Holy Anticipation

Last night I had to be at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church for an alto rehearsal at 6 :15.  Ever since my accident, I don't see well in the dark.  I don't know exactly why this is or what happened to injure my eyes but something did.  As a result, I don't drive at night which is a real pain in the neck.  I couldn't find anyone to take me so I decided to take the bus.  I only needed to get it about an hour before I needed to be there so I figured it would be okay.

Of course I worried about it.  "What if I get on the wrong bus?  What if I pull the string to signal the driver to stop at the wrong place? What if I look like a jerk because I'm not familiar with the route?"  It's interesting because Mark Ramsey's sermon at GCPC this past Sunday was about Mary's song and it was called "What We Do While We Wait.....We Worry."  (The picture is "Magnificat!" by Sister Mary Grace Thul and was printed in the bulletin.)

We had an email exchange about parts of it yesterday before my bus trip.  I was especially bothered by one of his statements in the sermon: "...we find that anxiety has, by God's grace, become holy anticipation and against all appearances, and against all odds ---that literally saves our life." It's funny but when I reframed my worry this way, I wasn't so stressed.  By the time I was ready to go, I was okay. I think perhaps God's Spirit was at work.

I met my friend, Donnie, on the bus.  Donnie was homeless and he recently moved into an apartment.  He knew everyone on the bus which helped folks to begin talking to each other.  I discovered another woman was concerned about getting her connection as well.  When we got to the station, it was just in time for me to catch my bus.  However, I didn't know which one it was and by the time I figured it out, it had pulled out.  I ran after it screaming, "Wait!  Wait!"  A family with two young children were nearby waiting for their bus and they told me that once the driver closes the door it's not opened again. 

So I went into the bus station to try and figure out if another bus was going to come.  The guard sitting behind the information booth ignored my questions so I turned around and asked the other riders.  I was told another bus would come in about a half hour and I could wait.  I looked at my watch and saw I had 35 minutes until rehearsal began.  I said, "Shoot, I bet I could walk there faster!"  Another woman nodded and said, "Yep you could." 

I had no idea how far on Merrimon GCPC was but I figured I'm in good physical condition and it couldn't be too far so that's what I decided to do.  My first problem was trying to figure out how to get to Merrimon from the bus station.  Folks pointed me the right way but my spatial orientation issues got me all confused.  I asked several folks how to get there but I didn't write what they said down and I ended up walking all over downtown.

By the time I finally figured out where Merrimon was it was dark and I had only 15 minutes before the rehearsal began.  I thought about going back to the bus station to catch that bus but I wasn't sure how to get back to it.  So I trudged on in the dark. I considered stopping at one of the bus stops and waiting for the bus, but I do hate being in darkness outside like that. After a few feet, it is total darkness and it's a bit scary not knowing what is out there so I decided walking was the better option. 

It always helps me to think of a saying or a Scripture verse when I'm stressed out inside.  I thought back to Mark's sermon and tried to come up with that phrase that calmed me down before but all I could come up with was "holy *********!  I decided that wasn't the right phrase and walked on.

When I got to the McDonalds next to the church, the bus passed me.  When I arrived at the rehearsal I was a sweaty mess and was panting too hard to sing a note. Since my brain can handle only so much stimulation and my little journey began at 5 o'clock, by 7:45 I could tell I needed to "rest my brain."   One of the rest rooms has a couch so I went there, put in my ear plugs and turned out the light for a few minutes.  

I am thankful that God gives me, and others, the strength we need to live in our challenging, wonderful world.  


 

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"

In his column in the Asheville Citizen-Times yesterday, Roger Aiken wrote about a friend of his who was stricken with a brain aneurysm.  He battled infections and the doctors thought he might not survive.  He's able to work now but the experience profoundly changed him. 

Aiken's wrote about a manager's meeting they both recently attended.  It was an intense meeting and everyone was stressed but when Aiken looked over at his friend he saw the most peaceful expression on his face.  He mentioned this calmness to his friend who said. "These aren't problems, these are small issues.  I've seen problems. I can handle this."

Aiken's suggests what his friend might say if he had the chance. "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff. Something wonderful begins to happen with the simple realization that life, like an automobile, is driven from the inside out, not the other way around."  I want to remember these words because I do tend to "sweat the small stuff." 

It is a challenge for me though.  The filters in my brain that monitor my emotions were injured so now I must monitor my emotions differently.  I have learned the best way to handle my feelings is sometimes to simply get out of the situation and leave the feelings behind.  This is easier said then done.  Early after my injury, I would try and swallow my feelings but that didn't work because they would often come out in other ways.  I vividly remember getting angry when I lived in an apartment in Atlanta.  I threw an apple against the wall.  I did feel better but it wasn't good for the apple or for the wall!

I also remember once here in Asheville I needed to figure out how to get somewhere the next day.  I hate dealing with directions since my spatial orientation is so out of whack.  I wanted my husband Michael to help me figure them out right then.  He was working on a project and couldn't stop.  So what did I do?  I slammed the door as I left the house to get the map out of the car.  After rustling around trying to find the map and making a mess of the inside of the car, I slammed the car door and went back into the house.  Just for good measure, I slammed the door again.

I rarely push past my limits now but it is not easy.  I dislike leaving meetings or rehearsals -I had to leave a choir rehearsal on Saturday because my emotions were overtaking my sense of reason.  However if I don't leave I might throw something against a wall which will only make me look silly and won't solve anything.  It's far better for me to take a few minutes and "rest my brain" so that I'm able to function in a responsible manner.

On the left, I posted a picture of the moon because a moon always calms me down inside.  It reminds me not to "sweat the small stuff." Life really is like an automobile and it must be lived from the inside out.  Seeing a moon reminds me of the deeper more important things of which there are many. Getting lost or throwing an apple against the wall is not one of them!  

 

 

 

Advent: Rohr

I am using Richard Rohr's Advent meditations this year.  Today he "hit the nail of the head" for me.  Mathew 11:15 says, "Let anyone with ears listen!"  Rohr points out how much Jesus talks about seeing, hearing, listening and about not being blind. He used to think this was just for "hard-hearted" folks but he's come to understand that the words are for all of us. 

He writes, "Without great love and/or great suffering, human consciousness remains largely at the fight-or-flight, either/or, all-or-nothing level.  This dualistic mind, that we can now prove is the lowest level of brain function, will never be able to access, much less deal with, the really big things that are invariably 'mysterious."" He  lists, love, evil, God, nonviolence, forgiveness and grace as some of those things. 

When I first had my injury I mentioned how I had a "startle response."  I was jumpy whenever I rode in a car because my body was afraid we would be hit again by another car.  At first, I couldn't even be a passenger in the front seat since this was where I was in 1996.  I would scream at any little car I perceived would hit us. It drove my husband nuts since he was never sure if it was real or not.

In a sense, I had a dualistic mind.  I was either in danger or I wasn't.  It took years of struggling with this until I rarely have this type of response now.  It still happens some but it's okay since it is infrequent.  I do have an "all or nothing" sort of mindset, though. (see 8/22/12) While I believe I had this mindset prior to my injury, it is worse now because my ability to hold two conflicting things in my mind is difficult. (cognitive flexibility)  

However, Rohr writes, " Jesus is talking today to all of us, and not just to those really bad people out there.  We can be very sincere, good willed and even want to be loving, but the big issues will still bring us to the blindness and deafness that Jesus talks about. It is largely great love and great suffering that create spiritual listening and larger seeing." 

I think being a brain injury survivor has allowed me to see and hear things differently. It doesn't mean I'm "better" than anyone else but I am starting to see and accept all that I have gained.  Along with my losses I have received many gifts and for these, I am grateful.

Waiting In Darkness

I went back through my blog and noticed how in my last few posts, I sounded rather depressed and frustrated that I have a TBI.  In fact, I didn't like reading them for this reason.  However, I participated in an action on Saturday about the water issue here in Asheville and it energized me.  I do love actions!  I'll say more about this later but first I want to comment on today's devotional by Richard Rohr.

In it Rohr writes, "The darkness will never totally go away.  I've worked long enough in ministry to know that darkness isn't going to disappear, but that, as John's Gospel says, 'the light shines on inside of the darkness, and the darkness will not overcomeit' (1:5). He goes on to say that "the real question is how to receive the light and spread the light."

Looking back over my posts, I see my darkness.  I often get mad when I can't remember names or I get overstimulated. I can't help thinking, "if only I didn't have these challenges, I could do so much more!"  Sometimes I just lay on the couch and mope.  There's even been days when I don't bother getting out of bed because it seems I have no purpose in life.  "It would have been better if I had just died in my car accident all the years ago.  Then I could be with God and I wouldn't have to deal with all these challenges," I have thought.

Rohr says there are two ways to release our inner tension.  The first is to stop calling darkness darkness and to pretend it is passable light.  I've done this in the past and he is right.  His second suggestion is one that I find helpful just now. "Stand angrily, obsessively against it, but then you become a mirror image of it.  Everyone can usually see this but you!"  I did this on Saturday when I demonstrated against the states takeover of Asheville's water system.

On the right, is a picture of me demonstrating as many in our legislature were driving to a Christmas dinner at the Grove Park Inn.  Folks lined the streets carrying signs against this take over.  It's interesting to me that we were in the dark as we demonstrated. Rohr writes, "Our Christian wisdom is to name the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to live and work in the Light so that darkness does not overcome us."

We were standing in the darkness, as we often must do, when we work for peace and justice.  It isn't fair that I have a brain injury just as it isn't fair that so many folks must live with a disability.  We must "fit in" to a world that isn't made for us.

One example of this for me is, I really enjoy singing in the choir at GCPC.  However, I can't handle the stimulation as the choir processes in and out.  As a result, I've found a little room behind the Sanctuary where I can sit quietly wearing my ear-plugs so I may "rest my brain."  This makes my darkness, as Rohr describes, "passable light." 

At the end of his devotional, he writes "We must wait and work with hope inside of the darkness - while never doubting the light that God always is - and that we are too (Matthew 5:14).  That the narrow birth canal of God into the world -through the darkness and into an ever-greater Light."

Prison Cell

"A Prison cell, in which one waits, hopes...and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent" - Dietrich Bonhoffer

The bulletin for this past Sunday's worship service at Grace Covenant Presbyterian (GCPC) had the above rather odd quote on the front. Now that I'm singing in the choir, I often don't have time to read the bulletin until later and when I read this I thought, "Advent and prison?  What could they possibly have in common?"  However, when I read it later, I understood.

I've been in a lot of prisons in my life.  I don't mean when I visited someone on death row in Georgia which I did in the 90's.  I mean prisons of my own, and sometimes the world's, making.  My traumatic brain injury has been my latest prison.  It seems when I look at other people and see all the things they are able to do and I can't, I'm in prison.  Dammit, I think.  (and yes, I sometimes use this cuss word.) Why am I stuck behind these bars!  I want to be free! 

In the beginning, I waited for freedom.  I tried a couple of different volunteer positions that didn't work out until I finally began volunteering as a Chaplain at a retirement facility in Atlanta.  I figured it was just until I improved enough to serve a church again.  The prison door opened for a little while.  Years past and the door began to close because I knew I wouldn't be able to work in a church again.  To make matters even worse, my husband Michael took a job in Asheville, NC so we had to move.

Change is horrible for anyone with a brain injury.  We like things constant and we don't do well with new things.  This is getting better for me now but back then it really threw me.  I decided to not get involved in anything here until I became more accustomed to the city.   After experiencing the closed prison doors in Atlanta, I came to a new place where I had to learn everything all over again.  I don't even like to think about how lost I always was when we first moved here (spatial orientation) but the prison doors had opened.

I tried two more volunteer positions here. It seems when one has a brain injury, one must be willing to try different things for often things don't work the first time.  That is certainly the case with me. Both positions were okay but I felt the prison doors shutting again.  I wanted so much to be like everyone else.  I wanted to work and pay my own way in the world.   I finally began doing some visitation at one of my churches and the prison doors opened again. I do love this and plan to continue but  recently, I have felt the prison doors slowly closing again.

God opened those doors for me  in the past and I believe She will open them again. So this Advent, I am waiting for God's Spirit to let in some sunlight.  Truth be told, I'm already feeling it.  Come Lord Jesus come.  I'm waiting for you to open the doors again.

Note: At GCPC there is often the following note in the bulletin" "We gather to worship God who is larger than all our imagination!  We encourage all persons to sing the gender nouns and pronouns they prefer in referring to God." I never use pronouns for God when I'm speaking in public because unlike the biblical writers, I believe God has no gender.  I know that some folks don't like female pronouns for God but I figure since this is my blog, it is my perogative to use them.

Advent

Michael and I bought a Christmas tree yesterday from a lot close to our house.  After seeing the picture on the left, I realize I need to trim some of its branches.  On second thought, I'll probably leave it as is to work on my perfectionism a bit!

I've always hated the Christmas season.  This year a couple of local stores opened on Thanksgiving night so that folks could begin there Christmas shopping! I hate shopping for anything and Christmas is the worst.  This year I've decided to get all the adults presents from an Alternative Gift market at my church.  I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to get yet but I'm going to choose from Homeward Bound of Asheville, Veteran's Restoration Quarters, Mark Hare, PCUSA Missionary as well as several others.

I have worried about my bare tree as well.  My husband, Michael, is really really swamped at work now so decorating it falls on me.  However as I was doing my Advent devotional this morning, I thought about waiting for a bit and leaving it bear.  After all, Advent is all about waiting. 

The devotional I'm using this year is Preparing for Christmas by Richard Rohr. He writes in his introduction, "Jesus identified his own message with what he called the coming of the 'reign of God' or the 'kingdom of God,' whereas we had often settled for the sweet coming of a baby who asked little of us in terms of surrender, encounter, mutuality or any studying of the Scriptures or the actual teaching of Jesus.  Sentimentality, defined as trumped-up emotions, can be an avoiding of and substitute for an actual relationship, as we see in our human relationships, too."

Yesterday when we went to the Christmas tree lot, I saw the shining eyes of two little children as they took in the surprising and wonderful sights around them.  This is what Advent and Christmas is about.  As Mark Ramsey said in his sermon yesterday, "Advent is a yearly reminder that God is able to surprise us.  Perhaps we ought to think of church as training in the skills required for following this living, surprising, interrupting God!"

So with Richard Rohr's devotional in hand, I look forward to being surprised this Advent season.

"Overwhelming"

The title for Mark Ramsey's sermon at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church yesterday morning was "overwhelming." It definitely got my attention since I have such a problem with being overwhelmed.  This is really an issue for folks who are brain injury survivors. Over stimulation, cognitive overload, and mental fatigue are just a few words which describe our feeling of being overwhelmed.

This picture was printed in the bulletin and I loved the Call to Worship.  I enter the sanctuary from behind the organ to avoid the overwhelming situation when I join the processional with the choir so I usually miss this part of the service.  However, for some reason yesterday I stood back on the stairs where I could hear it.

O God, open us to the powerful winds of your Spirit.
Open our eyes to the wonders of your creation.
Open our senses to the smells of new life.
Open our ears to the words of justice and truth.
Open our mouths to the taste of freedom and love.
Open our arms to the embrace of peace.

I am trying to be open to the winds of God's Spirit but it is hard. In the past I thought being open to the Spirit meant getting involved in everything that came my way. This didn't work.  It only stressed me out and I wasn't good to anyone especially to God!  So when I moved to Asheville, I regrouped and didn't get involved in much of anything.  What happened?  I got bored.

Now I'm trying to balance things out. I'm beginning to think that folks stay busy because they are afraid to be seized by the Spirit.  It's easier to say "yes" to everything than it is to discern if something is what God is calling us to do.  I think this saying "yes" allows us to feel important.  But we miss out on so much of God's world when we do this!

 I'll never forget the hours I spent watching those baby robins hatch and grow until they were big enough to leave the nest. (see 5/13/12 post) I stopped what I had to do and watched. I opened my arms to God's embrace.

Mark said something in his sermon yesterday that made sense to me. "If we are going to do anything about the problems that beset us, we have to confront the problems honestly.  During an age of overwhelmedness, however, it is difficult to look at things honestly."

Sixteen years after sustaining my brain injury, I'm finally looking at things honestly.  I'm no longer pretending I remember someone's name when I don't, even after hearing it 125 times!  I'm no longer expecting to know my way when I'm going somewhere for the first time.  In fact,  I don't even expect to know my way after going there hundreds of times.  It doesn't mean I'm stupid.  It only means my brain was injured.  It's who I am now and I can't be someone I'm not, just to fit in.

I loved the way Mark referred to this past Sunday which was the  "Reign of Christ " Sunday.  He said, "Here, at the end of the church's year, we have a Sunday which we call the 'Reign of Christ.' Whether we can see it or NOT - we're supposed to celebrate "the Reign of Christ.'" 

"Yeah right", I wanted to shout. "Where in the world is Christ now?  People don't have any where to live and it's cold outside!  I'm tired of getting lost everywhere I go!  I want to work and earn my keep just like everyone else in this world!  And why are there so many people who have brain injuries who can barely get by on what little Social Security benefits they get?"  I look around and it doesn't seem like Christ reigns at all.

Mark pointed out that the book of Revelation is a story that arises out of a troubled church.  "You can almost see them there - a little band of Christians, surrounded in the pagan cities.  They seemed so small, so overwhelmed...Where on earth might one find HOPE for the future in such circumstances?" He reminded us that Revelation is known for its "sustained outburst of exuberant joy and praise.  The vision begins, not in despair - but in doxology, in praise, in cadences that scholars believe were derived in great part from some of the hymns of the early church."

He tells about the Wesley brothers and how they lived in the mid-18th century.  "The gin trade had led to huge problems with alcoholism....Child labor was the scourge of the land.  There was vast social dislocation and chaos.  Things seemed overwhelming."  Yet in spite of this, they wrote some of our most beloved hymns such as "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, and Love Divine, All Loves Excelling."

Mark suggests "if we really want to face our problems squarely, if we really want to stride into this new emerging world with confidence, the best thing we could do...is to sing.  Against all odds, when we join our voices together in some great hymn of praise, then you know - in the very depths of your being - that Jesus Christ reigns, that he shall rule until all things have been put under his feet, that the enemies of God will ultimately be defeated, that good will have the last word over evil, and tht all shall be well."

Singing and listening to music touches a place deep in my soul.  I really cannot explain it but every time I sing, play or listen to music,  I leave my body and spend time with God.  I've been listening to classical music every day for this purpose.  Today I listened to Bloch's Baal Shem Suite for violin and piano.  The first movement is Vidui (Contrition) which has a meditative quality.  When I hear it (and when I played it all those years ago) it felt like I was approaching God quietly, gently.

The second movement is Nigun (Improvisation) and that is where the music really soars.  Bloch expresses outgoing and uninhibited emotions here. When I listen, my spirit cries out to God "Why is there so much pain everywhere?  Where are You?  Don't you care?"  Finally comes the third movement, Simchas Torah (Rejoicing). It's as if God says to my spirit, "It's okay.  I know it's difficult some times but I am the center of all being.  Just hang on a little longer and rejoice in my creation!"    When I hear it (and when I played it) I felt God's joy and my own spirit sang.

John Wesley and the other great hymn writers felt it.  Ernest Bloch felt it.  When I listen, sing or play their music I feel it too.  Mark ends his sermon with these words: "Praise...is how we were created to live, even in the most unlikely times and places.  You cannot know that...unless you live just that way.  And then, you experience an overwhelming, utterly hopeful way to live....even to the end of the world.....Amen"        

Spatial Orientation

I'm finally getting used to having no sense of direction (spatial orientation).  Recently, I had to go to two different new places so I printed out directions on Map Quest as well as used my GPS.  Actually, I thought I could do it without the GPS so I only printed out the directions.  My double vision makes reading street signs difficult and by the time I could read the sign, it was too late to turn!  So I pulled over and put the address in my GPS.

Everything was going fine until the voice said "arriving at destination" and I didn't see the Grand Bohemian Hotel.  I pulled into a parking lot and asked directions.  It turns out, it was right across the street from me and I didn't recognize it. I pulled into the valet parking for which I didn't want to pay but I figured if I tried to find a place to park on the street, I would never find the hotel again. 

The other directions were to a friend's house.  He was moving and I wanted to see his new apartment.  I thought I wouldn't need the GPS and could find it only with my map quest directions.  When that didn't work, I pulled over and put in his address.  It took me to some house that I knew wasn't right so I got out of my car and called folks I knew who would be there.  No one answered. 

However, when I looked up, I saw another friend who had just left the new apartment.  He said I was almost there and pointed me in the right direction. When he pulled away, another man I knew came. This person is aware of my directional issues so he had me follow him there. So today when I went to visit another man I know who is in a heath care facility in Hendersonville (about 30 minutes from me in Asheville) I printed out the directions and used the GPS.  I had been there before but I really didn't want to get lost again so I decided to take no risks.

I really don't like driving places and will do everything I can to avoid it.  Attending to other cars, following the traffic directions and dealing with the weather (in this case, darkness due to impending rain) takes up a whole lot of my cognitive energy (cognitive overload).  I never listen to music when I'm driving because I need to focus only on the road and not be distracted.  However, this time I put in a CD of Bach's Brandenburg Concertos. 

I had been to the nursing home before and it was nice to cruise down the highway as I listened to the music.Of course, I made sure I knew how to turn the volume down in case I needed to concentrate on my driving. 

Stereo systems in cars now are so complicated.  I need a button with the word "off" on it so I know how to turn it off. Instead the buttons don't have words on them and you're supposed to know what they do by reading the directions once.  Well, my brain doesn't work that way and I really don't like to take the time to read the directions every time I want to use something in the car! One trick I use is to write the directions on a 3 X 5 card and keep that in the arm rest.  This is so much easier than trying to find something in the manual!

Overwhelmed again

I found this poster on Facebook and I fell in love with it. This is why I love Isaiah 43:18,19 so much. "Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

It seems I always go back to this verse whenever I'm going through change. When I stopped being an Associate Pastor, I thought about these words. Each time I began another volunteer position in Atlanta and in Asheville, this passage came to mind.

The quotation on the poster along with Isaiah's words touches me now. I'm really trying to do more things but it's hard because it doesn't take much for me to become overwhelmed. I spoke with my cognitive therapist on the phone yesterday and when I first began talking to her, I sounded almost manic. I was having difficulty slowing my thoughts down.

She reminded me of something she told me back in March of 2011. Anxiety and stress produces a chemical response in my body that actually can impair my cognition. She said back then that I could counteract this by practicing mindfulness. I shared with her how much listening to classical music seems to calm me down and help me get out of that chemical response. She suggested I do this every day and see how it works for me.

So I do have the power to say this is not how my life is going to end. I'm not going to spend it stressed out and overwhelmed. As I continue to be involved in more things now, I'm going to take time every day to listen to music. Today I listened to violin pieces y Ernest Bloch. Perhaps God is doing a new thing for me. Only time will tell.

Overstimulated? Stressed? Grrrrr

I wish I could keep this quote in my memory!   Especially now.  I'm stressed out, overwhelmed, or something.  I don't know what the right word is and I guess the truth is, it doesn't matter.

A few weeks ago, I decided to do more things knowing full well that doing more things means getting overwhelmed pretty easily.  I have got to stop worrying about what people think! 

An example of this is, I really love singing in the choir at Grace Covenant Presbyterian but it is hard to sit in front of the whole church the way we do.  I feel like everyone is looking at my every move!  The choir looks so good wearing robes and carrying black folders for holding the music. We have a processional in and then one as we leave winding back up the side aisles to sing with the congregation. 

I learned pretty quickly that I simply cannot handle the stimulation of standing in the narthex before the processional.  After the noise of being in the choir room as everyone puts on their robes and practicing, it was just too much.  So I don't process in but enter from the back.  It works really well for me because I can take a few minutes sitting in a room alone "resting my brain."

It's difficult for me to hold the black folder because of my arthritic hand.  It's much less painful for me to hold the anthem without the folder.  However, I can't help worrying what people will think to see this lone choir member holder her music without the folder.  I decided yesterday that I have to not care what people think and just do what I have to do to survive. 

Yes, this has been a huge issue for me as I try to be involved more.  I can do a whole lot but I have to do things differently.  I know people may wonder why I do something a certain way but it is causing me to use too many of the nerurons I have left in my brain to worry so much. I know what I have to do and if someone wants to ask me about it, they can.  I'm trying so hard not to spend time worrying what people think about me.  It takes too much energy and I don't have any to spare!

So I did today what I always do when I'm stressed out.  I swam laps at the Y.  At first, I had the whole pool to myself.  It's actually funny because I always worry about what the lifegaurd thinks of my sroke so I didn't want to swim in the lane closest to him. 

I made a joke about this and to my shock, he said "Well, I don't have anything else to do so I always look at people's strokes!"  I told him that if he had any comments about my stroke, to tell  me because I really wanted to improve.

He then asked, "Are you sure?  I've commented to people about their strokes and they have gotten mad at me so I've learned not to comment."  I assured him that I really appreciated his suggestions.  He gave me some wonderful tips on my kick and even showed me how to practice it.  It got me thinking about how much I really want some coaching on my stroke.  I checked at the front desk for some information on lessons.So this is my new project.  I do have a good stroke but I know it could be better.

So in addition to my singing voice, I'm going to work on my swimming.  I really like learning and I haven't been doing enough of it mainly because I learn differently now and I always worry about what people think!  It's funny but since I stopped taking the medications I took for migrain headaches, I can think clearer now and I have more evergy.  This allows me to learn new things and to enjoy what is before me. 

Now if I could only stop worrying what people think of me! 

Bad News

I learned some bad news today.  This year, I served on a team of folks who supported Bill whosr in his 50's  as he went from living homeless to having an apartment.  He is an amazing man and has been through so much.  Things were looking up for him when he began dealing with severe heath issues.  One of the first times he noticed them was when he volunteered at the community garden with me at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church.  He became dizzy and we had to stop working early.

This was the start of many, many doctor visits.  Things were complicated because at first he didn't have heath insurance.  In the midst of trying to make his food stamps stretch, attending various faith communities and learning how to use a computer, his health deteriorated.  No one knew what was wrong and he kept losing weight, having difficulty speaking and walking. He had to move into a nursing home in Hendersonville since he cannot take care of his own needs now. 

He found out this week that he has Progressive Supranucleanr Palsy (PSP) which is a rare brain disorder.  http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/psp/psp.htm.  It causes "serious and progressive problems with control of gait and balance, along with complex eye movement and thinking problems."  He really has been an inspiration to me because he dealt with all the hassles of our broken health care system while at the same time maintaining a good attitude. I couldn't help but be inspired by his strength and acceptance in spite of everything. 

Watching him deal with his struggles this year, helped put my own in perspective and for this I'm grateful.  Sometimes I get mad at God because I can't do everything I want to do.  I watch others do these things and it seems so unfair to me.  This seems so unfair to me.  I try and remember God never promised life would be fair.  However, God did promise us that we aren't alone in our struggles.  

In times like these, I try to remember Jesus words in Matthew 11. "Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." 

A yoke is a wooden bar with loops or bows at either end, fitted around the necks of a pair of oxen for harnessing them together.  To me this  this verse means I am harnessed to God and I don't have to carry things alone.  As my friend Bill lays on his bed in the nursing home, he's not alone either.     

Light of the World

This picture is a National Geographic image that was modified to contain all the seasons of the year.  I like it because it contains the moon AND the sun - two images that are important to my faith.  The moon reminds me that even in the darkness, God is there.  The sun reminds me of Jesus words in John 9:5 " As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world."  Even though he is no longer in the world, I believe the Spirit who Jesus left with us,  is the light of the world.

I needed both images this morning because it seems everything went wrong.  I had a Presbytery meeting today so I dropped my dog off at the doggie daycare place before heading to the meeting.  Due to my spatial orientation issues, I got confused leaving and ended up driving the wrong way on the highway.  It wasn't as simple as just driving the wrong way but I got on the wrong highway and then couldn't figure out how to get back to where I was supposed to go.  I didn't use my GPS because I had read an article in the New York Times about how these sorts of time savers are causing people to use less neurons in our brains so we're losing brain power.  I figured since I had been there before and since I had what I thought were good directions, I'd be okay.

When will I ever learn not to take risks when it involves directions to anywhere?  The article was about folks who do not have a brain injury and therefore it didn't apply to me.  Like it or not, my brain injury changes everything about how I function in the world so I got major lost.  When I finally figured out where I was after about 45 minutes, I was experiencing cognitive overload.  I decided to stop at a gas station, get some gas and calm myself down. 

I've learned to make choices based on their costs. The cost of going to the meeting was, I would be exhausted and have no energy tomorrow.  Since  tomorrow I have a dinner meeting where I need to have as many of my mental faculties as possible, I decided I would just go home and skip today's meeting. My over responsible self began thinking, "I'm a member of Presbytery and I didn't get an excused absence and it's close enough for me to attend so I should attend."   However, my good judgement kicked in and since I had no responsibility at the meeting and going would mean I wouldn't be cognitively present for my meeting tomorrow, I decided to return home.

Having a brain injury means I can't do it all or even do all that is expected of me. I think I do expect too much of myself though. It is hard but I suspect it is hard for anyone whether they have a brain injury or not.  In our society expectations run very high.  Having a brain injury is helping me see how our expectations are often too high for everyone.  God doesn't ask or expect this of any of us.

I'm glad I saw this picture of the moon and sun today for it reminds me not to be so hard on myself.  This is a tall order but it is one I hope with God's help, I'll fulfill.  

   

Dayenu - When is it enough?

The picture on the left is of a shelter that the children of Circle of Mercy congregation made a few weeks ago.  Missy Harris preached about Sukkot -the Festival of Booths/Shelters and the children constructed one. She said, "In the Jewish tradition, each year families construct makeshift shelters outside their homes... The shelters are to be built with materials that grow from the earth.  The roof provides enough space to view at least three stars in the night sky and with enough space to feel the shifts in the weather - cool air, rain, and wind.  This tradition recalls the paradox of our faith journey, a journey that holds both joy and sorrow."

In that service we sang the song "Dayenu" which roughly translated means, "it would have been enough for us." Some of the verses are, "Had God brought us out of Egypt, But not split the sea before us, Well then dayenu.  Had God given us commandments, But not led us into homeland, Well then dayenu."  Missy then poses the question, "How often do we really feel like it is enough? "That certainly wasn't the case at the beginning or even in the middle of the Exodus story.  God brought the people out of Egypt, out of slavery, protected them on their journey, and provided for their daily needs.  But when they got to a place where they could stop and take a breath, Dayenu, was not the refrain that they were singing."

Sixteen years after sustaining my brain injury, I often feel as it it isn't enough.  I learned how to walk, eat and speak again but that isn't enough.  I learned how to preach and write other things but that isn't enough.  I learned how to manage my new stress level and still, that isn't enough. I want to be just like I was prior to my brain injury. I'm like the Egyptians when they longed for the comfort and certainty they had known when they were enslaved in Egypt.

I don't mean to imply that my life before my TBI was like the harsh conditions of the Egyptians.  This isn't the case at all for I liked my life and my activities.  Yet, I can't help thinking how much easier it was then when I didn't have to deal with the effects of my TBI.    

Sometimes I feel a bit out-of-it because I cannot be as"busy" as those in the world around me seem to be without consequences.  However, I also realize that because my schedule isn't as tense as the rest of the world's, I can really experience God's beauty. I won't forget when I had time back in the spring to stop and watch a nest of little birds as they hatched and grew big enough to leave it.

I don't believe God calls any of us to be so busy that we have no time to experience the wonder of God's creation.  I don't believe God wants us to have no time to relate and care for each other.  I don't believe God values us more if we preach great sermons or lead important meetings. No, who and what we are, is enough. 

 I am enough.          


 

Memorial Service

Today I helped lead a memorial service for a charter member of Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church.  I really don't have a lot of experience leading them.  I assisted a bit when I served a church in Atlanta but as the newest Associate Pastor at the church, I never had an opportunity to lead one.

It was the same when I served as a volunteer chaplain at the retirement center in Atlanta.  I assisted in many but led only one.  I remember how difficult it was trying to lead a service for someone I didn't know well.  After that one, I decided I didn't want to lead any more and as a volunteer chaplain that was my prerogative although after leading that one, I doubt I would have been asked to lead another!

I haven't worn my ministerial robe much since living in Atlanta seven years ago and I wore it today.  It's sort of funny because while I thought the stole was a white one, I wasn't sure so I checked it out with the Associate Pastor prior to the service.  Here I've been ordained for twenty years and I had to ask such a basic question!

It's an example of one of the difficulties of having a brain injury and not being involved in the mainstream of life.  I know I'm not a "dumb" person but many of the things I do might be considered "dumb."  For example, I haven't led or been to a whole lot of traditional Presbyterian memorial services.  This afternoon I sat up in front where the worship leaders sit while the organist was playing the prelude.  The other two pastors came in with the family so they could be seated at the front.

It was a huge family so they filed in a long line up the aisle.  I think the "proper" thing to do is to stand while the family enters but I wasn't sure so I decided to stand if everyone else stood.  Half-way through their entrance I realized that folks were going to follow my lead and since I didn't stand, neither did they.  I figured it was sort of silly for me to stand half-way through their entrance so I stayed seated.

Afterward, my worrywart personality took over and I kicked myself for my mistake.  "How could I have been so ignorant" I thought.  I then remembered something my cognitive therapist told me.  It takes a lot of  neuron energy to agonize over something so unimportant and it will wear me out if I spend time doing this.  When I begin to do this, she suggested I just tell myself to stop.  So this is what I did.   And it worked.

Afterwards a family member commented on a story I had told about just sitting in silence with the person and how I think our society depends on words too much. With tears in her eyes she described her experience of doing just that. God did touch someone with my words so all my worrying was for naught.

It really was a moving service even if my worrywart personality got in the way.  I worried about what I planned to say.  I worried about how Mark would tie it all together when he lead the Homily.  I worried that I would get overstimulated.  All that worrying wore me out!  The funny thing is, God was there and it went fine.  Today was a gorgeous fall day so when I returned home, I sat outside with my dog Sparky.  This was the rest my brain needed. 

Hopefully, I'll stop worrying about things so much.  Since I'm trying to be involved in more  now, I have to stop this or it isn't going to work.  I'll end up having to sleep for days after activities like I did when I was in Atlanta if I don't stop wasting so much brain power.    

Church

I have a birthday tomorrow and birthdays always drive me to reflect on my life.  My reflections this year are about all the different churches in which I've been a part.  I grew up Methodist, directed a small church choir at a Disciples of Christ Church, and ended up joining a huge Presbyterian Church (Village Presbyterian) in Kansas City. (6000+ members) 

I joined this church because I had played violin there for numerous music programs and I liked the church's social justice stance on issues.  In fact this is where I became involved in the Peacemaking program and other Presbyterian social justice programs.  I look back on this now with wonder.  How did I ever survive in a church that big?  I even was what is called "under care" there when I studied to be a minister.  This means the church supports and encourages you as you go through the ordination process.

My first call was at a church in Atlanta in an upper middle class, white neighborhood.  I was only there for three years before my automobile accident.  Three years is not very long but I was searching for another call when I sustained my brain injury.  I knew my accident was serious because I had to learn how to eat, walk, use my hands, keep my balance and do cognitive things like read,  all over again.  However it wasn't even in my realm of possibility that I would never serve a church again.  I figured I just needed more time.

So I first dived into volunteering at the Open Door Community which is a residential Christian community sort of like a Catholic Worker House that served folks who are living homeless as well as those in prison.  That didn't work so I tried volunteering at a local Hospice.  That didn't work so I walked into the Chaplains office at a retirement community and asked if they could use a volunteer.  The lead Chaplain had time to give me a tour and said he could use me.  He is a very busy man and I don't know how I lucked out meeting him that day, but I did. Finally, something that worked! 

This is so often how it is with brain injury survivors.  It's a "trial and error"  (see post 8/19/11)  sort of thing for we often don't fit into our prescribed world anymore.  In fact, all people with disabilities don't fit into this world and it can be a very lonely place.  I am awed by the strenghth and perseverance of folks who have disabilities.  The world is not made for us so we have to carve out a place. 

So while volunteering there, I served on a couple of Presbytery committees as well as a couple of committees at the church I was attending (Oakhurst Presbyterian, a multi racial congregation). I was involved in several projects that came up and led worship, at times even preaching at various places.  Quite frequently my brain would just do what I call "shut down."  This meant I couldn't focus or do anything at all but rest.  So I often spent days laying on the sofa with no stimulation around me at all.  I always bounced back and returned to my schedule again.  Back and forth this went.  

It was starting to wear on me and I began to realize that I would never serve a church again as a minister.  About that time, my husband Michael took a job in Asheville, N.C. which meant moving.  For anyone who has sustained a brain injury a change in surroundings is very, very difficult.  We don't do well with unexpected or unknown environments. I decided the best thing for me to do was to stop all involvement in everything and just become familiar with Asheville

I'd heard about Circle of Mercy congregation when I was in Atlanta so I decided to become part of this progressive church even though it wasn't Presbyterian.  It meets on Sunday evenings so I could still attend a Presbyterian Church in the morning.  Since I purposely wasn't going to get involved at either place and planned to just attend church, going to two wasn't a burden.  Much of my energy went to figuring out my new city, new schedule and finding volunteer work.  Again, I tried volunteering at two different nursing homes and doing some volunteer clowning  but discovered this didn't work for me so I had to try something else.

After a while I did join a committee at Grace and became more involved there but it was limited.  I also became part of the Pastoral Care Team at Circle of Mercy.  Being involved in both churches peaked my interest in ideas surrounding ordination, sacraments, justice ministry and worship services since the two churches have differing views in all these areas.  It's pushing me to think about what I believe and not what a church tells me to believe.  However, both churches are very open and I don't feel pressure from either one to believe a certain way.  For this I am grateful.

Someone with a brain injury needs to do repetitive  and steady things.  I have tried this but I was bored to tears.  My neurologist sympathized with my feelings and supports my idea of trying to be involved in more ministerial type things.   When I use the word "ministerial" I mean using the parts of me that I used when I was a pastor - not trying to actualy be one.  However, I must set limits and this is very hard for me.  This idea isn't going to work and I'm going to be stressed out like I was in Atlanta if I don't set these limits.

I'm not a pastor of either church and I don't want to be. However, I can't help regretting this greatly.  I liked being a pastor! I must say, it is nice not having all the responsibilities and pressures of one. I don't have to worry about what I say etc. since I'm not getting paid by anyone.   I'm sort of a "freelance pastor" a little like when I was a freelance violinist/violist all those years ago!

When I look back, I see how far I've come.  I still worry about what people think about me but I'm getting to the point where I don't care.  I know what I'm doing and if someone wants to talk to me about this, they can.  If they don't, then it is their problem and not mine.  (This is much easier to write than to actualy believe!) 



    

A Journey

This is the picture that was printed in the bulletin at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church last Sunday (Sept 23, 12).  There is always a picture printed longside a quotation of some sort. This Sunday I didn't see any connection between the picture and the quote by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  It's funny, but sometimes I think they connect to the sermon and other times I do not.  It's okay though because worship is more than simply the sermon. I sing in the choir now and the anthems are the same way. 

The thing is, it doesn't really matter for worship should touch all the senses.  Even if the sermon doesn't connect with me, something in the service always does.

I could relate to this picture because I often feel as if I'm in a maze filled with mirrors along with this boy.  I try to do something and I come up against my brain injury challenges which makes me want to just close my eyes and block out all the commotion. Dealing with all these challenges can really drain me.  Occasionally, I do block them all.  I stay home, don't answer the phone or read my emails. But I always come back.

I also could relate to parts of the sermon by Mark Ramsey.  If you'd like to read it, here is the link: http://storage.cloversites.com/gracecovenantpresbyterianchurch1/documents/sr-23Sept12-alt.pdf  Mark points out that we often "have a propensity to always chase the 'shiny object,' thinking it will solve everything." He expands on this idea with a few examples. "The blueprints to personal riches.  The plan that will make us thin. The coaching that will make us popular The drug that will take away our anxiety."  He says that we cannot borrow our life from someone else. 

I know there's been times when I've wanted to borrow someone else's life.  Perhaps I could borrow some one's eyes since mine have double vision and I dislike having to wear my eye patch.  Perhaps I could borrow some one's church where I would preach every week giving nuggets of divine wisdom.  Perhaps I could borrow the professional orchestra that so and so plays with and make music that brings people (and myself) to heavenly places.

I appreciate Mark's comments about temptation.  "Temptation is the lure to chase the tiny object and so tire ourselves out chasing the shallow thing that we don't know who we are - and doubt descends on us: will we ever be able to hear God's true voice?  (bold added)

How many times have I asked myself this question?  Where are you, God?  Are you speaking to me or only to those around me?  That brain injury survivor over there is able to do so much more than me! That minister can serve out her ordination vows.  What about me?  Don't you care what I'm feeling?  Doubt descends.

In his sermon, Mark shared a thought by Anne Lamott.  "Faith is about the willingness or necessity of being wiped out of what you think holds you together, to face a benevolent annihilation without all the stuff that you think defines you....  Because you have to give up some false stuff to get to the true."

My brain injury has forced me to give up some false stuff.  The idea that since I wear a robe and stole on Sunday, I am closer to God than others.  The idea that since I have a seminary degree, I can study scripture and theology better than someone who doesn't.  The idea that my call to be a minister is "better" than others.

On that last idea, I think the Presbyterian Church (USA) unknowingly leads one to believe this.  When I went from being a member of the Presbytery of Greater Atlanta to a member of the Presbytery of Western North Carolina, I had to write a statement of faith and say a few words about my call in front of the Presbytery.  I believe this fosters the idea that the ordained call is "better" or at least a more important call than what other people receive.

I don't want to be who I'm not anymore.  I write this but I know this isn't easy at all.  To be oneself is a journey like no other.

Pain and Promise

On August 22, 2012 I wrote a blog post called "All or Nothing."  In it I mentioned Kathleen O'Connor's book Jeremiah: Pain and Promise. I had only read three chapters of it at the time but this morning I read chapter 9 "Encoding Catastrophe" about the sermons in Jeremiah.  Pictured at left is O'Connor's book along with a book by Gerhard von Rad, The Message of the Prophets.

As I wrote earlier, I never liked Jeremiah but O'Connor's book is giving me a new appreciation for it.  I consulted von Rad's book because I get sort of confused about all the historical things in Jeremiah.  I hope to study it more carefully later but for now this chapter really affected me.

O'Connor writes, "Because disasters shatter 'the sense of what life deeply means,' and because they destroy the symbolic universe that formerly held up the world, new ways of conceiving identity must emerge for a people to survive as a people." (p. 93, bold added) While it is true that sustaining a traumatic brain injury is not the same as the disaster Jeremiah writes about, there are similarities. 

O'Connor shares what trauma experts Robin Fivush and Beth Seelig wrote.  "When experienced events cannot be understood, the human mind returns again and again to the event to try to make sense of it in a repetitive and compulsive way."  This definitely happens when one sustains a brain injury.  We want to tell our story over and over again in order to make sense of it. O'Connor says that part of the narrative changes in the retelling, "But the more coherent and better organized explanations become, the more they aid survivors."

This is true in my case.  How many times have I told my story?  My husband Michael and I went out for frozen yogurt and when we were returning home he forgot what gear he was in on our standard transmisiion when he turned left.  As a result, we were hit by an oncoming car.  The police officer even gave him a ticket as I was being taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital and he was experiencing all the confusion one experiences after being in a serious accident.  (He spent a week in the hospital.  I was in an induced coma so I didn't know anything that was going on.)

I've gone over it in my mind millions of times.  How could Michael be so stupid as to not know what gear he was in?  Why did we get frozen yogurt just then?  and Etc. Etc. Etc. However, going over it again in my mind has "turned frightening chaos into a contained and predictable event."  (Tal, Worlds of Hurt) Like Jeremiah's sermons, my "sermons" (to myself and to others) have allowed me to accept this tragedy and move on.

This is why brain injury survivors must connect and tell their stories to one another. I've shared my anger at Michael for causing the accident and he has shared his regret.  In fact, he won't buy a standard transmission car now!  While I'm not thankful for the accident, I have learned much from it. In fact, both of us have grown. 

At some point, I plan to study Jeremiah.  O'Connor wrote in her preface, "Viewed from this perspective, Jeremiah is a work of resilience, a book of massive theological reinvention, and a kind of survival manual for a destroyed society."   Those of us who are brain injury surivors need a "survival manual."

Ordination Anniversary

I was surprised when I received a congratulations from the Columbia Seminary Alumna office recognizing my ordination on September 12 1993.  I knew it was in September but I didn't know what date. That was yesterday. Wow!

I've struggled with what being ordained means to me now.  I had only been serving a church for three years when I sustained my TBI.  Many others in my graduating class have served churches all this time now and being the pastor of a church is second nature to them. 

I guess when I look back at my life I see that I have not lived a "normal" life whatever that means.  I didn't get married and have children in my 20's and 30's like so many folks I know. I'm not established in a career nor do I have lots of nice stuff.  It sometimes does surprise me when I think about what I do have: A nice house, decent clothing and food, a car and a computer.  So many folks do not have these things and I am grateful for them.

I looked at the vows I took when I was ordained and I think I have kept them although in my situation it would be easy to let them go by the wayside especially the last one. "Will you be a faithful minister, proclaiming the good news in Word and Sacrament, teaching faith, and caring for people?  Will you be active in government and discipline, serving in the governing bodies of the church; and in your ministry will you try to show the love and justice of Jesus Christ?"

It is clear to me that many folks who have a TBI would not be able to fulfill these vows and that is okay.  However, in a limited way I can. I believe that folks who have sustained a traumatic brain injury have to try not to compare themselves to the rest of the world.  This is hard for me especially when I look just like everyone else. I remind myself every day that I can only do what I can and this is okay. 

Here is a picture of a rainbow which also gives me hope and strength.  It appears after a storm and I'm reminded that my spirit is intact even after the storms of life.




 

Beach

Michael and I went to Myrtle Beach for a few days this week.  I think this is the best time to go since hotels are cheaper and we can take Sparky.  Pictured at left is Michael and Sparky as they romped on the beach.

I've never really understood the need for vacations.  Oh I like going places but traveling is difficult for me.  I do better when things are consistent which is why I like staying home.  I know where things are and I don't do well with anything unexpected. In fact, new information causes cognitive overload which makes me tired. I seem to have to "rest my brain" a lot which annoys me.  Michael convinced me that it would be good for me to get away from things for a few days so we went to the beach.

He was right. There is something about water that is healing to my spirit.  I enjoyed walking Sparky on the beach and wading in the water.  He's not a water dog but he likes anything new and different so he had a good time as well. It was fun watching him take a big drink of the ocean and end up with a mouth full of salt water!

However, I did have something on my mind that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head and as a result I used my Android to communicate with folks back in Asheville. It drove Michael a little bit nuts and at one point he got a little peeved with me.  He brought me back to my senses and I was able to put things aside.

The experience did get me thinking though.  I often get something on my mind and I need to deal with it right then.  I have a hard time putting something aside for later. I think sometimes I get too focused on something and then I suffer from mental fatigue because I'm thinking about it too much!

I had a phone meeting with my cognitive therapist last week and one thing she helped me with was coming up with a list of things I can do that are vital to my well being.  Among her suggestions were the following: "Be clear about my strengths and what I can offer. When I get stressed and stuck, put it down and do something else. Find my creative spirit on a regular basis."

The beach put me in touch with my creative spirit.  Also when I helped drive home, we listened to the Dvorak Cello concerto as well as some pieces by Ernest Bloch.  Music is a sure fire way to tap into my creative energy as well as the Spirit and  I must say, I do feel better today than before we went to the beach!          

"Seeking Imagination"

This past Sunday at Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, Kristy Farber preached a sermon that really affected me.  Her title was Seeking Imagination and I remembered thinking to myself that morning, "What does Mark 8:27-38 have to do with imagination?"

On top of that, the following quote by Anne Lamott was printed in the bulletin by the picture above. "Can you imagine the hopelessness of trying to live a spiritual life when you're secretly looking up at the skies not for illumination or direction, but to gauge, miserably, the odds of rain?" This quotation really appealed to me since figuratively speaking, I'm always gauging the odds of rain in my life.

I've never been a lectionary preacher but I'm beginning to see how using a lectionary can be good for the life of the church.  I think sometimes there's a danger in making the text fit what the preacher wants to say to the congregation and I was a bit fearful that Kristy was going to this this.  However, the Spirit moved through her and spoke to my needs and I suspect to others as well.

In it she said, "If we are going to deny ourselves and try to be more like Jesus, we may need to exercise our imaginations.  To do so may be a part of denying ourselves. Attempting to see, not just what we have always seen, not just what we have been taught to see, but the things God may have for us."

My TBI really messed up my dreams.  I wanted to be a pastor who preached more regularly than what I had been doing at the church I served.  I wanted to be involved in urban ministry and do more pastoral care.  The plan was I would be the breadwinner and my husband Michael would get a PhD in Anthropology or Psychology.  Our accident certainly ended that dream - not right away though.  Awareness is a huge issue when someone has a brain injury.  People just aren't aware of how the brain injury has affected them.

For some folks, knowledge of one's abilities can take a long time as it has in my case. For those of us who don't have a lot of noticeable difficulties, it can be even harder.  I am able to do quite a bit now. However, when I push myself to do too much I'm usually no good for a day or so.I have to deal with the effects of cognitive overload, over stimulation, mental fatigue and others things.  As a result, I make choices.  Is what I want to do worth being out-of-commission for a few days or not? .  Many brain injury survivors do not have this choice which for me is a blessing and a curse.

I often must read again the poem Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley. She tells the experience of raising a child with a disability.  For the whole poem go here. http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html  In it she writes, 'The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting place full of pestilence, famine and disease....  It's just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts." 

The pain of having a TBI is never going to go away but I don't believe God allowed this to happen to me for a reason. Instead, God uses the things that happen to us so we may have new life.  God is as sad about this justy as I am but as Kristy said in her sermon, "As we seek to follow Christ, to deny ourselves, let us pray for the vision and insight to see this world through the eyes of Jesus, the one who brings life out of death and hope in unexpected places."

I ask for God to help me imagine something different than my shattered dreams.  It will take a while.  It has already taken a while.  As Kingsley said, "But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland." 

And there ARE some lovely things here!

Music

Michael and I purchased an electric piano last weekend.  It is pictured on the left with the anthem by Ralph Vaughan Williams that the choir at Grace Covenant Presbyterian (GCPC)  is going to sing on Sunday morning.  It's a wonderful piece and I can't wait to hear it.  New choir members must wait three weeks before singing in the choir on Sundays so I won't be able to sing with them yet.

I remember when the choir sung it in the past and I loved it.  I'm sort of glad I'm not singing since my voice is really rough.  My break to head voice tends to crack and I was concerned about this last night.  We had a sectional of the altos where we practiced the Vaughan Williams.  In order to feel better before we sang, I asked folks not to laugh when my voice cracked.  Everyone sort of rolled their eyes when I said this for everyone knows this is why we practice.

As we practiced I realized there are two paid section leaders in the section who have beautiful voices and they helped me with my technique so I could keep from cracking. Everyone else is just like me.  Some of us have had some training but most everyone is in the choir to serve and worship God.  They care about doing a good job but they do it for fun and service - not to show off their great voices!  My old performance anxiety is hitting me.  I really must stop worrying so much about how well I do!   

When I was a student at Columbia Seminary, I wrote a paper called "Should Bad Singers be Allowed in the Choir?"  I worked individually with the preaching/worship professor since I needed some worship credits but I didn't need to take the basic class.  I hope I can find it upstairs in the attic because I want to look at it again.  I remember the professor thought it was great.  I think I came down on the side of saying "yes" but I do believe the choir director at GCPC would disagree with me.  If I can find it I may give it to him and ask for his comments. 

I struggle with this issue because Grace puts a whole lot of money into the music program.  I love the music and the director is great.  One of the reasons I decided to sing in the choir is because of him.  He's a wonderful musician and his music for the choir is to serve God and not himself, yet, I'm still uncomfortable with having paid folks in a choir.  I know this is standard practice at large churches but I still don't feel too good about it especially since we're not a large church.  I believe everyone leading worship should be there to serve God and not for some performance need.  Yet, ministers are paid and the director is truly a music minister.  That is his title.  I'll need to think some more about this.  First, I must find that paper I wrote.  Well actually, first I must practice singing so I even out my break!