do some reading. Later, I put my ear plugs in for a planned ten minutes but I ended up sleeping for 45 minutes. I guess I still need to work with my over stimulation problem. It does make me angry to have to deal with it.

Do you have over stimulation issues now? How do you manage? See top right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com

Dividing my Attention

Before becoming a brain injury survivor, I never realized how difficult it is to filter out noise. When I'm in a room with many people talking and I'm trying to carry on a conversation with someone, I must be able to block out all the other voices. My brain was injured in such a way, I'm unable to do this now. I hear a blur of voices and am not able to hear the person trying to talk to me. I've learned to position myself in a room where I am in a corner and not in the middle of the room.

This sounds like a small thing but it's amazing the number of events I must attend where there is a large group of people talking all at once. My former church had a fellowship hall where folks gathered to talk after worship and I could never go there. At the time I had to take a nap after worship (see 1/24/11) so I couldn't go there anyway. I try to avoid these settings but sometimes it's just not possible.

Last Saturday my husband, Michael, was invited to a birthday gathering for a woman he knows. About 10 of us met for horsdoeuvres and jazz music at a local restaurant. It was a low key affair and I really wanted to attend. At first, the band played quietly in the background but even quietly was too loud for me. We sat at one long table and I had difficulty talking to those who talked to me because of the music and the other people talking at the far end of the table.

The music got louder so folks could dance but I can't stay in a situation like that for very long. I didn't see a place outside where I could sit quietly with my ear plugs in to rest my brain. We had to leave after 1 1/2 hours because I couldn't take it much longer. I felt bad since I knew Michael could have stayed longer and was having good conversations. I still don't know if I made the right decision in attending that night.

Even after all these years, trying to be active living with a brain injury is a challenge. I have to make choices and sometimes I'm not sure if I've made the right one! I guess I'm glad I have a choice since so many brain inury survivors do not.

If you are a brain injury survivor, how do you try and be active? How do you manage the many challenges? See above right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at tamara@indylink.org