Holy Anticipation

Last night I had to be at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church for an alto rehearsal at 6 :15.  Ever since my accident, I don't see well in the dark.  I don't know exactly why this is or what happened to injure my eyes but something did.  As a result, I don't drive at night which is a real pain in the neck.  I couldn't find anyone to take me so I decided to take the bus.  I only needed to get it about an hour before I needed to be there so I figured it would be okay.

Of course I worried about it.  "What if I get on the wrong bus?  What if I pull the string to signal the driver to stop at the wrong place? What if I look like a jerk because I'm not familiar with the route?"  It's interesting because Mark Ramsey's sermon at GCPC this past Sunday was about Mary's song and it was called "What We Do While We Wait.....We Worry."  (The picture is "Magnificat!" by Sister Mary Grace Thul and was printed in the bulletin.)

We had an email exchange about parts of it yesterday before my bus trip.  I was especially bothered by one of his statements in the sermon: "...we find that anxiety has, by God's grace, become holy anticipation and against all appearances, and against all odds ---that literally saves our life." It's funny but when I reframed my worry this way, I wasn't so stressed.  By the time I was ready to go, I was okay. I think perhaps God's Spirit was at work.

I met my friend, Donnie, on the bus.  Donnie was homeless and he recently moved into an apartment.  He knew everyone on the bus which helped folks to begin talking to each other.  I discovered another woman was concerned about getting her connection as well.  When we got to the station, it was just in time for me to catch my bus.  However, I didn't know which one it was and by the time I figured it out, it had pulled out.  I ran after it screaming, "Wait!  Wait!"  A family with two young children were nearby waiting for their bus and they told me that once the driver closes the door it's not opened again. 

So I went into the bus station to try and figure out if another bus was going to come.  The guard sitting behind the information booth ignored my questions so I turned around and asked the other riders.  I was told another bus would come in about a half hour and I could wait.  I looked at my watch and saw I had 35 minutes until rehearsal began.  I said, "Shoot, I bet I could walk there faster!"  Another woman nodded and said, "Yep you could." 

I had no idea how far on Merrimon GCPC was but I figured I'm in good physical condition and it couldn't be too far so that's what I decided to do.  My first problem was trying to figure out how to get to Merrimon from the bus station.  Folks pointed me the right way but my spatial orientation issues got me all confused.  I asked several folks how to get there but I didn't write what they said down and I ended up walking all over downtown.

By the time I finally figured out where Merrimon was it was dark and I had only 15 minutes before the rehearsal began.  I thought about going back to the bus station to catch that bus but I wasn't sure how to get back to it.  So I trudged on in the dark. I considered stopping at one of the bus stops and waiting for the bus, but I do hate being in darkness outside like that. After a few feet, it is total darkness and it's a bit scary not knowing what is out there so I decided walking was the better option. 

It always helps me to think of a saying or a Scripture verse when I'm stressed out inside.  I thought back to Mark's sermon and tried to come up with that phrase that calmed me down before but all I could come up with was "holy *********!  I decided that wasn't the right phrase and walked on.

When I got to the McDonalds next to the church, the bus passed me.  When I arrived at the rehearsal I was a sweaty mess and was panting too hard to sing a note. Since my brain can handle only so much stimulation and my little journey began at 5 o'clock, by 7:45 I could tell I needed to "rest my brain."   One of the rest rooms has a couch so I went there, put in my ear plugs and turned out the light for a few minutes.  

I am thankful that God gives me, and others, the strength we need to live in our challenging, wonderful world.  


 

Prison Cell

"A Prison cell, in which one waits, hopes...and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent" - Dietrich Bonhoffer

The bulletin for this past Sunday's worship service at Grace Covenant Presbyterian (GCPC) had the above rather odd quote on the front. Now that I'm singing in the choir, I often don't have time to read the bulletin until later and when I read this I thought, "Advent and prison?  What could they possibly have in common?"  However, when I read it later, I understood.

I've been in a lot of prisons in my life.  I don't mean when I visited someone on death row in Georgia which I did in the 90's.  I mean prisons of my own, and sometimes the world's, making.  My traumatic brain injury has been my latest prison.  It seems when I look at other people and see all the things they are able to do and I can't, I'm in prison.  Dammit, I think.  (and yes, I sometimes use this cuss word.) Why am I stuck behind these bars!  I want to be free! 

In the beginning, I waited for freedom.  I tried a couple of different volunteer positions that didn't work out until I finally began volunteering as a Chaplain at a retirement facility in Atlanta.  I figured it was just until I improved enough to serve a church again.  The prison door opened for a little while.  Years past and the door began to close because I knew I wouldn't be able to work in a church again.  To make matters even worse, my husband Michael took a job in Asheville, NC so we had to move.

Change is horrible for anyone with a brain injury.  We like things constant and we don't do well with new things.  This is getting better for me now but back then it really threw me.  I decided to not get involved in anything here until I became more accustomed to the city.   After experiencing the closed prison doors in Atlanta, I came to a new place where I had to learn everything all over again.  I don't even like to think about how lost I always was when we first moved here (spatial orientation) but the prison doors had opened.

I tried two more volunteer positions here. It seems when one has a brain injury, one must be willing to try different things for often things don't work the first time.  That is certainly the case with me. Both positions were okay but I felt the prison doors shutting again.  I wanted so much to be like everyone else.  I wanted to work and pay my own way in the world.   I finally began doing some visitation at one of my churches and the prison doors opened again. I do love this and plan to continue but  recently, I have felt the prison doors slowly closing again.

God opened those doors for me  in the past and I believe She will open them again. So this Advent, I am waiting for God's Spirit to let in some sunlight.  Truth be told, I'm already feeling it.  Come Lord Jesus come.  I'm waiting for you to open the doors again.

Note: At GCPC there is often the following note in the bulletin" "We gather to worship God who is larger than all our imagination!  We encourage all persons to sing the gender nouns and pronouns they prefer in referring to God." I never use pronouns for God when I'm speaking in public because unlike the biblical writers, I believe God has no gender.  I know that some folks don't like female pronouns for God but I figure since this is my blog, it is my perogative to use them.

Light of the World

This picture is a National Geographic image that was modified to contain all the seasons of the year.  I like it because it contains the moon AND the sun - two images that are important to my faith.  The moon reminds me that even in the darkness, God is there.  The sun reminds me of Jesus words in John 9:5 " As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world."  Even though he is no longer in the world, I believe the Spirit who Jesus left with us,  is the light of the world.

I needed both images this morning because it seems everything went wrong.  I had a Presbytery meeting today so I dropped my dog off at the doggie daycare place before heading to the meeting.  Due to my spatial orientation issues, I got confused leaving and ended up driving the wrong way on the highway.  It wasn't as simple as just driving the wrong way but I got on the wrong highway and then couldn't figure out how to get back to where I was supposed to go.  I didn't use my GPS because I had read an article in the New York Times about how these sorts of time savers are causing people to use less neurons in our brains so we're losing brain power.  I figured since I had been there before and since I had what I thought were good directions, I'd be okay.

When will I ever learn not to take risks when it involves directions to anywhere?  The article was about folks who do not have a brain injury and therefore it didn't apply to me.  Like it or not, my brain injury changes everything about how I function in the world so I got major lost.  When I finally figured out where I was after about 45 minutes, I was experiencing cognitive overload.  I decided to stop at a gas station, get some gas and calm myself down. 

I've learned to make choices based on their costs. The cost of going to the meeting was, I would be exhausted and have no energy tomorrow.  Since  tomorrow I have a dinner meeting where I need to have as many of my mental faculties as possible, I decided I would just go home and skip today's meeting. My over responsible self began thinking, "I'm a member of Presbytery and I didn't get an excused absence and it's close enough for me to attend so I should attend."   However, my good judgement kicked in and since I had no responsibility at the meeting and going would mean I wouldn't be cognitively present for my meeting tomorrow, I decided to return home.

Having a brain injury means I can't do it all or even do all that is expected of me. I think I do expect too much of myself though. It is hard but I suspect it is hard for anyone whether they have a brain injury or not.  In our society expectations run very high.  Having a brain injury is helping me see how our expectations are often too high for everyone.  God doesn't ask or expect this of any of us.

I'm glad I saw this picture of the moon and sun today for it reminds me not to be so hard on myself.  This is a tall order but it is one I hope with God's help, I'll fulfill.  

   

Beach

Michael and I went to Myrtle Beach for a few days this week.  I think this is the best time to go since hotels are cheaper and we can take Sparky.  Pictured at left is Michael and Sparky as they romped on the beach.

I've never really understood the need for vacations.  Oh I like going places but traveling is difficult for me.  I do better when things are consistent which is why I like staying home.  I know where things are and I don't do well with anything unexpected. In fact, new information causes cognitive overload which makes me tired. I seem to have to "rest my brain" a lot which annoys me.  Michael convinced me that it would be good for me to get away from things for a few days so we went to the beach.

He was right. There is something about water that is healing to my spirit.  I enjoyed walking Sparky on the beach and wading in the water.  He's not a water dog but he likes anything new and different so he had a good time as well. It was fun watching him take a big drink of the ocean and end up with a mouth full of salt water!

However, I did have something on my mind that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head and as a result I used my Android to communicate with folks back in Asheville. It drove Michael a little bit nuts and at one point he got a little peeved with me.  He brought me back to my senses and I was able to put things aside.

The experience did get me thinking though.  I often get something on my mind and I need to deal with it right then.  I have a hard time putting something aside for later. I think sometimes I get too focused on something and then I suffer from mental fatigue because I'm thinking about it too much!

I had a phone meeting with my cognitive therapist last week and one thing she helped me with was coming up with a list of things I can do that are vital to my well being.  Among her suggestions were the following: "Be clear about my strengths and what I can offer. When I get stressed and stuck, put it down and do something else. Find my creative spirit on a regular basis."

The beach put me in touch with my creative spirit.  Also when I helped drive home, we listened to the Dvorak Cello concerto as well as some pieces by Ernest Bloch.  Music is a sure fire way to tap into my creative energy as well as the Spirit and  I must say, I do feel better today than before we went to the beach!          

Future

After I swam at the Y this morning, I stopped at Earthfare to pick up seltzer water.  After shopping, I always have difficulty finding my car.  (spatial orientation)  It's become natural for me to always find some sort of landmark on the row where I park and then look for that landmark when I return.  If it's a complicated parking situation, I usually have to write down the landmark or I won't remember it. 

However, this morning I noticed how simple it was for me to do this.  Many years ago, this wasn't so simple and I often couldn't find my car in a small parking lot.  I mentally patted myself on the back for how much I have grown.

I'm glad this happened today because I've been remembering what I could do before my accident and feeling a bit melancholy about this. Whenever someone experiences a deep loss, the sad feelings never go away.  They get more muted and appear less often but they'll always hurt. I used to get a bit angry about this.  "My TBI happened in 1996!  Surely the pain of that will go away."     

Today I read Romans 8:26-27.  I like the Inclusive Bible here: "The Spirit, too, comes to help us in our weakness.  For we don't know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit expresses our plea with groanings too deep for words.  And God, who knows everything in our hearts, knows perfectly well what the Spirit is saying, because her intercessions for God's holy people are made according to the mind of God."

I don't know how to pray about my feelings around my losses but Paul's words remind me, that's okay. I need to stop and make sure I let the Spirit flow through me.  She knows what I cannot express and will help me find a way to express it. I only need to accept the richness that is my life. I still cannot thank God for my brain injury but I will stay open to what is in the future. My shopping trip this morning reminded me how far I have come.  Who knows what the future holds?