God's Wisdom

I read a quote from Susan B. Anthony today. "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."  I really hope that I am following what God wants me to do and not only what I want.

It bothers me that I can no longer work as a minister but I still try to serve God as I can.  I used to be able to keep so much information in my head!  I was always running from one meeting to another and trying to be involved in many things.  Neurons in my brain were destroyed when I had my car accident and the neurons I have left, must work harder so being busy like that is no longer possible.

In fact things that most folks don't even think about are difficult for me. Luncheons, meetings and driving somewhere new involves quite a bit of my brain function.  I have to attend to conversations while filtering out background noise and lights which really is more complicated than I realized. For this reason, I don't do meetings or luncheons unless I believe they are absolutely necessary.    

Now it is a major thing when I go somewhere new.  This past week, there was a luncheon at a country club I really wanted to attend.  My husband Michael is really good with directions and I often rely on him for these. I know it drives him crazy when I ask him for directions all the time so I've tried to depend on my GPS or even ask other people. I also  keep a folder with all my directions in it so I check this as well. 

However sometimes my own worries get in the way of my good sense. That's what happened this week.  To make it worse, Michael had a stressful week so he didn't have much patience.  I was frantically trying to find a map (It doesn't take much for me to get frantic anymore!) and so I asked him.  He became angry at me and then I lost it.  I slammed our front door as I went outside to his car to find it. I slammed the car door after I located it and for good measure, I slammed the door coming in. I can laugh at it now but it really was childish.  I have discovered that I seem to do more childish things now than before sustaining my brain injury.

While overwhelming, I really feel the things I did this week were what God wanted me to do. I know it pushed my limits and I plan to take it easy for a few days.  I pray that God will give me the wisdom to know if my thoughts are true or if I'm really fulfilling my own desires. 

HOPE to HOME

A year ago, I began serving on a team of people from three different faith communities helping a formerly homeless man named Bill, as he transitioned into housing. The picture on the left was taken at our final dinner of the year. (Two other members were not able to attend.) HOPE to HOME is a new program here in Asheville which is based on a more national model and I served on one of the first two pilot teams here.  The program has grown to the point where there are now ten teams with the hope it will grow even larger.

One of the main reasons folks become homeless is because they lack a support system.  If I lost my disability benefits and my husband died, I would definitely be in trouble.  However, I have family and friends who would help me so I wouldn't have to live on the street. Many homeless folks do not have this type of support.  Homeward Bound, an agency here in Asheville, works to help people get into permanent housing.  The HOPE to HOME program supports their work by expanding on what they already do.

When I first got involved in the program, I wasn't sure how much help I'd be.  My spatial orientation issues made taking Bill places difficult for me unless he is able to direct me.  I'm not much of a cook and my dog is pretty exuberant (I'm working on teaching him not to jump all over people when they come over) so inviting him over for dinner wasn't an option.  I had hoped he would be able to work in the garden  with me at GCPC since he is a gardener but his health difficulties prevented this.  Due to these challenges, I was not able to support him as much as I'd hoped.

Yes, I did help Bill this year and it gave me a human face to put on poverty. During our last dinner, the director of the program led us in a debriefing exercise. We each were asked to select one questions from a hat.  Some of these questions were: What did you learn that you didn't know before? Has your view on homelessness changed?  What did HOPE to HOME teach you about yourself? What's the greatest accomplishment of the past year?

I grew from this experience as I think we all did in different ways.  Although every member of the group was not a Christian, the  Christian image of the body of Christ comes to mind.  I didn't take Bill to many of his appointments and I didn't help mend his clothes.  Yet I was part of the body.  I offered my caring and sensitive attitude and this was enough.

Prior to my brain injury, perhaps I would have been able to keep track of all Bill's doctor's appointments or take him where he needed to go without having to use a GPS. (Well, maybe not.  I've never had a good sense of direction) Yet I was part of a team where each person had different gifts.  We all worked together like the body of Christ.  This is something I am still trying to learn.  I can't do everything.  In fact I may be able to do only a little part now but every part is important in the body of Christ.  Even if it's just the big toe.   

GPS

There was an article in the Feb. 5 issue of the New York Times about using GPS devices.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/opinion/sunday/is-gps-all-in-our-head.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Is%20GPS%20All%20in%20Our%20Heads?%20Julia%20Frankenstein&st=cse  Julia Frankenstein  is a psychologist and begins the article by suggesting that folks probably ask themselves,  "What did we ever do before GPS?"   She suggests we stop using them for when  we do, we don't work our brains.  She writes, "The psychologist Eleanor A. Maguire and her colleagues at University College London found that spatial experience actually changes brain structures.  As taxi drivers learned the spatial layout of London,... the areas of the brain integrating spatial memories - increased."

 On many of my driving excursions, I use a GPS.  Since I have no spatial orientation at all, this helps me.  However, the way I learn new information is through "errorless learning." ( Jan. 18, 2011) Prior to owning a GPS, I always wrote down directions and used them every time. I used them less and less until I felt confident.  Then I stopped using them completely. .  Every time I drive from the the doggie daycare to the Y, I use my GPS but yesterday I decided not to use it.  I got there just fine but I did have to pay attention to my surroundings instead of listening to a voice telling me where to turn. I was working the neurons in my brain which is what must be done to strengthen them.

This commentary reminded me to, as my husband says ,"be mindful of the tension between using compensatory strategies versus exercising our brains to learn new info."  This is a tough balance for me especially with spatial orientation issues.  Prior to my TBI, my sense-of-direction was poor and  I was always lost.  However, the feeling is different now.  I become upset and enter into a trance-like state.  I've  learned to take a few deep breaths and stop to get myself together but it is a horrible feeling.  I almost always have written directions when I use the GPS.  However , this article reminded me that I need to push myself away from using the GPS.  

Gabby Giffords

Gabby Giffords squelched all talk about whether she would run again for another term in Congress by resigning this week. I must say, I am not at all surprised. A part of me was fearful that she would run again for lack of awareness is very common for TBI survivors. I thought I could go back to full time ministry and figured I would be able to do this after resigning as an associate pastor. I volunteered as a chaplain at a retirement center thinking eventually I would go back to full time ministry. After doing this for several years, it became clear to me this wasn't going to happen.

She has received much attention in the press. I can't imagine having to deal with the challenges of TBI while being so much in the public eye. I would love to see her recover to the point where she could work as a congressperson again but I really doubt that will happen. I remember my TBI therapists tried to steer me away from ministry but I wouldn't listen. I was convinced I would be back.

I think I am ultra sensitive to any talk about working as I did before. I want Gabby to go back to Congress while at the same time, I would be jealous if she did. Thoughts would probably flood my mind. "Why did God let her go back to what she loved, but didn't allow me to return as a minister? What is wrong with me? Did I not try hard enough?" Today I just have to tell myself to stop thinking this way. It serves no purpose and I only feel worse when I do.

I looked at that "Welcome to Holland" piece again. (Feb. 9, 2011) It helps me see the things I have gained among the losses and how the pain of this is never going to go away. I'm also reminded that in many ways, I've become stronger. Gabby and other brain injury survivors in the public eye are helping folks become more aware of this injury and that's a good thing. Every brain injury is different and just because someone else can return to what they did before, doesn't mean everyone can. (And if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't know a single survivor with an injury as severe as mine, who has been able to return to the job they had before.)

Today a friend gave me a wonderful gift. She made some moon earrings for me to wear. Moons are a powerful symbol for me and I will wear them as a reminder of the moon which shines brightly in the dark sky despite everything.

What are your thoughts about Gabby Giffords? If you are a survivor, what has changed for you and what has if anything, remained the same or gotten better? See top right for commenting instructions.

Errorless Learning

First Presbyterian Church in Asheville opens there fellowship hall on Saturday afternoons for what they call "Saturday Sanctuary." During the winter months no homelessness services are provided so this program offers a place to come out of the cold. The program began in a small building behind the main chruch but it grew making that room too small so now they open their fellowship hall. This space is much larger which makes it easier for me. Clean-up of the smaller space took much less time but in spite of the added time for clean-up, I think it is much more hospitable.

However, it is not a good environment for someone with a brain injury. It was especially difficult for me in the smaller room since all the noise provided several challenges for me: dividing attention, cognitive overload, over stimulation: to name a few. However I have a real interest in issues around homelessness so I decided since the shifts were only two hours, I would try it.

There have been times when it is boring. I try to talk with folks but often no one wanted to converse so I just stood around until it was time for clean-up. This past Saturday, I made a point to try and play a game with some folks. I wanted to play Jenga but I couldn't find anyone who wanted to play. Instead, folks wanted to play dominoes which I have never played so I thought I'd learn.

I forgot about all the challenges of trying to learn in this environment. Our table was close to the television where people watched a movie. Since I'm not able to divide my attention, trying to block it out was impossible. I thought about asking if the other folks wanted to move away from the sound but I wasn't sure I could get the hang of dominoes and didn't want them to go to all that trouble.

I learned that dominoes involves adding. I did not excel at math prior to my brain injury but now trying to add anything is just plain embarrassing. I have to use an Android application to help me figure out a tip for restaurant meals and my restaurant tabs are usually pretty low. I use compensatory strategies such as a calculator or my Android app but I thought it would look pretty silly for me to pull out a calculator to play dominoes!

I think dominoes is a fairly simple game and if I was in a quiet place with lots of explanation, I'm sure I could learn . Learning new information is very difficult for someone with a brain injury. The best way to learn new information is called "errorless learning." For example, if I'm trying to learn how to do something on this blog, I'll write down the directions and then follow them over and over again. After several times, I might try to do part of it without the directions.

"Trial and error" learning does not work for brain injury survivors. Errors confuse the learning process and only frustrates the person. "Errorless learning" may seem odd but it really does work. I will quit trying after only a few times which is why "trial and error" does not work. . In fact, I posted the rainbow at the top of the page without using my directions at all. I'm working at trying to find the directions for posting pictures somewhere else in the blog but for now they will all be at the top.

If you have a brain injury, do you use "errorless learning" to learn new information? See top right for commenting instructions. I tried to see if I could post a comment and I was able to do so. My problem now is, I don't know how to delete my comment!

Stop!

I'm doing it again. I'm overwhelmed with too many thoughts about too many things. I have to learn that I cannot be involved in as much now or when I get involved, I can't expect to "save the world." God doesn't expect this of me but rather to do only what I can. I don't have to do it all.

I remember at a session with my cognitive therapist, she reminded me that sometimes I just have to say to myself loud and clear, "stop." Right now many ideas and thoughts are darting through my mind about the Occupy movement here in Asheville and I must realize that it is not a good environment for someone who has a brain injury. I need structure and it is very unstructured. I can choose to leave it but I'm not ready to do this yet. I am in some discussions with folks in the movement about this so hopefully something will come out if them. I do need to stop thinking about it so much. It only stresses me out which makes it difficult for me to function.

The other thing I need to do is set boundaries. I have an Occupy folder so I can put things in there, close it and forget about it. As I was writing this post, someone from Occupy returned my call. There is a Facebook page for the movement that contains a lot of drama. I'm on it a lot since I've not been able to do a whole lot else. The person understood my concerns and seems to know many folks in the movement. I think he can help me plug in.

My conversation with him reminded me of another one I had with someone else really involved in the movement. I came away from that one feeling as I feel now. There are some good organizers in the group and they're staying out of all the drama that is Occupy Asheville. I need to stop thinking about the drama and just get down to business. I'll be a lot happier.

A New Year

A new year has begun and I can't seem to get myself going. I managed to block out the commercialized Christmas season by having a nice quiet Christmas at home. Circle of Mercy had a live nativity scene at a farm of some of the members which was a wonderful event. I then went to worship on Christmas day along with a few other people. Having Christmas on Sunday means a lot of people stay home!

I did feel sort of out-of-it since I don't have the family Christmas events that everyone else seems to have. You know something? That's okay with me especially since I don't like large gatherings (cognitive overload) and I realized that there are lots of people who don't have these sorts of events. The message we hear from our world is that something is wrong with us if we don't celebrate the way everyone else does. I ignored these messages and had a nice Christmas season anyway.

Now it is the New Year and I think I need to push myself since I don't feel like doing anything. (initiation) This is one of the problems with not working because it is easy to sit around drinking coffee and reading the New York Times. I always feel better when I push through these feelings so this is what I'm trying to do.

There's a picture of a moon at the top of this page. (I don't know how to crop it) Moons and rainbows have always meant a lot to me when I am in the darkness. A moon reminds me there is light within even when my life seems dark and dreary. I used to have a pair of moon earrings that I would wear to remind me of this spirit. For the time being, the picture above can help me remember.

Are there times when you feel particularly blue? How do you manage this? Commenting instructions are on the top right. Please remember that due to a computer glitch, I'm unable to comment here so if you would like a response email me at puffer61@gmail.com