The Angel Gabriel

This past Sunday at Grace Covenant, Mark Ramsey preached a sermon about Gabriel and how he came to Mary that affected me greatly. (Luke 1:26-38) It was called Nothing and you can read it here: http://storage.cloversites.com/gracecovenantpresbyterianchurch1/documents/sr-18dec11-alt.pdf
Of course listening to a sermon is always better so if you have time, go to http://www.gcpcusa.org/ and click on the section called "sermons/evotionals" where you can launch the media player.

I remember sitting in the pew listening to him repeat Gabriel's words over and over again, "nothing is impossible with God." He included present day situations such as a single parent struggling with poverty and someone struggling with a health problem, before repeating those words. I wanted to scream right there, "But what about a TBI survivor who can no longer walk and talk? What about a survivor who has difficulty controlling his or her emotions? What about the survivor who wants to work but never will again?"

I thought back to the time when we were doing a demonstration in front of my church in Atlanta when a man with a TBI lost his temper. He began running after a motorist screaming at the top of his lungs. This man used to be mild mannered and would never have done this before. I'm fairly mild mannered myself but my fuse is much shorter now. I remember several times losing my temper and throwing something across the room in anger.

Having a short fuse is a huge issue for survivors. I've learned how to put something down and go back to it later when I've calmed down. Sometimes I can't do this or my temper rises too quickly for me to catch it. When I get to this point there is no turning back. One cannot reason with a survivor in this situation. All one can do is make sure he or she is safe and let the anger run its course. You can talk about it later but not then. God has helped me learn to deal with this challenge and I usually catch it. I was mad after Mark's sermon and in my anger, I blocked out a whole lot of what he said before Gabriel's words. I did have the presence of mind to talk about my concerns with him and read his sermon later.

After re-reading it, I see how much I missed. He shared a suggestion by Sam Wells, Dean of the Chapel at Duke. Wells suggested we find someone to have a conversation with regarding the following questions: "Tell me about the ways in which you are rich. Tell me about the ways in which you are poor. Let me tell you about the ways in which I am rich. Let me tell you about the ways I am poor." As we do this, we are using Mary's song as a basis for conversation.

I had a WNC Brain Injury Network meeting this week and I knew several people there believed that "nothing is impossible with God." They walk now only because of God's power and strength. Instead of getting angry inside because I know lots of people who are loved by God who cannot walk, I considered the questions above. As each person spoke, I heard the answers indirectly and my anger dissapated. Brain injury had made us all rich and poor together. We may disagree on how God works in us but we're still connected by similar adversities.

In an email to me, Mark wrote, "I don't think the promises of scripture ("Nothing will be impossible...) are intended to be, necessarily, results-oriented or a cause -and-effect construct. I think they build imagination in us to stay connected with God through good and bad times....But I at least want some places in our life and faith - and Christmas seems like one of them - where we can give full throated expression to the boldly audacious claims of God through scripture without footnote or qualifiers. Anyway, that was the aim Sunday."

Speaking for myself, I'm not sure how successful Mark was with this aim. However, he did cause me to dig deeply into my own beliefs and to try and understand folks who's beliefs are different from mine. In the world of brain injury , this has been a bit of a struggle for me. Sometimes though, I must look at a person's deep poverty and riches and be willing to share mine. This deep understanding of each other is what is possible with God. So perhaps Mark did achieve his aim afterall.

Do you have a quick temper now? How do you manage it? What do you think of Gabriel's words, "nothing is impossible with God?" See above right for commenting instructions. Know that due to a computer glitch, I'm unable to comment here so if you want a response my email is puffer61@gmail.com

Homeless Remembrance and Cookies

Today there was a Homeless Remembrance service at the Haywood Street Congregation. The church has worship services on Wednesday at 12:30 and many members attend who do not have homes. A free lunch is provided for everyone as well as a clothes closet. Folks are not required to go to the worship service in order to receive lunch which is unlike some other organizations here in Asheville. I went with my friend Bill who often attends there. He used to not have a place to live but now I am on a team of folks supporting him as he moves into housing.

I've attended once before but today was a special day. We were remembering all those who died who were homeless in Asheville this past year. The crowd was large and fairly noisy. At one point, a mother left with her crying child and the pastor Brian said it would be fine if she wanted to stay. She still choose to leave. I think Brian's attitude is a good one to have for all must feel welsome at worship. However, I was secretly glad she took the baby out. It would have made worship very difficult for me to attend do to my inability to divide my attention. (If there's noise I am unable to block it out and focus on what is important) I don't do well with a lot of stimulation and this service certainly had this. I really wanted to attend so I pushed myself even though I knew it wasn't the best environment for me.

Following the service, a group of us who are supporting Bill as he goes from being homeless to having a home, met together to bake Christmas cookies. I don't usually attend two over stimulating events back-to-back but both events were important to me. We met at the synagogue which was near-by and we even had Jewish cookie cutters! I did talk to the Rabbi a bit about the difficulties of being Jewish during this Christmas season. I would have liked to talk to her and others on the team more about this but it is difficult for me to have a conversation while I'm doing something. I now can do only one thing at a time and I just couldn't concentrate enough on a conversation with all the hustle and bustle. (again, dividing my attention)

I did have to leave the room for a bit because I could feel myself being overloaded cognitively. I went to the sanctuary (Again, my ignorance. Is it called a sanctuary in a synagogue?) and put my ear plugs in but there was construction noise right outside the window. I went back to the fellowship hall and found a chair in the corner where I could "rest my brain." I felt much better after returning ten minutes later.

I don't think people realize how much energy and planning it takes to do simple things when one has a TBI. If you have a brain injury, what sort of things do you have to do in order to participate in events? Do you find it difficult to concentrate on things when something else is going on? Commenting instructions are on the upper right hand side. (I'm unable to comment here so if you would like a response, contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com) Have a happy holiday!

Occupy Wall Street

First, I want to say that I still am unable to respond to comments in the comment section. I really appreciated the comment yesterday since sometimes I wonder if my writing affects anyone. As I said before, I may switch to WordPress (although I've been putting it off because learning another system is hard for me) because commenting is much easier there than on Blogspot. I really want folks to share their stories in this section because folks with brain injuries need to talk to each other. For the time being if you want a response, feel free to contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com If you feel comfortable leaving your email on your comment you can do that as well.

The picture on the left is why I am involved in this movement. I understand that many in the movement are not religious and that's okay. I actually like this because sometimes church folks can be a pain. (Sorry to people who go to church!) I'm drawn to this movement because there are so many things that occupiers believe which are a part of Jesus' teachings.

Many of the things I want to do with the movement really hit on my TBI weaknesses. I've made the decision to do these things and then take the consequences. Fortunately I choose things where I can handle the consequences which normally means dealing with the stress before and spending some time alone to recuperate and "rest my brain" afterwards.

I have written about this before but the occupy movement is full of challenging things for me. For example a proposal was on the Asheville City Council's agenda this past Tuesday that would no longer allow the current camp site in front of City Hall. I think we focus too much on camping to the determent of our other activities but I do believe camping serves the purpose of keeping these issues in front of people. When I walked my dog that morning, I thought of a statement I could make at the meeting.

One of the reasons I wanted to speak was because I'm middle aged and look different from the other protesters portrayed in the media. I don"t believe my differences are better in the least but I think we need to draw more folks like me. Making a statement at a meeting hits all my weaknesses however. My stress level comes into play since I can't take nearly the amount of pressure I could take before my injury. I do like to speak so I try and determine if the stress is worth it. It means taking some time afterwards to "rest my brain" and being very nervous before. I always allow much time to prepare a short speech. I never do it the day of but in this situation, if I wanted to speak, I had to prepare comments that morning.

I worked out a ride to the meeting. We were at the end of the agenda so I had to sit through the other presentations. This was a lot of stimulation for me. I made a point to sit in the front since blocking out background noise is hard. I like politics and I enjoyed watching the council members. However, I could feel my brain becoming overloaded so I put in my ear plugs to block out the sound. It felt a bit silly sitting in the third row wearing my ear plugs but I've learned to try not to care what people think.

There was a motion to send it to a committee and we were allowed to speak to this motion. It's funny but I liked what I had written. (It was a little like a short sermon) and I was disappointed to not say it especially after dealing with all my challenges. I don't think on my feet well but I decided to oppose the motion but saying part of my little speech. A television news camera man was there and a clip of my speech played on the news. Several folks who saw it and aren't involved in the movement, said they support the movement and hope it grows.

I'm glad I spoke and I may have to say the rest of my little speech in January when it comes before council again. I'll have to work on another opening because the one I had was great and I already said it. Ah well. I'll decide if speaking is worth dealing with all my brain injury challenges when we get closer to the date.

Exaggerated Startle

I was sitting in my car today in a grocery store parking lot looking at my Android. I'm afraid I've become a little addicted to using that thing. This time I was checking my various groups on Facebook to see if there was a message for me. Suddenly, there was a knock on my car window and I jumped so much, I almost hit the roof! I looked at them through the window and I couldn't focus on who they were. When I opened the window, the couple apologized. They pointed to my bumper sticker and asked me where I got it.


This experience reminded me of the early days in my recovery. I couldn't sit in the front seat of a car for a long time after my car wreck because that's where I sat during the accident. Even though I have no memory of a car hitting us on the passenger side, my body remembers. In the beginning, I jumped at every tire screech or car driving too close to me. I remember literally shouting or screaming when Michael turned left and I thought we would be hit again. Of course there was always plenty of time for us to make the turn but my body didn't think so. Michael kept telling me it made it worse when I cried out because then he thought we might really be in danger! I tried not to do it but it took me a while before I stopped.

I understand that folks who haven't gone through an experience like mine will occasionally become startled. They may even jump when someone knocks on their car door window at an unexpected time. I think it happens to me more frequently than others but it is much, much better now. It's been a long struggle though.

Authority

I have a subscription to The Sun magazine. (http://www.thesunmagazine.org/) It contains no advertisements and the stories and photography are wonderful. The magazine always contains a section called "Readers Write" where people submit a short writing about a certain topic. Often the stories affect me greatly and this month was no different. I've included one by Thom Kilts from the November issue below.

"Growing up in the projects, I saw two kinds of authority in the neighborhood. There was the authority of the gangs maintained through violence and intimidation. And there was the quiet authority of the monks at a little Tibetan Buddhist monastery down the street. The monks lived with the same poverty that I did and (I learned later) had witnessed more violence and experienced more injustice than I could dream of, but they had a stillness, a calm, an inner authority that told you not to mess with them.

Wanting the same authority for myself, I stayed out of gangs and became the first person in my family to attend college. I traveled to India, Nepal, and Tibet and was fortunate enough to have an audience with the Dalai Lama himself. After I returned to the States, I went to graduate school in Buddhist studies and then, through residency programs in clinical pastoral education (CPE), to becoming one of the first Buddhist CPE supervisors. Eventually I landed a job as director of spiritual care at a hospital,but I still felt as though I lacked true authority, the kind I'd seen in the monks in my neighborhood.

One day I began to have severe back trouble. It progressed until my entire body would give out and I was semi-paralyzed. There were times when I would vomit blood or lose the feeling in my feet. I might go from teaching a class to staring up at my students as they stood over me on the floor. I went in for surgery, but it didn't help. I had to take prescription narcotics for the chronic pain and suffered the indignity of suspicious looks as I filled prescriptions for massive amounts of painkillers. All the while my condition continued to get worse.I descended into depression and hopelessness and was no longer able to work. I went on long-term disability and gave up my job. The insurance company turned my claim into a drawn-out lawsuit.

So here I am, just an unemployed sick person wondering how the bills will get paid, tasting the bitterness of poverty once again. My mind returns to those monks who lived down the street when I was a kid. They had an inner authority that shone through, a dignity that allowed them to face hardship with a smile. I wonder if I will ever find that source of authority myself."

The issue of authority is a fairly large one in CPE. Chaplains learn about their own authority and what it means to have this authority as a minister. Although I haven't lost as much as Kilts has, I could relate to his story. What kind of authority do I now have? I can no longer work as hard or remember things as I used to. I want to try and obtain "the inner authority that shone through" the monks as they did their work. This kind of inner authority only comes from above. As I wait this Advent, I will wait for this inner dignity that comes only from God.

Advent

The first day of Advent was this past Sunday. I guess I'm a scrooge because I don't like this season. There's too much fake happiness and high expectations. There is too much tinsel and Holiday madness. It's difficult for me to find God in December which is why I don't like this month at all. To top it off, I don't even like snow!

But this Christmas season is going to be different. Worship at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church put me in the right mood. We didn't sing bright, catchy Christmas carols but rather the Advent hymns of expectation. I pondered a quote by Dietrich Bonhoeffer printed on the worship bulletin. "A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes...and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent." I read it over and over again trying to understand for it seemed rather odd.

Pictures of the wise men, Mary and Joseph or the baby Jesus are often on bulletin covers this time of year. Instead, this order of worship had the picture of the clock printed above. What does a clock have to do with this season, I thought?

In Mark Ramsey's sermon that morning he mentioned several questions that Jesus answered: questions about the resurrection and paying taxes being among them. "But when they asked him the Advent question - 'When is God coming? What time is it really?' Jesus said, 'I don't know.'" He continued, "When is the justice? When is the fairness? When is the peace? When is the food that fills every stomach? When is the water that quenches every thirst? When...is the joy? How do we tell time in God's world? And Jesus said: 'I don't know.'"

However, we do know that God will come in surprising and strange ways. Mark said, "There is hope. There is tomorrow. There is good coming from the hand and the will and the heart of God! There will be justice. There will be acceptance and love. Prejudice will be washed downstream. There will be food on every table and children will live in safety and delight! God will come!"

So when is Advent? How do we tell time in God's world? Jesus has said, "I can't tell you how...God is full of surprises." This gives me hope. I can't do all I did before my TBI but God will come in unexpected ways. So this Advent, I'm going to be watchful and wait for my prison cell to be opened. And it will. Who knows what the future holds? This Advent, I will watch with great expectation.

Travel

I like to see different parts of the world but I don't like to travel. I need to have things familiar around me and going to a new place always throws my system off. My husband, Michael, loves to travel so I try to deal with my difficulties. Sometimes, I just let him go alone which he doesn't mind at all.

This past week, we went to visit my family in Kansas City. It was wonderful to see them since it had been so long. The picture above is of my 90 year-old grandmother. We didn't think to take a picture of my whole family. I had some quiet time with my grandmother and it was wonderful to hear stories from her earlier days. It's a time I will always cherish.

Since I am sensitive to noise, I wasn't happy when I saw a baby on our 30 minute flight to Atlanta. I love babies but I knew he/she would cry which is what happened. I used my ear plugs but they didn't help much. We had a break in the Atlanta airport before boarding our next flight to Kansas City. Atlanta is a big airport and it was crowded which was another challenge to my over stimulation issues.

Unfortunately when we boarded the plane, our waiting wasn't over. There was a a warning light on in the plane's control panel so the pilot couldn't take-off until he figured out what it was. Of course this caused the passengers to joke and laugh. I just wanted to get out of the noise but of course this wasn't possible.

The trip reminded me again how glad I am to have a small family without a lot of screaming kids in it! Perhaps I would get better at being in so much stimulation if I was in it more. I can now drive on the highway when I couldn't in the beginning and that is because I pushed myself here in Asheville to do this. I also can handle large crowds better now. I do use compensatory strategies when necessary but if I had a big family with lots of children, I would have to use them much, much more.

If you have a brain injury, it it difficult for you to travel? How do you manage this? See above right for commenting instructions. I still am unable to comment here do to a glitch but if you'd like to hear from me feel free to email me at puffer61@gmail.com

Memory

I preached my favorite sermon Hagar: A First Person Sermon last Sunday at Circle of Mercy. I've preached this sermon several times and I must say, it's a pretty good one. I wrote it when I was a student at Central Baptist Seminary in Kansas City in the early 90's. I preached it again at Columbia Seminary in Atlanta for my senior sermon. I've since preached it at two other churches.

Usualy when I speak, I print the words double-spaced in HUGE type. When I spoke at Grace Covenant recently, I was glad it was short so I could get it all on one page. The copy I had of this sermon wasn't printed very large since the last time I preached it my double vision wasn't as bad as it is now. I figured I knew it well enough so it didn't need to be so large. Plus it's sort of annoying to have to turn so many pages.

It's the sort of sermon that would be better memorized but I just can't remember things like this now. The pulpit was set lower in order for a child to use it earlier but it was too low for me. I'm glad I knew the sermon well since seeing the words was difficult. I'm not sure what it is called but I have difficulty reading in a straight line. I always use my finger to mark the sentence so when I look up and then back down again, I know where my place is.

I have trouble remembering names. I get so irritated when someone says, "Oh, I can't remember names either!" I know they're trying to make me feel better but the opposite happens. I feel really alienated from the rest of society because I imagine they can remember someones name after being told it 500 times. I wish they would say, "I know it doesn't compare to your difficulty with names but I do have trouble with them as well so I know a little bit about what you mean."

When I go to a meeting, I always try and think about people's names beforehand. Sometimes I write them down on a little piece of paper and put it in my pocket to look at it later. I try not to be too embarrassed about asking someones name - especially if I've known them for a long time - but it is hard. I believe that calling someone by name is important but I just can't do it. I'm trying to accept my challenge in this area but it is hard.

Do you have difficulty remembering names or other things? I understand that some folks with a TBI aren't as severely impaired with this as I am but I'm interested in your thoughts. Commenting instructions are above on the right. I cannot respond to your comments here due to a computer problem so if you'd like a response, contact me directly puffer61@gmail.com

Speech

The picture on the left doesn't have anything to do with my speech but rather is a picture of my coffee grinder. This morning I ground some coffee beans and brewed up some fresh coffee in my super-duper coffee maker. I don't drink coffee every day, only for a treat. When I drank it every day, I found I was addicted to caffeine and I didn't like this. So now I brew it a couple of times a week but I make sure it is good coffee. No Folgers for me!

I've got a lot on my mind. It doesn't take much now for me to get stressed out but I've learned how to deal with it. Prior to drinking my wonderful coffee, I went to the Y and swam laps. Normally I take an aerobics swim class but today I didn't feel like following an instructor's directions while making sure I didn't run into other class members. I even worked on my speed something I rarely do. I felt wonderful afterwards.

This past Sunday I did a short stewardship moment at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church. I'm not one for speaking about stewardship but the theme I was asked to speak about was right up my alley. I am having some problems with double vision again. The doctor said it wasn't bad enough for another surgery but he wanted to try something different. He blurred the vision in my left eye with the hope my brain would make up the difference allowing my right eye to do the work. Well, my double vision went away but everything was blurry. When I speak, I always enlarge the words but this time I needed to make them really big to make up for my blurred vision. I tolerate the double vision must better than the blurriness so I ordered new lenses yesterday.

On Sunday, I made a point to sit on the right side up front since I knew I was going to speak from the pulpit. Unfortunately a child sat in front of me. I like children but I don't do well when a child fidgets and squirms. This is why I always sit in the front since I'm usually away from any distractions. I could feel myself getting overwhelmed and I looked to see if I could move somewhere less chaotic but there was no where to go.

I then remembered what I knew about over stimulation. One is stimulated in several ways: sounds, bright lights, touch and visual stimuli. The boy was getting up and down in his seat, playing with his cars on the pews and writing in his book. I decided to close my eyes to block out this visual stimulation. It worked! I could feel myself relaxing and when it was time to speak, I was fine. Of course, I worried what people would think when they saw me closing my eyes during the sermon but I figured it was a small price to pay.

I know I''m a good speaker. It stresses me out by I like to do it. When I was first injured, I repeated endless word lists trying to learn how to articulate again. I know plenty of folks who have a brain injury whose speech is not clear. This next Sunday, I'm going to preach my first-person Hagar sermon at Circle of Mercy. I've preached this one several times and it is a fun one to preach. I'm doing everything I know to deal with the stress (ie swimming hard laps this morning) and it will be fine. I probably don't even need to enlarge the words much since I know it so well. I wish I could preach it without notes but I don't trust my memory.

How do you deal with stress? If you have a brain injury, do you struggle with over stimulation? See above right for commenting instructions. I'm still not able to comment here (I think a friend is going to help me figure out why that is) so if you would like a response, email me directly puffer61@gmail.com I see this blog as a way for folks with a brain injury to be able to share their struggles but I've discovered commenting here is difficult. Would you comment if it was easier to do so? I can switch to another service but I don't want to do this unless folks will use the commenting section. Email me your thoughts.

General Assembly

Posted on the left is a picture that a friend from Circle of Mercy sent out. The Occupation has folks with different beliefs about a higher power but I thought it expressed my own beliefs well.

I'm writing a lot about the Wall Street protests this month because they are on my mind. Here in Asheville, there is a general assembly (ga) meeting every night downtown. It's at 7 PM and getting there is difficult since I don't see well in the dark. (This is result of the TBI) However, on the weekends they are in the afternoon so I can get downtown then. This past Saturday, I went to Pritchard Park for the meeting at 3 PM. Downtown Asheville is only about 15 minutes away but I can never remember exactly how to get there. I usually use my GPS but a parking garage doesn't have a direct address so I used written ones. The problem was my directions were wrong.

I couldn't find one parking deck but I did find the smaller one. Finding my car when I return is always a challenge so I looked for a sign telling me which floor I had parked. I saw no sign but I realized I was one floor above ground level. After exiting the garage, I didn't know how to get to the park. Fortunately this town is small so I figured asking for directions would be easy. Asheville is a tourist town and I asked three people who couldn't help me since they were visitors. Finally I asked a police officer who gave me the correct directions. I wrote them down so I could look at them when I returned home.

I'm glad I attended. I sat in the front so I wouldn't be distracted by the crowd. I managed to focus on what the speakers were saying despite the noise of traffic driving by and music on the street corner across the street. I think ga's are more streamlined now because this one was only 1 1/2 hours. I took a notebook and wrote down people's names so I would remember them later. There are a couple of different facebook groups and I like to try and put names and faces together when I can.

Going back, I didn't have any trouble finding the parking garage but I did have difficulty finding the car. My notes about its location were a bit haphazard and I had to hunt for it. I put bumper stickers on the car so I can recognize it when it's parked in a lot. This has helped me numerous times. After finding my car, I then used my GPS to get home.

I haven't written anything about the meeting but I wanted to express how difficult it is for me to get to places. Once I'm there I have to deal with all the challenges involved in attending the event. I don''t want to complain but sometimes this does get on my nerves. I want to be involved in things but I've learned to set limits and try to be involved in the ways I can. The challenge for me is to not feel guilty. I try and remember this is who I am now and I do what I can.

International Day of Action

Sunday was the day when all cities involved in the Occupy Wall Street movement came together and had some sort of action. Here in Asheville, there was a rally in Pritchard Park with music and speakers at 2 PM. The picture above is of that rally. Following the rally was the general assembly followed by picketing. Lorettas's Kitchen has been providing meals every day but I'm not sure they did this on Saturday. There was plenty of donated food, however and it was a great day.

The Asheville Citizen Times did a story on the occupation Sunday. http://www.citizen-times.com/article/20111016/NEWS/310160066/Occupy-Asheville-protesters-explain-why-they-re-here?odyssey=tabtopnewstextFrontpage This movement doesn't have any leaders and it''s been hard for people to pin down exactly what the demands are. When I attended the General Assembly, we broke up into working groups and I sat in on a group trying to come up with specific demands. A proposal will come before the General Assembly which will then decide by consensus whether to support this proposal.

I support this movement 100% but it is not a good project for someone with a brain injury to be involved in. Due to my frontal lobe injuries, I need structure and organizing anything is very difficult for me. This movement has no structure and is figuring things out as it goes along. Yesterday I was fortunate to sit next to a couple of folks involved in the organizing process and listened in on their conversation. They mentioned many of the things I've been concerned about. I was impressed with their thoughts and it gave me hope that this movement is going somewhere. I don't need to step up for there are others willing and able to do this.

Let me mention a couple of my challenges. I've mentioned cognitive overload before and it was really a problem for me during the meetings. So much goes on and I have to "rest my brain." Toward the end of the rally I knew that I needed to go somewhere, put in my ear plugs and sit quietly for a few minutes. The problem was, we were at Pritchard Park in downtown Asheville so there really was no place for me to go. I ended up walking to the back of the park and finding a place by a wall and under a tree. I put in my ear plugs and sat down on the ground next to the wall. The ear plugs didn't block all the sound but it was enough. When I heard the meeting was about to begin, I joined it again.

It is difficult for me to focus and to pay attention in these types of environments. I have discovered the best way for me to focus is to sit near the front. I've gone to two other partial general assemblies and I sat in the back. This caused problems because I kept hearing people talking around me and I could not focus. This time I decided I would sit right in the front. I found a place for the rally but when I left to "rest my brain" for a few minutes, I had to find another place in front. I felt a little uncomfortable moving to the front like I did, but I knew it was the only way I would be able to focus on the conversation.

I wish I could remember names! I watched Sunday's meeting last night on the live stream and one of the organizers said something about homeless folks and I had some resources to share. I didn't know his name so I spent a good part of today sending emails to the facebook group. I finally reached someone by messaging on facebook. I don't even know if my resources would do any good but at least I got them to the right place. I'm going to start a file with a list of the names of different people from the group. There is a facebook page with 3000+ members and I'm forever getting confused as to who is who.

I plan to set limits as I do with other things that are difficult for me. I won't be able to attend many general assemblies but I will attend the ones I can. I plan to read the information on the web site and listen to the live stream. I really support this and I want to be involved in any way I can.

If you are a brain injury survivor, are there things that are difficult for you to do yet you still try to do them? Is it hard for you to accept this fact? Do you find compensatory strategies to do those things? See above right for commenting instructions. I'm still not able to respond to your comments here do to technical difficulties but feel free to contact me directly at Puffer61@gmail.com if you'd like a response.

Occupy Wall Street

Several weeks ago, a group of protesters camped out at a park by Wall Street to protest how 1% of the population makes many of the financial rules for the other 99%. One day last week, 700 people were arrested on the Brooklyn bridge. I'll write more about this movement later but it has grown across the country. The following video has become part of the many videos and programs being produced around this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB7PwcC9qzw&feature=player_embedded&noredirect=1 I think he made this back in August before the protests began which is really amazing.

A protest has sprung up here in Asheville but it's been very difficult for me to be involved. General Assemblies are held every night downtown and since I don't drive at night, getting there has been difficult. Plus my brain shuts off after about two hours in a meeting and sometimes these meetings go longer. I've only attended two meetings in Pritchard park and I've had a hard time focusing due to all the outside noise. The organizational structure is a consensus model with no leaders. This means meetings can be long with much time spent trying to come to consensus.

Tomorrow is set aside for all groups to meet in their respective cities and come together in solidarity. The movement is still very new and organizational things are not yet in place. This means communication has been a problem. It took me most of the day to finally figure out what is happening. I think I'm going to go with someone which will be great. My spatial orientation issues make driving and walking to different destinations downtown a real challenge. This is an exciting movement and I want to be part of it however I am able.

Fifty

My fiftieth birthday was on October 5. It's hard to believe I'm 50! I saw this tongue in cheek picture above about turning 50 and it made me smile.

What does turning 50 mean to me? In my forties I kept thinking about how much farther other people had come than me. Now I'm thinking about getting involved in the Wall Street protests happening in New York. There are groups forming in all different cities across the country and there is one here in Asheville. (http://occupyasheville.org/) I'm not too sure about the movement but I want to check it out. There is a General Assembly that meets every night at 7 pm downtown and I plan to go tonight.

I've been visiting the facebook page and it looks like several interesting things are happening. The movement consists of a whole lot of young people and I had a discussion with several others about age on that page. They all said they would never go back to being younger again. As I sit here now, I must agree with them. I've gained a lot of wisdom and I wouldn't want to give any of that back. I might be all grown up now but I'll never stop growing and changing.

I've been feeling a little down about being a TBI survivor so I looked at the essay Welcome to Holland again. (see 2/9/11) I especially like "But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, 'Yes, that's where I was supposed to go.....' But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

Since I do not work, I've had time to check out the facebook page for this Wall Street thing. There is a lot of material there and I'm glad I had a chance to look at it. I also had time to bake bread today. I do love putting my hands in the dough and then tasting it when it's all baked. I never would have done this if I had gone to Italy.

If you are a brain injury survivor, how old are you? Do you like being here in Holland instead of Italy? See top right for commenting instructions or email me directly at puffer61@gmail.com

Troy Davis

Last Wednesday night Troy Davis was put to death by the state of Georgia. Thousands of people all over the world tried to stop it to no avail. One of my facebook friends wrote, "I wonder what's going to happen....all I know is, if Pope Benedict, Jimmy Carter and Bob Barr all agree on something, somebody should listen." I am very much opposed to the death penalty but in this case it's possible an innocent person was killed.

All this brought back memories for me. In the 90's, I began visiting a man named Terry Mincey who was on death row in Jackson, Georgia. When GA switched its execution method to lethal injection, Terry was the first man killed. As a result the event garnered quite a bit of attention. There is always a vigil outside the prison but this time there were newspaper cameras everywhere. At one point, I got angry and screamed, "Stop taking my picture!" Immediately a group of people stood in front of me to block the cameras but it was too late. A picture ran of me in the Atlanta papers. I must say, it captured my sadness perfectly.

I preached a sermon about my experience with Terry at the Open Door Community in Atlanta afterwards. I don't know if I can attach it to this blog but if you're interested in reading a copy, contact me directly puffer61@gmail.com) and I'll send it to you.

Due to my TBI, visiting Terry was difficult for me. The Open Door Community visits the prison every month and I first went with them. They drive a van the 1 1/2 hour south to the prison from Altlanta. Many of the folks on the trip are family members. Sometimes the trip was noisy (overstimulation) with children laughing and I found the trip difficult. Since at that time I wasn't driving on the highway, making the trip alone was not possible so every month I made the trip.

Pencil and paper are not allowed in the visiting room. I have learned that if I want to remember something, I must write it down. As I've said before, there are three parts to memory. First, one must get it in the brain. Second, it must be stored and third, it has to be retrieved. My way to store it is to write it down and then I can retrieve it by reading it later. I always took notes about my visit when I was riding home but I'm able to remember something for only a short time before I must write it down.

Leaving the prison was quite an experience. I waited for the guard to let me out of the room. I then waited for my companions before our long walk out of the prison. Trying to attend to things and concentrating really wore me out (cognitive overload, resting brain). I put in my ear plugs and slept all the way home. There was often noise in the van which made resting difficult for me. Fortunately later, I found folks who drove up separately so I didn't have to continue taking the trip with the Open Door Community. Either way, the trip wiped me out.

My experience with Terry made me interested in visiting as clergy. I tried doing this once but realized it was going to be very hard for me to do with all my challenges. Terry knew about my memory challenges and he often wrote me letters about our visits. This helped immensely. I think when I first began visiting, Murphy Davis, who is responsible for setting people up with someone to visit, choose Terry for me because she knew he would understand my challenges and be willing to work with them.

In retrospect, I'm very glad I took the opportunity to visit Terry even though it pushed on all my deficits. In the early years of being a survivor, I didn't know how to pace myself. Sometimes I did more than I really was able and I then had to sleep for days. Now I know where my limits are and I try to plan for them. However, sometimes things don't go as planned. Troy's execution was one of those times. It was postponed for hours and instead of going to bed early like I always do, I stayed up and watched Democracy Now which was broadcasting from the prison. I hoped the Supreme Court would stop the execution but this didn't happen. So I stayed up and watched till the bitter end.

West Asheville Street Clean-up

A couple of months ago there were some home invasions where neighbors were held at gunpoint in my neighborhood here in West Asheville, NC. A group called "West Asheville Watch" was hastily formed and we now have a facebook page (1300 members) and as of yesterday, a web site. The police can only do so much and studies have shown that when people look out for each other and have neat and clean neighborhoods, there is less crime.

So on Saturday, I participated with about 18 other neighbors in a project to clean about 1/2 mile on Louisiana Avenue. We collected about 103 bags of dirt, trash and debris in a morning long event and I returned in the afternoon to take the picture posted above. Of course in this picture you don't see all of us wearing our bright vests as we raked, shoveled and gathered weeds and trash from the curb and sidewalk. You also don't get to see the traffic whizzing by. We even had a police escort because Louisiana is often congested.

Events like these are always difficult for me. I concentrated on trying to gather the debris as numerous cars drove by. I had several conversations with folks (good ones, too!) but all the commotion overstimulated me. I really needed to get away for a few minutes, put my ear plugs in and "rest my brain." Since there wasn't a good place to do this, I decided to leave after only a little more than an hour.

I hate having to "shirk my duties" like this but I have learned that if I push myself to finish whatever I'm doing, I have to spend a long time resting. On Saturday I took a nap when I returned home and I was good to go on Sunday. Years ago, I often pushed myself until I ended up having to rest for days. I now know my limits. Oh, I'm certainly not happy about them but I function much better when I listen to my body. I think we all do - brain injury or not.

A quote by Hubert Humphrey helps me here. "It's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." There is a lot I can no longer do but I do what I can. I think this is all God asks of any of us.

If you have a brain injury, how do you pace yourself? Do you get angry when you can no longer do what you did before? See above right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com Due to a computer glitch, I cannot respond here but I read every comment.

I've been a little disappointed that brain injury survivors have not commented here. Being a survivor is lonely and often folks don't understand our challenges. I hoped this blog would be a place where survivors could share their experiences together but it hasn't turned out that way. I know commenting on blogspot is difficult and so I may switch to wordpress, where commenting is easier. I would be interested in your thoughts about this. Please write me at puffer61@gmail.com

Retreat

Michael and I attended Circle of Mercy's family retreat this weekend at the Hinton Center, a Methodist retreat center about two hours away from Asheville. Retreats are always difficult for me since I do much better when I know my surroundings. I decided to attend this one because I was particularly interested in the program. One family in the program spent a year in Cuba helping set up a prison ministry while the other spent two years in Columbia as MCC volunteers. In addition to hearing about both trips, I got to know my fellow Mercites much better.

Since I no longer have to take a nap at noon, I don't have to worry about making sure I have a place to lay down then. This has freed up my daily schedule but it still hasn't taken away my over stimulation, "resting my brain" or my attention challenges. I always sit in the front at both churches I attend so I'm not distracted by the various sounds around me. Children wiggling and whispering are particularly difficult for me. Children have a lot of energy and this is a positive thing. It pains me that I often cannot enjoy this energy since it pushes against my deficits. I can only imagine how difficult having a brain injury would be when one is trying to raise children at the same time!

We had our meals and our programs in a large "live" room. Often we broke into small groups which was very difficult for me. I had to filter out all the other groups as they talked which I could not do. These type of events always overstimulate me and I then I experience cognitive overload. On Saturday morning our breakfast and two sessions really pushed on all my deficits and my brain was very tired. I spent part of the afternoon sleeping and just getting away from the stimulation.

My spatial orientation issues came into play as well. The main building was in the middle while families with children slept in one building and those of us without children slept in the building on the other side. I couldn't get straight which side my building was on. Every time I left the main building to go back to my room, I turned the wrong way. I must say, it really was sort of funny. I still worry about what people think of me (I'm working on this!) and I imagined people seeing me turn around several times and thinking I was some sort of space cadet!

I did get to know several Mercites much better. It was a great retreat and I'm glad I went. Ken Sehested, one of the co-pastors quoted someone (I can't remember the person's name) who said, "The opposite of poverty is not plenty, but sharing." While we in the United States have much to learn from people who live in poverty, I took this quote very personally. "The opposite of being alone and misunderstood as a brain injury survivor, is to reach out to others and share my struggles."

That is what I did this weekend. Of course there is a danger of complaining about them endlessly but I'm careful to avoid this. There also is a danger in expecting everyone to change for me and I try hard not to do this as well. As Jesus said in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." Every day, I'm learning how to manage my TBI and live life abundantly.

Fifteen Years

On August 26, 1996, I sustained my traumatic brain injury in a car accident. Water and rainbows had always been healing to me but throughout these years on my journey, they've been a real comfort. When I was first injured, we lived in an apartment in Atlanta. I couldn't drive yet but I would often take my little dog, Abu, for a walk to a stream by my apartment to "get away from it all." Abu played in the water while I sat and relaxed, deep in thought. For me water and rainbows are signs of hope.

Fifteen years ago, Michael and I drove a couple of miles from our apartment to get some frozen yogurt. Michael made a left hand turn onto our street but forgot he was using a standard transmission so he miscalculated. We were hit and both of us were injured, he less so than I. We were taken to two different hospitals where I was put into an induced coma to prevent brain swelling. I don't even remember the first hospital since after a couple of weeks, I was transferred to another facility which had rehab for brain trauma survivors.

In the beginning, I had planned to go back to full time pastoral ministry. I pronounced endless lists of words until I could learn to speak clearly. I did activities to help my cognitive functions. I even began volunteering at a retirement facility as a chaplain until I was ready to work as a full-time minister again. Slowly but surely, I became aware that I would not be able to work as a full time minister again.

Awareness is part of all survivors' journeys. Rep. Giffords is on this journey now and it is not an easy one at all. It's especially difficult because one never knows how much brain function will return. In the beginning, I improved by leaps and bounds and it looked like I'd be able to work again. I began leading devotionals at the center, attending numerous meetings and writing short pieces. The problem was, sometimes my body would completely break down and I'd spend a few days in bed sleeping. I always returned to the same work load which meant more times of rest. Many folks in the brain injury field cautioned me about doing too much but I didn't understand what they meant.

It became a never ending cycle. I would get depressed when I needed to rest but yet I refused to cut back. It wasn't until we moved to Asheville, NC in 2004 when I dropped out of everything. I didn't have any church meetings, no volunteer commitments and no preaching or writing commitments. I spent all my time getting used to a new environment which was enough challenge in itself. After battling my insurance company who thought I could be working, I settled into a calm existence.

Yet I became bored. I needed some challenge, some sort of goal or I would go crazy! Harold Kushner, the author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People helped me here. Genesis says, "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. The earth was formless and chaotic, with darkness covering everything." Kushner continues, "Then God began to work His creative magic on the chaos, sorting things out, imposing order where there had been randomness before. He separated the light from the darkness, the earth from the sky, the dry land from the sea. This is what it means to create: not to make something out of nothing, but to make order out of chaos." (I added the bold.)

So a little at a time, God is helping me make order out of the chaos of brain injury. I can do a lot but I must be careful about what and how I do it. I can preach, write and do other things but I can't do them all together as I could before. I'm learning to make choices. I still want to take on too many things so this is a process for me but every year, I get better at it. I'll never have it completely worked out but that's okay. One of my favorite passages of scripture is Isaiah 43:19 "I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." God creates order out of chaos which means there is a road through this wilderness of life.

If you are a brain injury survivor, do you see order in your chaos? Or are you in the midst of chaos and wonder how you're going to survive? Many of us who are survivors have been there so please know you are not alone. See above right for commenting instructions. Due to a glitch I'm not able to comment here but I read every one. Hopefully, this will be fixed soon. If you'd rather contact me directly write puffer61@gmail.com

"Trial and Error"

It's already starting. Arizona state senator Frank Antenori is pushing Rep. Gabrielle Gillords to say if she is planning to run for reelection. (see article in Huffington Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/19/gabrielle-giffords-reelection-frank-antenori_n_931155.html) Of course she isn't required to file until May 15 but politics can be ugly business. Huffinton Post wrote, "Speculation on Giffords' future has buzzed since her surprise return to Congress to cast her first vote since the Jan. 8 shooting... Her return to vote on the debt ceiling deal was celebrated as proof she could possibly return full time to politics."

I don't know if she's going to be able to return full time to politics again or not. She probably doesn't know and neither do her doctors. I remember when I was injured in 1996, I assumed I would be able to return to full-time ministry. Every day brought more improvements and I was hopeful. I remember walking around a pond with my physical therapist trying to get used to an uneven pavement. I remember speaking various words over and over again, trying to speak as clearly as possible. I remember painting ceramic objects which helped me learn to use my hands again. I remember playing hang-man and other word games as my word finding skills improved.

It was, and is, a long process. When I was first injured, I was told it takes two years for most improvements to be made. I remember hanging on to that rule. Two years stretched into three, five and then ten years. Yes, many of my huge improvements happened during those first few years, but I will always continue to improve. It wasn't until a few years after my injury when I realized (awareness) I would never be a full time minister again. However, I still can do some pastor like activities. I must be selective and it's a "trial and error" sort of thing to learn what those activities are.

This brings me back to Gabrielle Giffords. She's having to go through this awareness process in the public eye - in the crazy circus of politics. I can only imagine how difficult this is. This was hard enough without having to have my every move commented about in the newspaper. I am grateful for my husband's advocacy for I wasn't able to do it for myself.

I have my doubts about her ability to return but that is neither here nor there. She needs to come to this awareness herself. Another important factor is, every brain injury is different and I try not judge another survivor's choices. Traumatic Brain Injury doesn't fit into nice categories and it really is a "trial and error" sort of thing.

If you are a survivor, what's sort of things have you had to try? Did they work? See above right for commenting instructions but note that at this time I cannot comment myself due to a technical glitch. Know that I read every one. If you'd like to contact me directly, write puffer61@gmail.com

A Long Way Back

In today's Asheville Citizen Times, there was an article on the front page about Jordan Allen who sustained a TBI two years ago. http://www.citizen-times.com/article/20110814/NEWS/308140041/Asheville-High-student-continues-recover-two-years-after-accident . The picture above is of Jordan and his mother, Tracee Workman. Workman is quoted as saying "Jordan was supposed to go to a step-down facility after CarePartners....But Workman says Jordan fell in a gray area - between someone with mental illness and someone with development problems. She says Jordan's insurance company, CoreSource, didn't want to pay because it wasn't a medical necessity." He still has a long way to go and he needs to more rehab.

I was in a similar situation and my insurance company said the same thing. I remember thinking, "What does that mean? I can't organize my thoughts or remember things but treatment isn't medically necessary?" My husband and I were furious but Michael looked into all options available to me. At the time I qualified for a state program that paid for me to have more rehabilitation at the Shepherd Center in Atlanta. I needed this rehab and I'm glad I qualified.

When I moved here to North Carolina, I was amazed to discover that brain injury falls in the same area as mental illnesses and developmental disabilities in the state system. Since my brain injury occurred when I was an adult, the services were much different for me. There isn't enough services for high school students in this state.

After reading this article, memories of my own injury almost 15 years ago came flooding back. My insurance company did pay for a stepped down facility after leaving the hospital. However, at one point a therapist listed me as "non-compliant." This meant the therapist thought I wasn't following his or her directions. I remember spending time playing games like hangman on a computer program thinking it was a waste of time. I wanted to get back to work, not spend hours playing computer games.

Now I can see how that game probably helped my word-finding skills. People with brain injury often have difficulty thinking of a word. One needs to practice having conversations and playing games like hangman in order to recover some of these skills. I may have been more open to playing the game if someone would have taken the time to explain to me why I was doing it.

On second thought, maybe not. Awareness is a huge issue for brain injury survivors. A person just isn't aware of one's limitations and sometimes will try to do dangerous things. I volunteered at a brain injury facility in Atlanta and was talking to a recently injured man who told me about his visit home. He used to climb trees for his job but he told me he had decided not to climb any when he was home this time, maybe later. This from a man who used a wheelchair some of the time! He still thought he could do it.

I was impressed with Tracee Workman's determination to help her son. A brain injury survivor cannot do it alone. My husband, Michael, really battled insurance companies and medical personnel for me and for this, I am grateful. I plan to try and contact Jordan and Tracee this week. They need all the support they can get.

Against the Wind

This is my second post on two different sermons I heard last week on Matthew 14:22-23 (see "Water Walk on August 8). Mark Ramsey, the Pastor at Grace Covenant Presbyterian, preached this one and like Ken's, I found ways it applied to me as a TBI survivor. Mark said,"But while he was praying, the wind came up and waves began to batter the disciple's boat. Whatever you believe about the rest of this story, surely you can believe this part: the wind was against them."

As a TBI survivor, the wind is against me. It's against me when I get lost all the time. (spatial orientation) It's against me when I have difficulty organizing my thoughts. It's against me when I get overstimulated from the various sounds around me. It's against all of us but we find ways to push against this wind.

I think of an experience that happened at an brain injury support group in Atlanta of which I was a part. The group consisted of survivors and their supporters. On one evening we were talking about a difficult situation occurring in the Georgia Brian Injury Association. Some of us had strong feelings and it got pretty tense. Suddenly, Brian shouted "Stop." Now Brian uses a wheel chair and has great difficulty speaking but everyone quieted down to hear what he had to say. With great difficulty he continued. "We're all on the same side!" After he spoke, no one said a word because everyone knew he was right.

If we are going to push against the wind, we need each other. That's why being around other brain injury survivors is important. We can understand what the other is going through. We started a support group here in Asheville called "Brainstormers" because we needed a place where we could share our struggles together and give each other support. There is another support group here but it has a different focus. Unfortunately, we havn't been able to keep it going but I don't want to give up on it yet. I'm going to try and find someone who can work with me to push against the wind.

Mark also said, "In this story it was not the storm that sank Peter. It was fear and his inability to believe in the sustaining presence and power of God in the midst of the storm" Fear encapsulates a lot of things with worry and distress among them. I worried when I went to the rally downtown on Wednesday. I worried about parking so I took the bus. I used to take public transportation in Atlanta when I couldn't drive. I always wrote my bus numbers and stop times on a little piece of paper because I couldn't remember them. I saved each piece of paper so I could use it again when I needed to take the same trip over which was often.

On Wednesday, I used an umbrella to shield me from the hot sun as I waited for the bus. I shared it with another woman and was remind again how hard it is not to have a car in Asheville. In the process of paying my fare and putting down my umbrella, I lost the little piece of paper which told me how to get to the rally. When I got to the bus station, all I could remember was I needed to get to Pritchard Park. When I arrived there, I discovered it was at Pack square. At least I had the "P" right! So I got directions to Pack Square and arrived only a little late.

All the stimulation of taking the bus, trying to focus on the speakers and standing in the hot sun overloaded me cognitively and I needed to "rest by brain." So the next morning, I swam hard laps. I usually take a high intensity water aerobics class but I didn't need to focus on an instructor or try to listen to her with all the noise from a children's class on the other side of the pool. Swimming laps and praying later, allowed me to "rest my brain" so that I could continue pushing against the wind.

Mark also said, "Faith is not the absence of fear (or worry and distress) but courage to walk through the fear and take the hand that is offered. To be courageous is not to be fearless; it is to be able to act in spite of fear." We need others in order to push against the wind.

With all your challenges, how do you push against the wind? Do you have support networks? I would like for this blog to be a place where brain injury survivors can share their struggles. If you have a comment, see the directions on commenting above right. Due to technical difficulties, I am unable to respond here but I read every one. Hopefully, I'll fix this soon. Feel free to comment directly to me at puffer61@gmail.com

Over-stimulation

It's happened again and I hate it. Prior to my TBI I could do things all the time. Now too much stimulation and I get tired. Even though I know this and am careful to avoid too much activity, sometimes I can't help it. When I say "activity" I mean paying attention to everything. I didn't realize how much one concentrates and pays attention to their environment every day until I became a TBI survivor. Simply driving or walking down the street means one is hit with all sorts of stimuli. We may not know it but lights, sound, speaking and everything else we do causes our brains to work.

For example, my day yesterday was too much for me and I didn't even do that much! Shoot, I used to have meetings, appointments and writing assignment all day and night long. Yesterday I worked in Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church's community garden in the morning. The garden is right in the front yard by a busy street with lots of traffic noise. After that, I delivered some vegetables to someone before driving home. All that in itself was a lot of stimulation.

I then cleaned up, ate lunch and visited someone in the afternoon. I really enjoy visiting folks for my church but when I concentrate on a conversation for a length of time, it wears me out. I then had to pick up my dog from day care. I know! I know! Day care for a dog sounds crazy but I have a dog that thrives on stimulation and he gets it there. But it meant picking him up before going downtown for a rally sponsored by the organization Move-On. I really wanted to go even though I knew it was a lot, so I went.

Even though downtown Asheville is not far, I didn't want to find a parking place and then remember where I parked the car (spatial orientation) so I decided to take the bus. I used to take the bus in Atlanta when I couldn't drive at all and I had tons of little pieces of paper with my bus numbers and times on them. I always had to write everything down including what subway station to take. (memory) It took a long time to get anywhere but it worked. The Asheville Transit isn't as good but taking a bus from my home downtown is pretty easy.

I brought my umbrella to shield me from the sun and I prepared to wait at the stop. A woman joined me and we shared my umbrella. The experience reminded me what I like about the bus. I always meet interesting people and I'm more aware of the difficult lives many people must face. I had a choice to take the bus but some folks don't have the choice at all. I had written my directions down on a little piece of paper but somehow in the commotion with buying my ticket and putting my umbrella down, I lost it. I remembered the first part of my directions from the bus station and began walking.

The problem was I thought I needed to go to Pritchard Park when I really needed to go to Pack Square Park. At least I got the "P" right! I asked directions to Pritchard Park but when I arrived there was no rally there. People gave me directions to go to City Square Park so I headed there. On the way, I found the rally at Pack Square. The picture posted above is one from that rally. Michael met me there at the rally and we drove home together. I was beat for it was a long rally but I'm glad I went. It felt good to be around folks who are as angry as I am about the budget cuts and high unemployment.

I usually take a high intensity water aerobics class on Thursday mornings but I didn't want to have to concentrate on a teacher's directions or worry about colliding into someone. Instead I swam laps. I didn't have to think and I could swim as hard as I liked. It's just what I needed. When I returned home, I realized I had left my swimsuit at the Y. This meant going back for it instead of resting my brain which I really needed to do. When I finally returned home, I put in my ear plugs and rested my brain for a half hour.

I had some other things I wanted to do this afternoon but when I push it this hard, I usually need to take it easy for a while. So I wrote in my journal, meditated and am planning to do things that won't stress me out. It is a challenge to try to be involved in one's community when one has a TBI but I am trying to find ways to do this.

If you are a TBI survivor do you get over-stimulated easily? How do you work with it? Some folks simply cannot do as much as I do and I must admit that sometimes I push it too hard. Every TBI is different and we all have to do what works for us. See top right for commenting instructions or contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com. I still can't respond to your comment here but I read all of them.

The Water Walk

I attend two different churches. One meets in the morning and the other in the afternoon. I don't always attend both services but I find it interesting when the two preachers both choose the day's lectionary passage as is what happened yesterday. The passage was Matthew 14:22-33. Both sermons spoke to my TBI in an indirect way. I'm going to write one post about how each sermon affected me beginning with Ken Sehested, the preacher at Circle of Mercy.

The passage is a familiar one. Jesus left his disciples on the boat while he went off to pray. A storm came and Jesus walked on the water toward their boat. The disciples were afraid and Peter said, "If it is you, help me walk to you on the water." Peter did but the wind was strong and he became frightened and began to sink. Jesus saved him in that storm. Ken focused his sermon on all the ways we "do the water walk."

He said "the water walk will take us to risky places, maybe even places where we'll get in over our heads........We do not get to where we're going because we've mapped a clear path to the destination of our choosing, however bright and wonderful that destination may be. Our long-range planning conclusions may have to be scrapped. The way forward won't appear until we start walking. We may have to give up on some big dreams in order to stumble on to some truly gigantic ones. Our biggest asset will not be our strength but our nimbleness."

"Nimble" according to Websters means "quick-witted; alert; moving or acting quickly and lightly." Now folks with a brain injury do not act quickly. In fact, we act pretty slowly and carefully. The neurons in our brains have slowed down which means it takes us longer to think about and do things. I think my greatest asset is a willingness to try new things until I find something that works.

After determining that working as a minister at a church wasn't possible, I tried being a volunteer at the Open Door Community in Atlanta. This is a community that works with homeless folks and folks in prison. They have a soup kitchen, offer showers and clothes, provide a public bathroom, phone and have worship and reflection times through out the week. My vocational therapist went with me there to help me figure out how to do my tasks. Although I support their ministry it just didn't work for me since it was too chaotic of an environment.

I then volunteered at a hospice but the patients there slept all day so that didn't work. I finally walked into the chaplain's office at a local retirement community to see if they needed a volunteer chaplain there. This was definitely a "water walk." I met the head of the chaplain's office who was always busy and I don't know how I managed to catch him at that time. As a result, I spent several years volunteering there. I was able to help with pastoral visits, chapel services and other functions. I had some supervision from the director and I also took a clinical pastoral education program there.

This "water walk" is not the walk I wanted. I've scrapped the destination I chose and now I am in a risky place. Ken said yesterday, "Our future is more likely to spring up in our midst, to surprise us, maybe even shock us, possibly even threaten us. The water walk means we need to be ready to expect the unexpected. " While TBI survivors don't do well with unexpected situations, I am on this walk now waiting for what God has is in store for me.

Children

I married late in life but I never had a burning desire to have children. I always assumed I would have them but I wasn't in any hurry. I loved being around other people's children and I especially liked doing the children's time at church. I remember when I first started doing it, I worried about it which I seem to do about everything that I do for the first time.

My TBI happened three months after my marriage. I was in an induced coma in one hospital while Michael was in another. The other Associate Pastor of the church I served put a notebook in the waiting room for people to sign when they came to visit. I wasn't allowed any visits and this was a way for folks to respond to my accident. I treasure this notebook today and I appreciate seeing the notes from the many people who visited. I must say, I am surprised at the various folks who came to the hospital. Perhaps I'll write a post about that time but today I want to write a little about children.

I can't imagine having children when I was injured. I was sensitive to noise (I still am but it is much better) and the thought of having children playing in the house when I was trying to recover, is unbearable to me. Many brain injury survivors have children and I can't imagine the challenges. I never even thought about adding children to the mix.

I think often folks have a desire to leave part of themselves behind when they die. Having children is one way to do this. I do feel a sense of loss at not having children but I'll have to leave a sense of myself behind in other ways. I do believe that too often, folks use children to give them a sense of self and I imagine this is a challenge for people who do have children.

At Grace Covenant years ago, I volunteered to help in one of the children's classes for two weeks. It wasn't any more chaotic than any other children's' class but I just couldn't take the stimulation. At Circle of Mercy, the children leave worship to play during the sermon. Volunteers help the paid sitter then and I might try it once to see if I can do it. It would be a way to be around a small group of children which may be okay for me. It's another example of trying something to see if it works since having a TBI requires flexibility.

How are you around children after having a TBI? Do you have any children? Feel free to comment here (commenting instructions are above right) but feel free t0 comment directly to me at puffer61@gmail.com I'm unable to respond to your comment here due to technical difficulties but I read every one.

Internet

I wish it didn't take so little for me to get overwhelmed and stressed. My life now must consist of well made plans and sometimes, it drives me a little nuts. If someone throws me a curve ball, I don't do well. People with TBI need consistency and a steady schedule. The problem is, I've never had a steady schedule. After college, I worked as a freelance violinist/violist and I played all sorts of places: churches, concert halls and every thing in between. I even played violin with an accordionist in a group called "Bellows and Bows." One of our "gigs" was at a Hyatt Regency where we played for breakfast and for lunch.

After a while, I realized I probably would have difficulty becoming a member of a professional orchestra which had been my dream. I started seminary at an American Baptist seminary n Kansas City because I wasn't ready to cut my music ties yet. For a couple of years I did both which made for a crazy schedule and late nights trying to learn my biblical Greek. I then transferred to Columbia seminary in Atlanta, GA where I finished and worked as an Associate Pastor in Atlanta.

So I find too consistent a schedule boring! Lately there's been a couple of unexpected things thrown my way and they've stressed me out. I have Charter for Internet and I couldn't get a signal so I called them this morning. Unfortunately I have found Charter's customer service to be awful. However, it's the only company that serves my street so if I want service I have to use them. I had a local provider who was very patient with me when I called for help but for some reason, we no longer can get the signal. I do support local business when I can.

I hate talking to Charter. Plus I'm pretty ignorant about Internet things. We have all these wires and plugs coming out of the computer and I don't know what is what. Router? Modem? Grrrr. Anyway, I realized I didn't know what the guy was talking about so I called Michael to help me. Michael is very patient but he does get frustrated with me because he really is a computer whiz. He tried to explain to me there the router cord was and I wasn't understanding. Finally, he said, "Just figure it out!"

Well that got me mad. "You know I can't figure it out with this dam TBI!" and on and on I went. He listened and realized that once I get to that point, it's too late. I can't be reasoned with. I don't remember how our argument ended but I did know where the correct wires were so I called Charter back. It's fixed now but I do feel bad about the whole event. Michael has a lot going on at work and having to stop and deal with me had to have been maddening.

So what have I learned about my tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed from this? I have got to stop myself before this happens. Perhaps I could have taken some deep breaths and meditated some before calling Michael and Charter. I probably should have spent time journaling which always helps me. In fact, I think I'll spend some time journaling now especially since I have a potentially stressful meeting tonight.

How do you handle your overwhelmed feelings? For me, journaling helps but this isn't for everyone. See above right for directions on how to comment. (Know that I'm having difficulty commenting myself but I do read every one.) Or if you'd rather, contact me directly at puffer61@gmail.com