"Overwhelming"

The title for Mark Ramsey's sermon at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church yesterday morning was "overwhelming." It definitely got my attention since I have such a problem with being overwhelmed.  This is really an issue for folks who are brain injury survivors. Over stimulation, cognitive overload, and mental fatigue are just a few words which describe our feeling of being overwhelmed.

This picture was printed in the bulletin and I loved the Call to Worship.  I enter the sanctuary from behind the organ to avoid the overwhelming situation when I join the processional with the choir so I usually miss this part of the service.  However, for some reason yesterday I stood back on the stairs where I could hear it.

O God, open us to the powerful winds of your Spirit.
Open our eyes to the wonders of your creation.
Open our senses to the smells of new life.
Open our ears to the words of justice and truth.
Open our mouths to the taste of freedom and love.
Open our arms to the embrace of peace.

I am trying to be open to the winds of God's Spirit but it is hard. In the past I thought being open to the Spirit meant getting involved in everything that came my way. This didn't work.  It only stressed me out and I wasn't good to anyone especially to God!  So when I moved to Asheville, I regrouped and didn't get involved in much of anything.  What happened?  I got bored.

Now I'm trying to balance things out. I'm beginning to think that folks stay busy because they are afraid to be seized by the Spirit.  It's easier to say "yes" to everything than it is to discern if something is what God is calling us to do.  I think this saying "yes" allows us to feel important.  But we miss out on so much of God's world when we do this!

 I'll never forget the hours I spent watching those baby robins hatch and grow until they were big enough to leave the nest. (see 5/13/12 post) I stopped what I had to do and watched. I opened my arms to God's embrace.

Mark said something in his sermon yesterday that made sense to me. "If we are going to do anything about the problems that beset us, we have to confront the problems honestly.  During an age of overwhelmedness, however, it is difficult to look at things honestly."

Sixteen years after sustaining my brain injury, I'm finally looking at things honestly.  I'm no longer pretending I remember someone's name when I don't, even after hearing it 125 times!  I'm no longer expecting to know my way when I'm going somewhere for the first time.  In fact,  I don't even expect to know my way after going there hundreds of times.  It doesn't mean I'm stupid.  It only means my brain was injured.  It's who I am now and I can't be someone I'm not, just to fit in.

I loved the way Mark referred to this past Sunday which was the  "Reign of Christ " Sunday.  He said, "Here, at the end of the church's year, we have a Sunday which we call the 'Reign of Christ.' Whether we can see it or NOT - we're supposed to celebrate "the Reign of Christ.'" 

"Yeah right", I wanted to shout. "Where in the world is Christ now?  People don't have any where to live and it's cold outside!  I'm tired of getting lost everywhere I go!  I want to work and earn my keep just like everyone else in this world!  And why are there so many people who have brain injuries who can barely get by on what little Social Security benefits they get?"  I look around and it doesn't seem like Christ reigns at all.

Mark pointed out that the book of Revelation is a story that arises out of a troubled church.  "You can almost see them there - a little band of Christians, surrounded in the pagan cities.  They seemed so small, so overwhelmed...Where on earth might one find HOPE for the future in such circumstances?" He reminded us that Revelation is known for its "sustained outburst of exuberant joy and praise.  The vision begins, not in despair - but in doxology, in praise, in cadences that scholars believe were derived in great part from some of the hymns of the early church."

He tells about the Wesley brothers and how they lived in the mid-18th century.  "The gin trade had led to huge problems with alcoholism....Child labor was the scourge of the land.  There was vast social dislocation and chaos.  Things seemed overwhelming."  Yet in spite of this, they wrote some of our most beloved hymns such as "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, and Love Divine, All Loves Excelling."

Mark suggests "if we really want to face our problems squarely, if we really want to stride into this new emerging world with confidence, the best thing we could do...is to sing.  Against all odds, when we join our voices together in some great hymn of praise, then you know - in the very depths of your being - that Jesus Christ reigns, that he shall rule until all things have been put under his feet, that the enemies of God will ultimately be defeated, that good will have the last word over evil, and tht all shall be well."

Singing and listening to music touches a place deep in my soul.  I really cannot explain it but every time I sing, play or listen to music,  I leave my body and spend time with God.  I've been listening to classical music every day for this purpose.  Today I listened to Bloch's Baal Shem Suite for violin and piano.  The first movement is Vidui (Contrition) which has a meditative quality.  When I hear it (and when I played it all those years ago) it felt like I was approaching God quietly, gently.

The second movement is Nigun (Improvisation) and that is where the music really soars.  Bloch expresses outgoing and uninhibited emotions here. When I listen, my spirit cries out to God "Why is there so much pain everywhere?  Where are You?  Don't you care?"  Finally comes the third movement, Simchas Torah (Rejoicing). It's as if God says to my spirit, "It's okay.  I know it's difficult some times but I am the center of all being.  Just hang on a little longer and rejoice in my creation!"    When I hear it (and when I played it) I felt God's joy and my own spirit sang.

John Wesley and the other great hymn writers felt it.  Ernest Bloch felt it.  When I listen, sing or play their music I feel it too.  Mark ends his sermon with these words: "Praise...is how we were created to live, even in the most unlikely times and places.  You cannot know that...unless you live just that way.  And then, you experience an overwhelming, utterly hopeful way to live....even to the end of the world.....Amen"        

Beach

Michael and I went to Myrtle Beach for a few days this week.  I think this is the best time to go since hotels are cheaper and we can take Sparky.  Pictured at left is Michael and Sparky as they romped on the beach.

I've never really understood the need for vacations.  Oh I like going places but traveling is difficult for me.  I do better when things are consistent which is why I like staying home.  I know where things are and I don't do well with anything unexpected. In fact, new information causes cognitive overload which makes me tired. I seem to have to "rest my brain" a lot which annoys me.  Michael convinced me that it would be good for me to get away from things for a few days so we went to the beach.

He was right. There is something about water that is healing to my spirit.  I enjoyed walking Sparky on the beach and wading in the water.  He's not a water dog but he likes anything new and different so he had a good time as well. It was fun watching him take a big drink of the ocean and end up with a mouth full of salt water!

However, I did have something on my mind that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head and as a result I used my Android to communicate with folks back in Asheville. It drove Michael a little bit nuts and at one point he got a little peeved with me.  He brought me back to my senses and I was able to put things aside.

The experience did get me thinking though.  I often get something on my mind and I need to deal with it right then.  I have a hard time putting something aside for later. I think sometimes I get too focused on something and then I suffer from mental fatigue because I'm thinking about it too much!

I had a phone meeting with my cognitive therapist last week and one thing she helped me with was coming up with a list of things I can do that are vital to my well being.  Among her suggestions were the following: "Be clear about my strengths and what I can offer. When I get stressed and stuck, put it down and do something else. Find my creative spirit on a regular basis."

The beach put me in touch with my creative spirit.  Also when I helped drive home, we listened to the Dvorak Cello concerto as well as some pieces by Ernest Bloch.  Music is a sure fire way to tap into my creative energy as well as the Spirit and  I must say, I do feel better today than before we went to the beach!          

Grass Trimmer

I had it out with the Grass Trimmer this morning.  I preached yesterday at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church and I have some thoughts about this that I will share later this week.  It always helps me to let things ruminate in my mind first before putting them down on paper.  But first, the grass trimmer.

I needed a new grass trimmer so Michael and I went to get one this weekend.  He has a friend knowledgeable about such things who suggested several different kinds, one being Echo. I've gone through two already so it was clear I needed a good one.  I really prefer an electric one since gas really does a number on the environment but this one was gas and after a few minutes thinking about it, I decided to get it.


This is a picture of the instruction manual.  Well it actually had two different manuals both in many different languages.  I figured out this was the one I needed. Now for the hard part: trying to understand them.

I don't follow written manuals very well when they have anything to do with mechanical things.  I've always had trouble using them but since my TBI, it is even worse. It especially is hard when I'm dealing with something I know nothing about, such as a grass trimmer.

It had the normal page with the parts labeled with numbers and then one went to a map to figure out what each part was.  I could never remember what each label meant so I had to keep turning the pages back and forth.  After figuring out how to switch it on, I had to read how to start the darn thing.

My electric one was easy to figure out.  I just pushed a button and it started.  Not so with this one.  It had a start switch, throttle trigger, choke, recoil starter and other things I didn't even need to start it.  The manual said to turn the switch on, pump bulb, pull throttle trigger, pull the recoil starter, hold the trigger and then it should start. The problem was, I then had to turn the page to find out what the labels meant since I always forgot.  Well, I think that's what it said.  In any case, it didn't start.  So I went to the manual again.

Actually I was trying to balance the manual on my lap while I was going through the instructions so I could look back at it.  You see I don't remember steps too things well.  If someone is around it is easier just to ask them to do it since they can usually remember the steps.  However, I was alone so I decided to ask Michael when he got home later today. I really wanted to do it this morning and I knew the last thing he would want to do when he got home from work was to figure out how to use a grass trimmer. Plus, I don't like depending on people so I tried to remember what's helped me in situations like this in the past.

That's when I thought about writing down the pertinent steps on a card.  (You can see the card in the picture above.)  It took me a while to do this because I had to wade through the directions and I kept forgetting what I had to do next.  But after following the directions on the card, I was able to start it.  I was so happy but it stopped once at the beginning which meant pulling out the card again.  After a couple of tries, I got it chugging.

However, when I was on the side of the house, it ran out of gas so I had to fill it up and start it again.  I could feel myself getting agitated so I took a few minutes break before I tried it again. In fact, due to mental fatigue, all the way through I took a breaks just to rest my brain.  I didn't bother with ear plugs but played around on Facebook for a few minutes. Just doing something else seems to help my brain rest so it can work better on the project. 

This whole process took me a long time to do. I think it takes folks who have disabilities much longer to do many things.  In our world, this can be problematic because everyone is so busy and wants to get things done quickly.  I think probably too busy, but that's another story!  This is definitely a place where people who have disabilities can teach those without, how to live a much richer life. 

Transformation

Yesterday at Circle of Mercy Mahan Siler preached a sermon titled When the Power Goes Out. I must say I could really relate to it.  He spoke about powerlessness and how this drives us to prayer.

In his sermon last night Mahan reminded us of I Corinthians 12:7 where Paul writes about the "thorn in his side." I know that no one knows exactly what this thorn was but I feel my brain injury is the "thorn in my side."  I have never asked God to take my brain injury away as Paul appears to have done with his thorn but it does feel a bit like a thorn.

I have a Presbytery meeting tomorrow and I thought it was at a different place.  Since I don't need to take my nap anymore, I decided not to figure out how to do this during the meeting.   I figured I could find a room somewhere at the church, put in my ear plugs and "rest my brain" for a few minutes. 

 However, I realized over the weekend that the meeting is in an unfamiliar place.  Since I don't do well with the unexpected, I needed to figure out how to deal with my over stimulation.  So I called and got directions to where I could go for a break.  I need to be prepared for when my spatial orientation stuff kicks in and I have that "flighty" feeling.  I can deal with it much better if I think about it happening before it really does happen.

So everything is all set.  The problem is, I worry about all the little things that might happen.  Will I be able to get to the meeting okay after taking Sparky to "Doggie Daycare?"  Will I get overstimulated and have to find a place to "rest my brain?" Will I have difficulty finding my car after the meeting is over?  I've decided to pack a lunch and will eat in a quiet room somewhere to get out of the stimulation.  I saw the button pictured below today and it struck a nerve.

I'm afraid I worry too much about what people think about me. My cognitive therapist reminded me that folks have so much on their minds already, they probably don't even think about me at all!

At the risk of doing the "proof text" thing, I did rediscover Romans 12:2 today.  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect." 

It doesn't matter what the world thinks of me.  I pray that my mind will be transformed into being what God calls me to be and not what God calls others to be.  Sometimes when I see all the other ministers (teaching elders) and elders (ruling elders) I feel bad since I cannot do as much as they can.  Our society is so "do" oriented which leaves those of us who are unable to do as much, behind.  Yet,  I think God really isn't interested in how much each of us does but rather in how we relate to God and the world around us. 

Gracious God, transform me!  I cannot do it myself even though I too often try.  Amen     

One wild and Precious Life.

At the Good Friday service at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, one of the speakers read from "The Summer day" a poem by Mary Oliver  It really stuck with me and if you want to read it here's the link: http://www.loc.gov/poetry/180/133.html .  I had heard it before but hearing it then was just the right time.  She wrote, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

I had one of those long, drawn out Presbytery meetings today.  They are always difficult for me and since our Presbytery is stretched out so far geographically, I've made the choice to attend only the ones I can drive to on my own.  This means I only attend perhaps two out of four each year.  This one was particularly difficult because there was an issue before the Presbytery with which I felt rather strongly . I decided this past weekend to write a short statement and speak today.

It almost felt as if God was giving me the words to say.  I didn't want to speak there because it stresses me out terribly. Yet, I couldn't ignore that pull inside of me.  So I wrote something.  The words came which was great.  I practiced it a little bit because I'm not one of those preachers who can preach without practicing.  I knew that my words weren't really supposed to be a sermon but I thought I would say them anyway.

I chose to wear moon earrings that a friend of mine made for me because the image of the moon always gives me strength.  I don't as a rule wear dangle earrings whenever I speak but I decided this time, I needed anything that would remind me to stay calm.

The day started out with me taking Sparky to Doggie Daycare.  It's a new location so I had to use my GPS.  I then saw the highway was backed up going back so I decided to try going to the meeting a different way.  My GPS took me the long way but I got there to the meeting just fine.  When I arrived, I had to "rest my brain" by putting in my ear plugs and sitting in the car for a few minutes.  Driving even more than 40 minutes tires me out.

So when I felt ready to enter the building I did.  As usual, it was crowded and noisy.  I don't do well in those environments but I managed to get through it.  I sat in the front so I could concentrate on the proceedings.  What I didn't bargain for, was the moderator's lack of moderating skills.  She kept confusing Roberts Rules of Orders and seemed unsure.  I know I wouldn't want to try and moderate this group.  I was nervous enough just by speaking for 1 1/2 minutes! I felt for her because she's was called to a very difficult job and I know this only too well.  However, folks stepped forward to help her and in the end, it worked out.  God truyly is a great God!

Never the less, I found myself getting angry inside at all the shenanigans.  The only thing I could think of to do was to step out for a few minutes, put in my ear plugs and "rest my brain"  So that is what I did.  I've stopped worrying what folks think of me when they see me sitting in a corner somewhere with my eyes closed and my ear plugs in.  I returned to the meeting when my emotions were better under control.

What did I find when I returned?  The same stuff!  Again, I lasted as long as I could but I decided I'd better just get out of there and come back after lunch.  So I went to my car, put the seat back and rested for a few minutes.  I pulled out my Android and my lunch and munched happily away.

I did, however, remember that Bills and Overtures had said anyone who wanted to speak about one of the overtures, could meet with them.  I decided this was a good thing for me to do.  Shoot, I had spent time writing my little speech and I wanted to say it!  I think God was with me because I was able to locate folks who knew where the committee was meeting so I went there.  I was early so again, I put in my ear plugs, closed my eyes and rested my brain in the quiet room.

After saying my little spiel and then hearing everyone's comments at the meeting, I changed my view on the amendment. I had written my little spiel in favor of the overture so I adjusted it a little.  I then went back to the meeting in progress.  This time I sat in the back of the auditorium so I could freely roll my eyes.  I figured I would speak if I felt the spirit moving inside.  If not, I wouldn't.

A funny thing happened.  I acted like a lot of ministers at Presbytery meetings. I think they talk just so they can hear themselves talk!  I wanted to say my little spiel even though I didn't think it would change anyone's mind.  So when the time came, I spoke.  It went fine like it always is when I speak.  I had gone through all my anxiety for what amounted to nothing.

After the meeting, I struggled with my feelings.  Did I really hear God moving in my spirit and telling me to speak or was I only hearing my own voice?  On the way out, I shared my concerns with a minister friend and she said something interesting.  She alluded to her Quaker siblings and how they are always talking about feeling God's Spirit within them.  Perhaps God was moving in a way that I didn't yet understand.

I've thought about her words often since the meeting.  Did I misunderstand God's voice?  I've come to the conclusion now that I did not.  Michael and I are doing several presentations on brain injury to law enforcement professionals as well as some other folks.  We've done two and I was a nervous wreck for the first one.  It's funny because Michael is doing the bulk of it and  I'm only adding my personal survivor stories. He should be the one filled with anxiety! The first one went well and we were asked to do another.  I stressed over this one a little less than the first.  So now we are going to do a third one on May 1. 

This experience today, helped me see that I still can speak.  Oh, I can't remember the words as well and I worry that I'm going to mess up but so far, it's been okay. The same with the brain injury presentations.

 So what am I going to do with my one, wild and precious life?  I'm not going to waste it by being filled with anxiety!  Tomorrow I was supposed to deliver vegetables from GCPC's garden to a friend who has a low income and cannot afford to buy them.  Instead, I made the necessary calls and someone has agreed to do it for me. So I plan to drink good coffee, write in my journal and read the New York Times.  I might even work out in the yard! So I'm going to still be responsible but I'm going to enjoy this life God has given me.  After all, this is the only life I have and I don't want to waste it.

Service

This morning I worked out in the yard. After only an hour, I was ready to quit. I took a break by throwing a ball for my dog and then I worked some more. I didn't work much more and I was a bit frustrated because I still had things to do outside. While the break certainly helped, I was reminded again how little I can do at one time.

I think the term is called "mental fatigue." I have to keep switching my activities or my brain just shuts off. I haven't worked with this a lot lately so I forgot how little I can do at one time. My workaholism is getting in the way as well because I remember all the many things I did before. Of course this wasn't healthy for me and eventualy it would have burned me out. A neuropsychologist I once had, tried to help me see that my value isn't in what I do but in who I am. I still can't seem to get this into my head.

It's complicated for Christians, however, because I believe everyone is called to serve in some way. Perhaps I need to let go of how I view the word "serve." It doesn't necessarily mean teaching a class, chairing a committee or participating in a meeting. It simply means helping the world and the people around me in any way I can. I do have opportunites now to listen to people in ways I couldn't do before.

Perhaps I'll spend some time paying attention to this instead of bemoaning how I can't work as long as I could before. I want to think about all the little ways I can serve instead of the big ways. I believe these things are more important to God anyway.

Now that you have a brain injury, how do you serve others and the world around you? Do you feel you are unimportant or unnecessary now? Feel free to comment by following the directions on the top right or email me directly at puffer61@gmail.com